z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Chapter One - Aspen Faye

by ObsidianLight


Mom wasn't kidding, the is a lot bigger than it looked from the outside. If I could summarize the house in one word, that word would be 'impaired'. The outside paint peels, wood rots, and other little impurities on the house.

I look at my mom, who's beaming at the grand entrance. Yes, it's full of gleaming stones and marble, but it also has too many cracks to count and the floor creaks as I shift my weight. I can also hear my dad talking on the phone from the other side of the house.

Mom makes her way to the carpeted staircase, one of seemingly hundreds. I follow behind her, wearing a backpack and pulling two suitcases behind me.

"Once all of your stuff is put away, help your dad and me around the house. The moving van ended up in Colorado somehow, so it won't be here until Friday."

I groan. Happy Tuesday, I tell myself. And happy late sweet-sixteen, I guess.

I drag everything behind me while my mom goes hands-free. When we reach the top, a couple doors are already open. Mom pauses a moment, a look of confusion n her face, but then continues. I look into every open door. Already, I see two bathrooms, a master bedroom, and three closets. And, unsurprisingly, my room is at the end of the hall.

It's the only door that's not been opened, so Mom does the honors and stands aside for me to walk in. The up- and downstairs are both hardwood floors, but my room has a soft, deep shag carpeting, seeming to be growing like grass. My eyes follow the walls as different shades of blue blend in a beautiful tornado of color. Oak bookshelves line the walls, hanging liflessly.

I look uneasily at Mom, who's standing in the doorway. She looking around with a hopeful smile, then her gaze lands on me.

I sigh. "It's perfect." I'm not lying, it really is perfect. Mom grins, turning and walking out of my room, leaving me to unpack. I hear a couple doors close from the hallway, and assume it was Mom trying to make space for us to walk around in there.

I shrug off my backpack and toss it on the bed, dropping the extra suitcases by the wall. I sit on the bed, testing how bouncy it is. I look up at the ceiling light. It consists of a bright, white chandelier hanging in the middle of the ceiling. It ever so slightly sways, as if being blown by a draft, making my gaze wander to the window. It may look closed, but who knows how old it is.

I stand from the bed, striding to the window in annoyance. I open the blinds and wave my hand around, testing for a socket of air to coldly breeze in. I, of course, feel nothing. I shrug it off as a good thing, at least I won't have to duct-tape the window shut like we had to at my old home.

"Aspen!" My dad calls from somewhere downstairs.

"Coming!" I jog out of my room and down the hall, all of the doors are still open. I pause at the top of the stairs, I could've sworn I'd heard Mom shutting them all. Shaking my head, I decide that it was probably the stairs creaking under her weight.

I go down quickly, cringing from the sound each stair makes. I try navigating myself around to find where he is, finding him standing in a grand living room. Two couches, a love seat, and a one-person chair. A large rug takes up two-thirds of the room, the floor a beautifully grained wood.

A TV sits above the mantle of a brick fireplace. Dad's standing in the middle of the room, where I greet him.

"What?"

He looks up from his phone. "I was just wondering if you were the one going around opening doors."

I peak my head out the entrance of the living room to see part of the rest of the house, finding that the doors are indeed open. I turn back to Dad and say, "Um, no. That wasn't me."

"Hm, I would've thought you were exploring your new home. I guess it must've been your mother."

"I have at least two weeks to explore this house," I say, as I plop onto the couch, my left hand swinging freely off the side. My fingers brush something hard and I force my arm to stop, making my hand explore the side of the couch I cannot see. I find two buttons.

I experimentally press one, nothing happens. I press the other, making the space I'm sitting on begins to shift, my legs being picked up as a section of the couch slides out. I grin. Maybe this house won't be so bad.

Dad leaves the room, back on his phone. I can hear Mom scuttling around, adjusting things to be perfect. I note that the house is so echoey, trying not to let it ruin my mood.

I press the button that had done nothing before, which now brings the couch back the way it had been before. I hop off and hurry back to my room. Everything is as I left it, but something about the room gives me a sense of fear, or dread.

I shudder, beginning the unpacking stage of the day.

* * * * * *

We've lived here for a week and I'm starting to question things. Every door in the house is constantly open, except mine.

We've managed to finish unpacking, which surprisingly made the place a lot homier. Though, I only have one more week of freedom before I have to start school here. My parents already started working.

So I spend my free time wandering around, closing doors that have been opened in my way. Today, I'm standing in the front entrance, hands on my hips as I look around. I spot a dark spot near the staircase I hadn't yet explored or seen. I get on my hands and knees to see it at eye level and realize it looks like some sort of crawl space. It looks like something only a child could squeeze into, so I know I'm too big to fit.

I stand up and run up the stairs to my room, swerving away from open doors. I grab a flashlight and run back to the stairs. Getting close doesn't help with my vision, so I shine the light of my flashlight inside. Old papers litter the floor, some with terrible handwriting, some with a child's drawings. I lay flat on my stomach, crawling with my elbows to get closer in.

