Published March 7, 2008
I was the suicidal emo that goes through more drama than Britney Spears
"O I'm not crazy" if i said that then I'd be lying like a closet queer.
The guy that's to shy and wants to lack fear
free the mind like matrix and jump the buildings over here
The buildings that represent the hurdles of life
so i jump the hurdles like a track star training in daylight
Careful people the mice are here
Throwing cheesy insults, but i can't feel those like hyrdraclear
Contacts don't let my fist contact
Your mom's back and drama I don't want that
So let's skip the combat before you are mortally wounded
Riding me like rodeo so they're on the ball like pool sticks
I was the dude that fell for his best friend's best friend
and she won't go because she only sees me as a friend
But she don't want to insult me
so she let me down easy, like video game difficulties
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Canary word: Present
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141,444 Literary Works • 674,456 Reviews
There.
Woah, you really gotta reformat this. Break up the lines so we can see the rhythm in it. Otherwise, it's just a jumbled mess.
First off, welcome to the site!
Second off, scrap your semi-colons and just press the ENTER key instead.. This gives the reader a better sense of the flow.
Third off, I agree with Alainna. These thoughts are just all over the place. See if you can expand one of these ideas into an entire song, with verses, chorus, etc. For example:
This sounds like an interesting situation. If you examine it in detail, you probably could make an entire song about it. Or you could take a different part and focus on that.
Overall, I think you could do much better if you focused your thoughts a bit more instead of focusing on rhyme. Keep writing!
Hi Jomel, and welcome to the Young Writers Society! I liked the rap, but I have to agree with Alainna. It was a little all over the place, but it still made since. Great Job and keep up the good work. Can't wait to read more. See you at lunch!!!!!!!
I liked it but i was alittle everywhere. But thats why I like it!
At the moment this is a bit of a free - for - all. Without any structure this piece looks like a paragraph of navel - gazing.
- Try to put this into suitable stanzas, with a chorus etc if you want it in lyric format.
- Give it a rhythm.
If you need any help with doing so visit one of the forums on YWS that offer help with poetry structure.
All the best,
Alainna
xx