Young Writers Society

Hey hey! BornLoser is here to give you a review!

Before I start going into detail about this piece, I would just like to say that... Wow. This really touched my heart. What you've written is a beautiful heartfelt piece laced with emotion. I also find it rather haunting.

Anyway, time for the review!

Your use of imagery (is that the right word?) in this is amazing. I can vividly imagine everything that you describe in your short verses, even though you only use a few words. I can imagine you clutching on to your mother as she lies in her hospital bed, death taking her away from you within the space of a few minutes.

You've structured this really well too. Each verse links into the chorus through the lines you use after each verse, making everything link together smoothly. Your bridge part (I think that's the name for it) is a well written link between your repeated choruses, and I congratulate you on that.

The amount of emotion in this piece is... astounding. It feels like you're screaming during the bridge, crying out for your mother to come back from her dreadful fate. Your chorus is just you grieving, not being able to let go of what you've lost. And the verses, including the last line... You pulled at my heart strings there. Ouch.

The rhyming scheme you use seems to fit nicely, so that's great. I find it amazing that you were able to portray what you were trying to say whilst sticking to the rhyming structure that you set for yourself. Well done!

This is such an amazing piece! I feel like it should get way more credit!

Anyways, keep writing!

Huggles from BornLoser ',:D

Hello OMG all be reviewing your lyrics for you so lets get starting shall we :3 well to start. The way you laced your words with your thoughts and emotion was brilliant it felt I was there with you when you were saying don't leave me. It is a very endearing tribute to your mother and you can clearly see that you loved her very much. As I go through this lyrics the 5 stages of grief is very clearly written which helps the reader feel the sorrow you were in. I know I keep going back to the emotion but that is what you clearly dominated in and it's very apparent. Very good job in these lyrics. I hope to read more from you. Keep writing and I hope you get to a place where you are as happy as one can get with losing a family member

~keep writing :3

Timmy here for a review!!

So I will first point out my nitpicks, and then move on to favorite spots and your style so that we are still friends at the end of my review!

Nitpicks

Cancer was sure putting up a fight ----I would imagine your mother being the one putting up a fight. The way you word it makes it seem like it is the cancer defending, not attacking

I cried at your funeral, of course I did ---This line is out of place in your chorus. The reason for that is you talk about what you are screaming to the world as her spirit goes into the clouds and then in the same breath talk about her funeral, like it is in the past, all the while the rest of it is happening around you... I hope that makes sense.

All I want is to see your face again

Hold you close in my arms again ---The two again makes it sound a bit repetitive

As we lay you to rest, I closed my eyes tight

And imagined you walking into the light ---My favorite part! Its so imagery full and beautifully written!

Deadman here with a review for you. A very very sad song indeed. I can tell it's really personal, and I can see it's very emotional as well. I could feel the sadness pulling at me as I read/sang this in my head. It is a beautiful song.


Pros-
1. Beautifully written.
2. Full of emotion, I could see a singer breaking down and crying and not finishing the song.
3. Great chorus, I mean really the chorus is catchy and that's something to look for in a song.

Cons-
1. The only con is that you had to experience this to write this. However, the best songs in the world come straight from the heart.

Things I liked about it-

"As we lay you to rest, I closed my eyes tight

And imagined you walking into the light"

Those two lines struck me with so much emotion! I loved them!

Great song! Absolutely great, I think you have potential as a song writer. I hope everything is okay now though. I hope to see you around here again, and until next time , happy writing!


Cheers,




Deadman XD

very sad song that made me want to go and hug my mom.
anyway it's very nice, your a good writer and know how to express your feelings in a beautifull way.
i liked the part
"As we lay you to rest, I closed my eyes tight

And imagined you walking into the light"
and
"So when your spirit floated into the clouds

All I wanted to do was just scream and shout"
and btw i'm sorry for your mom, hope she'll rest in peace
keep the good work