I manage to reach the closest paper and pull it toward me. I shine it with my flashlight, it's a picture of a stick figured little girl with brown hair. She's wearing a dress that's assumingly purple, standing next to a much taller figure. There's a taller figure with identical brown hair, I can easily make out that this is probably a father or maybe big brother. There's a third tall figure, even taller than the second one. I can't tell what it is because it's been scribbled out with a black crayon.

I turn the paper over, I can just barely make out, 'Mommy, Daddy and me!' I realize that the third figure was probably the mother. In the bottom right corner, a name is scrawled out, 'Sophia Faye'.

I tilt my head, what happened to the mother? Did she die? Did she leave? But this girl, Sophia Faye, she must've lived here once. Maybe her parents built the home, considering this is the Faye Manor.

Thunderous footsteps cause me to panic and try sitting up. This causes me to bump my head and I lightly curse, crawling backward to get out. I look around, the footsteps stopped.

"Mom? Dad?" I check to time on a nearby clock; it's nowhere near time for them to come home. I stand and brush off my pants, it sounded like someone was going up the stairs in a hurry. But the stairs are carpeted.

I shake my head, going to the stairs and slowly going up.

"Hello?" I receive no answer. I roll my eyes and realize I was just hearing things.

My phone beeps just as I'm laying back down in front of the crawl space. I find a daily text from my mom;

Don't forget to do your chores! Be home in a couple hours ;)

I assure her that I've already done them and go to my room to put away my flashlight and get started on my chores.


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Thu Mar 16, 2017 11:37 pm
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...



Greetings again! So criticism wise, I really don't think there's much I can say that hasn't already been said by other people in their reviews, but hey maybe I can.

'I drag everything behind me, my mom going hands-free." I guess this is an okay sentence, but it just seems better to say something like "I drag everything behind me while my mom goes hands-free." Just a suggestion, though, so don't think I'm commanding you or anything like that.

'Already, I see two bathrooms, a master bedroom, and three closets.' Is the correct way to say this.

'My room is at the end of the hall (no surprise there).' I also guess this is an okay sentence, but maybe it would be better to say 'Unsurprisingly, room is at the end of the hall.' It uses less words and conveys the character's annoyance and lack of surprise right away.

'I sigh."It's perfect." Is the correct way to say that.

"Aspen!" I hear my dad calling from somewhere downstairs.' the words "I hear" are unnecessary because the reader already knows that she can hear her father calling for her. I would suggest saying "Aspen!" My dad calls from somewhere downstairs.'

"I hear a couple of doors close from the hallway, and assume it's Mom trying to make space for us to walk around in there." Is the correct way to say that.

He looks up from his phone."I was just wondering if you were the one going around opening doors." Is the correct way to say this.

"I peak my head out the entrance of the living room to see part of the rest of the house, finding that the doors are indeed open. I turn back to Dad."Um, no. That wasn't me." Is the correct way to say that. Or maybe you could try 'I turn back to Dad and say,"Um, no. That wasn't me."

"I have at least two weeks to explore this house." I plop onto the couch, my left hand swinging freely off the side.' Is the correct way to say that. Or maybe you could try "I have at least two weeks to explore this house," I say as I plop onto the couch, my left hand swinging freely off the side.'

"I experimentally press one, nothing happens." The word 'experimentally' seems extra here and I would suggest replacing the comma between "one" and "Nothing" with a period.

"I grin. Maybe this house won't be so bad." Is the correct way to say this.

"We've managed to finish unpacking, which surprisingly made the place a lot homier." Is the correct way to say this.

"I'm much too big, it looks like something only a child could squeeze into." Instead of this, maybe you could try "It looks like something only a child could squeeze into, so I know I'm too big to fit."

"I lay flat on my stomach, army crawling to get closer in." The word "army" doesn't seem to make sense here.

"I check to time on a nearby clock; it's nowhere near time for them to come home." Would be a better way to say this in my opinion.

Criticism aside, I enjoyed this chapter. I liked the buildup and suspense you've created with Aspen and her opinions on the house. Keep writing :)






Thank you for the review! I'm currently working up the points to update!



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Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:46 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey ObsidianLight,
MJ here for a quick review! Don't feel obligated to include any of these in your story, these are simply my suggestions. With that said, some things I noticed:
1) "If I could summarize the house in one word, that word would be 'impaired'." What do you mean by 'impaired'? The definition of impaired is 'having a disability of a specific kind'. What is that disability?
2) "Yes, it's full of gleaming stones and marble, but it also has too many cracks to count, the floor creaks as I shift my weight, and I can hear my dad talking on the phone from the other side of the house." Whoa, this sentence is way too long. Break it up into two sentences, maybe adding a period instead of a comma after 'weight'
3) "pulling on two suitcases." I would reword this slightly by saying 'pulling two suitcases behind me'
4) "Once all of your stuff is put away help your dad and me around the house." Comma after away
5) "I groan, happy Tuesday, I tell myself." I would add a period instead of a comma after groan.
6) "Mom pauses a moment but continues, I look into every open door" Either change the comma to a period or add and after continues
7) "She looking around with a hopeful smile" Looking should be changed to looks
8) " I hear a couple doors close from the hallway, assuming it was Mom trying to make space for us to walk around in there." Since you've been going in the present tense so far, I would change assumning to 'And I assume'
9) The entire story feels really dragged out. I would add some more action but I do like how it has a great and suspenseful buildup to the dramatic action that will be soon to come. I hope you continue this series, and you can count on me to be there with a review :)






Thank you for the review!



