As you lay on your bed, I gripped your hand tight
What was killing you had won the fight
The light from your eyes was fading fast
I knew your strength would never last
As your spirit begins to float into the clouds
All I want to do is scream and shout
Chorus
Please don't leave
Me here on my own
I just don't want to believe
That you'll be forever gone
I cried at your funeral, of course I did
Knowing you're dead is too hard to admit
All I want to do is hurt and blame myself
I just need you back and nothing else
So when your spirit floated into the clouds
All I wanted to do was just scream and shout
Chorus x2
All I want is to see your face again
Hold you close in my arms again
And I would cry on your shoulder
I would be ever so glad to have you back, mother
Chorus x3
As we lay you to rest, I closed my eyes tight
And imagined you walking into the light
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140,367 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Hey hey! BornLoser is here to give you a review!
Before I start going into detail about this piece, I would just like to say that... Wow. This really touched my heart. What you've written is a beautiful heartfelt piece laced with emotion. I also find it rather haunting.
Anyway, time for the review!
Your use of imagery (is that the right word?) in this is amazing. I can vividly imagine everything that you describe in your short verses, even though you only use a few words. I can imagine you clutching on to your mother as she lies in her hospital bed, death taking her away from you within the space of a few minutes.
You've structured this really well too. Each verse links into the chorus through the lines you use after each verse, making everything link together smoothly. Your bridge part (I think that's the name for it) is a well written link between your repeated choruses, and I congratulate you on that.
The amount of emotion in this piece is... astounding. It feels like you're screaming during the bridge, crying out for your mother to come back from her dreadful fate. Your chorus is just you grieving, not being able to let go of what you've lost. And the verses, including the last line... You pulled at my heart strings there. Ouch.
The rhyming scheme you use seems to fit nicely, so that's great. I find it amazing that you were able to portray what you were trying to say whilst sticking to the rhyming structure that you set for yourself. Well done!
This is such an amazing piece! I feel like it should get way more credit!
Anyways, keep writing!
Huggles from BornLoser ',:D
Hello OMG all be reviewing your lyrics for you so lets get starting shall we :3 well to start. The way you laced your words with your thoughts and emotion was brilliant it felt I was there with you when you were saying don't leave me. It is a very endearing tribute to your mother and you can clearly see that you loved her very much. As I go through this lyrics the 5 stages of grief is very clearly written which helps the reader feel the sorrow you were in. I know I keep going back to the emotion but that is what you clearly dominated in and it's very apparent. Very good job in these lyrics. I hope to read more from you. Keep writing and I hope you get to a place where you are as happy as one can get with losing a family member
~keep writing :3
Timmy here for a review!!
So I will first point out my nitpicks, and then move on to favorite spots and your style so that we are still friends at the end of my review!
Nitpicks
That sums up my nitpicks!
Favorite parts and Style
Ok, so this whole song was amazing, so amazing. It was so emotional, and like Deadman said, would invoke tears to the singer! I am truly impressed by the way you made this song. It was so beautifully done, so full of emotion, and yet still simply written.
Ok, so that is all I have to say on this. It was a very sad song, and I am so sorry if this is something you experienced. It would be a very sad day if I lost my mom.
~Timmyjake
Yeah, um, the crying at the funeral part isn't actually part of the chorus... it's actually in the second verse. The school computers keep mucking it up, so I don't blame you if it looked like part of the chorus! I'll try and fix it, and thanks for the review!
Deadman here with a review for you. A very very sad song indeed. I can tell it's really personal, and I can see it's very emotional as well. I could feel the sadness pulling at me as I read/sang this in my head. It is a beautiful song.
Pros-
1. Beautifully written.
2. Full of emotion, I could see a singer breaking down and crying and not finishing the song.
3. Great chorus, I mean really the chorus is catchy and that's something to look for in a song.
Cons-
1. The only con is that you had to experience this to write this. However, the best songs in the world come straight from the heart.
Things I liked about it-
"As we lay you to rest, I closed my eyes tight
And imagined you walking into the light"
Those two lines struck me with so much emotion! I loved them!
Great song! Absolutely great, I think you have potential as a song writer. I hope everything is okay now though. I hope to see you around here again, and until next time , happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
very sad song that made me want to go and hug my mom.
anyway it's very nice, your a good writer and know how to express your feelings in a beautifull way.
i liked the part
"As we lay you to rest, I closed my eyes tight
And imagined you walking into the light"
and
"So when your spirit floated into the clouds
All I wanted to do was just scream and shout"
and btw i'm sorry for your mom, hope she'll rest in peace
keep the good work