Young Writers Society

I liked it. Keep up the good work. Post more please.

OblivionShadow wrote:forgot to mention its free verse. i'm not particularly into following a fixed rhythm. i just put my thoughts on paper in the best way possible. but i will definitely take the annhilate and the other critisms to heart. thanks people.

It flows with the blood consisting of water, nutrients and pain.

How did you creep up like a ninja and cause my arteries to have muscle spasms?

Led on a track only to not cross the line of finish, put in the challenger only to explode before reching the infinity of space.

"Free verse" and no rhythm are not the same thing. Even though free verse poetry doesn't rhyme, there still needs to be some consistency and flow. The line lengths don't have to be exactly the same, but you shouldn't have a bunch of short lines and then a long rambling line. Also, I nearly always suggest stanzas because they organize your piece so the reader knows what thought goes with what. Right now, this is just a huge block of text, which isn't fun to read.

As for the content itself, I basically agree with the much more eloquent backgroundbob. You do have a couple interesting lines, like the thing about the ninja and the muscle spasms, but a lot of this has been done before. Try reading poems on here and elsewhere. Eventually, you'll get a feel for what's interesting and what's overused. Trust me, I was a much less critical reviewer when I first joined than I am now. Also, you should keep writing. Even if it's a stupid journal entry, at least you're staying in practice. Keep working at it, and you could improve immensely.

Keep writing!

This is a good poem. I like the references to the human body and the imagry. There is are dark and sad connotations comming from this poem. I like how you mentioned that she didn't love you she lusted for you. Overall, good job

forgot to mention its free verse. i'm not particularly into following a fixed rhythm. i just put my thoughts on paper in the best way possible. but i will definitely take the annhilate and the other critisms to heart. thanks people.

Uh, woah. This is kinda cool, and I think you're going somewhere, but you're trying too hard. These words you're using, they just don't flow.

(Quote)
How did you creep up like a ninja and cause my arteries to have muscle spasms?
This is excruciating, yet not enough for me to be annihilated.
(End Quote)
I like the ninja remark, but if you're going to put in something like that, you need to be better about how you use it. How did he creep like a ninja?
Example: How did you sneak up on me, swift with the grace of a ninja.

Or something like that.

And what's with the word Annihilate? That kinda made me stop and stare for a moment, completely blocking the word flow. Loss of Rythem is something a poet needs least.

I guess what I mean is that you need to make it a bit simpler, clearer. Of course, I loved it, but I'm trying to give you constructive crytism.

Right-o!

Let's start with the basics, your technique. First of all is your form and structure, which need a bit of work. Basically what you have here is a short piece of prose, but you've stuck linebreaks at the end of every sentence and stuck in the 'poetry' section. That's not really how poetry works, unfortunately: part of what differentiates it from prose is the poet's ability to use more precise structures to convey meaning. Having arbitrary line lengths loses that - you need to read up on poetic structure before you have a swing at it, really. Because of this, a regular meter and rhythm also don't exist in your poem, which is one more poetic tool discarded.

Next, your language and content. Here you have another problem, one that I see a lot: your poem looks worryingly like a vast majority of internet poetry I've ever read. That means that while there are great internet poets out there, for every one I find there are four or five who use the same images, the same style, the same subjects. I couldn't even begin to estimate the number of poems I've seen with exactly these same ideas of heartbreak and loss, with exactly these same images of bleeding, of tumbleweeds, of walking through old empty houses... etc. It can come as a shock to discover, but most people have a lot of the same emotions as you, and a big chunk of them try writing about it before they realise their mistake - if you want to give us the same stuff we've been reading for years, fine, but it doesn't add anything to poetry as an art and it doesn't really pique any interest in those of us well-read enough to know better.
If you want to write something truly interesting, however, you're going to have to take a big step back and figure out some of the things in the world that people don't understand and rarely are given insight into. Make connections between seemingly unconnected things; compare the imcomparable; use the mundane to touch the indescibable - this is your job as a poet, excruciatingly difficult and frustrating as it is.

I hope we see more of you around the place - give me a shout if you ever need anything.