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Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:42 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello, and a belated welcome to YWS! :D Snazzy here for a review!

The house is a lot bigger than it looks from the outside, Mom wasn't kidding.


This sentence seems a little out of place, and therefore, hard to read and understand. I would reword it to say something like "Mom wasn't kidding, the house was a lot bigger than it looked from the outside."

Mom pauses a moment but continues, I look into every open door.


This sentence confused me for a couple of reasons. First, you joined two independent clauses with a comma, resulting in the comma splice (there are a couple of others in the chapter as well). If you wanted to keep the sentence as is, I would just divide it into two. Second, I don't understand the meaning of the Mom's actions. Was she hesitant because it was a new place, or maybe she really didn't feel it was as gorgeous as she said it was before? It's kind of like me saying "I stopped eating, but then continued" without giving any context to why I stopped in the first place. I'd just consider revising to explain her actions.

It's the only door that's not been opened, so Mom opens it


To work on writing more concisely, try and eliminate repeating words in the same sentence (even if it's a different tense).

The up- and downstairs are both hardwood floors, but my room has a deep shag carpeting. The carpet is a dark gray, the walls navy blue with more gray trimming. There are shelves hanging from the wall all over, including one above the bed.


Show us what the room was like, don't tell us! As Markus Zusak said in The Book Thief, "if your eyes could speak, what would they say?" This is also a fantastic place to further develop the main character's personality and overall attitude toward the new house!

I notice, especially in the middle, that you use a lot of "I" sentences ("I run," "I walk over to my bed" "I sit on my couch", etc.). I would do my best to eliminate some of those, either by combining the shorter ones, or adding in description.

Oooh, I really like the name "Aspen"! It's really eye-catching and rolls off the tongue beautifully!

maybe this house won't be so bad.

Dad leaves the room, back on his phone. I can hear Mom scuttling around, adjusting things to be perfect. I instantly hate that the house is so echoey.


This seems a bit odd for the character (to instantly love it and then instantly hate it the next sentence over). Just something I found.

I shutter


Easy fix, this should be "shudder" rather than "shutter".

One big thing overall that I picked out, was that you always use the present tense form of your verbs (like "I now go over to pick it up", or "I stand in the hallway, hands on my hips"). Normally, the tense used would be present perfect, I think... Or some type of past tense (that I don't know the name of...). For example, instead of "Today, I'm standing in the front entrance, hands on my hips as I look around", I might write "I stood in the front entrance, hands on my hips as I looked around". I find that the latter is easier and less awkward to read. Just something to keep in mind as you continue progressing the story.

She's wearing a (purple?) dress,


This is also something that's kind of awkward to read. I would eliminate the (purple?) and change it to something like "She's wearing what appears to be a purple dress,". (Also, another great place to add in some description! ;) )

Overall, you added some nice suspense. However, I think you gave a little too much away. From the title and the scene with the drawing, I'm already guessing that Aspen is one of the three people on the drawing. (It reminds me of Michael Buckley's The Sisters Grimm series, and specifically, The Problem Child.) Maybe it's too cliche, or maybe you can just give the audience a little less information to make it more suspenseful.

As a last note, this is overall a good story line. I would suggest adding more life to the words through description, imagery, figurative language, etc. Just like Markus Zusak wrote in The Book Thief, "make the words yours".

~Snazzy






I'm still young but I'm nowhere new to writing. But yes, I do have things I need to learn. So... maybe some advice on how I could 'show you the room' rather than tell you?



Snazzy says...


Of course! I've been writing since 6th grade and I am still learning things and have a LOT of improvement to make!

You used colors, yes, but generic ones like "dark grey" and "navy blue". Some ways to fix this:
1. Use unique modifiers for the colors, like emerald green or dandelion yellow. (Although I like emerald green, even it is becoming a bit overused.)
2. Show us something other than color. Lots of things are yellow, and lots of things are dandelion yellow. But not everything shimmers, and likewise, not everything is dull.
3. Add figurative language. This one is my favorite! Personification is a good way to go when dealing with inanimate objects. For example, "the dry blue paint clung to the walls, lifeless" (this one is kind of ironic).

Hope this helps!





Thank you! I hope my description a at least a little better now.




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