Published March 8, 2011
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141,357 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
kinda short but full of emotions....
Well done
Looking forward to next work
Hey there,
Thank you so much for all of your comments! They have been noted and i will change them as soon as i have more than a few moments
Thanks again
Hello there!
I liked this - it's very captivating, and I would definitly like to read more.
Just a few things:
For me, this beginning is a bit cliche and oversed, maybe start with something more original? Your choice, though.
Remember to spell out numbers.
I really like this bit, it portrays the thoughts of a seven year old very well. :]
Maybe you could precise exactly where they're going? It's all a bit vague at the moment.
I gather that Daddy is asleep, but I don't really get how he'd just fall asleep like that. Maybe the explanation will come later on, but for now I'm confused :/
Good ending! Makes me want to read more straight away. I really liked the whole car crash scene, you described it well.
Overall:
I like how you've made the seven year old really sound seven, but it would be good if you could precise whether the MC is a girl or a boy, because it's not clear at the moment. It would also be good if you told us where they're going. And, one last thing, I think the beginning could be made stronger - you portrayed good emotion throughout the whole thing, but the beginning is quite blunt.
Apart from that, a good start! I hope you continue with this!
Hope I helped!
~Lilicia
its a good start......im dying to read furthur....good luck!!
Oh my goodness, this is very captivating. Very emotional, and sad... yet it leaves a couple questions. Like, where were they going? Is the child a little boy, or a little girl? (I'm probably the only one who would wonder that, but still I'm curious.) Please, if you do not mind, let me know when you are finished. I'd love to see how it ends.