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Young Writers Society



Cataclysm: Chapter 1; Baylee

by NympheaLily


My life is a frickin nightmare. I bet you’re thinking, Oh well I guess it can’t be too bad right? Well you’re way wrong. You may have grown up comforted and told by your mommy and daddy that monsters are just pretend. All those monsters that terrorized you as a kid, those don’t even come close to what I face on a regular basis. I may sound like I’m pitying myself, but all of this is true. I only have a limited amount of time with this microphone, so listen up punks. This is my story. My name is Baylee Patience and I am a sixteen year old girl living in Satan’s mansion.

I crouched low to the ground as I came up on a zombie feasting on some garbage next to a collapsed and rotted building. I smiled cruelly and cocked my sniper rifle. I took aim at the zombie’s heads and fired. It went down. I stood and walked over to check out the bodies. On some zombies, especially pack zombies like this one, they carry supplies that we need, such as cloth for bandages. And if you get lucky and come across a zombified redneck, some bullets. Pack zombies are very strong in their hordes, but on their own, they are as helpless as ants. I found some cloth that was relatively clean. Good.

I stood up again and walked away from the zombie corpse. All zombies were irrelevant and stupid. I made my way through allies and dilapidated buildings. It was four years since the Great Collapse and I knew that humanity was falling. All out war spread across the nation and my world became a kill or be killed one. I chose kill. I sighed and climbed up a ruined fire escape to the roof of a building. Once I was at the top, I could see the entirety of New York city. What was a busy, lit up world of money and luxuries was now a jungle of vines, concrete, and certain death. No one could deny that it was a great view from where I stood. The rising sun turned the ruin that was New York to golden tipped stones. I shook my head and mentally slapped myself. Stupid Baylee. When has your life ever been beautiful?

Before I get into anything else about my screwed up life, lemme explain some things. First of all, Epsilon group members are crap buckets. What is an Epsilon? Well, let’s say that they are another group in this stupid world that we live in. When America collapsed into ruin, humanity split into four separate groups; LeQokett, Epsilon, Society, and Swallow. Each has a different way to survive; LeQokett is survival of the fittest, Epsilon is partner work, Society is more power is more priority, and Swallow is the old American government. Now since we got that all sorted, let’s get back to what’s happening now.

I blinked, then my head swung around. I had caught sight of a pair of Epsilon members messing around the border. My jaw clenched and I started to run towards them.I jumped off the building, slid down a pipe, and landed in a dumpster. I hopped out of the mix of rotten food and decaying zombie carcasses and stepped into the line of sight.

“Get the heck away from there, “ I snarled at them. The Epsilon couple looked up and grinned at me.

“Well, look what we have here,” sneered one, “Do we have some LeQokett trash?” I growled, but the other one snickered and replied.

“Where? I only see a rotten banana peel in the shape of some LeQokett screwers.” I reached back to grab my sniper rifle then remembered. Shoot. I ran outta bullets. I reached for my hunting knife instead and got in a defensive stance.

“Aww, poor baby,” said the first one, “Need your mama?” At that moment, I snapped. I flew at them, knife in hand. The first one was caught off guard and I got a few slashes on his arms, but then the second dragged me off him. A fist came flying at my face and socked me right in the nose. Blood spurted, but I wasn’t going to let them win. The guy who’d pulled me off his partner was standing over me, legs on either side. My leg flew up and kicked right in that tender spot. He howled and buckled. I rolled, only to get stopped by the first guy who recovered. He punched and kicked me. I could feel some bones breaking and blood was everywhere. He raised his hand again but as he brought it down, I grabbed his wrist and wrenched it to the side. I got up again, pain flaring throughout my abdomen. My knife had skittered to a dark corner and it would be too risky to get it.

“Dirty-mother-” gasped the guy who’d I’d punched in the face with his own hand.

“Back at you,” I sneered. The second guy had recovered from his very unfortunate accident and came running at me, but I roundhouse kicked at his face. He fell back, but got up faster than I expected. He tackled me to the ground and we rolled back and forth, throwing punches. The first guy joined in and together, they started to beat the ever loving daylights out of me. I was on the brink of passing out when I heard a shout. Through my hazy gaze I could see another figure fighting both guys with ease. Kicking, punching, wrenching, the figure drove off both guys with a final bow to the face each.

“Baylee!” I heard my name and I tried to sit up.

“Beckett?” I asked weakly. The figure, now my older brother Beckett leaned over me, the shadows of panic flicking across his face.

“Baylee! Oh my god, what-?” Beckett’s voice was cut off when someone said something in the background. I tried to look around, but the energy to do that cost me. I collapsed back and my world fell to darkness.

~~~~~~~

Later, I woke up in a dirty linen sheet, surrounded by nothing but fabrics. I sat up and winced.

“What-?” Suddenly I remembered. The Epsilon encounter… I groaned and fell back, my broken ribs throbbing.

“Ugh. Beckett is going to kill me…” I said into my hands.

“You bet he will.” I peeked through my fingers to see my other brother, Kirn, sitting on the floor.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” he said, getting up, “You’re lucky we found you in time.”

“What do you mean?” I asked him. Kirn shrugged.

“Well, Beckett and I were on patrol together and we heard the sound of struggle. We went towards the noise and arrives just in time to see that Epsilon filth beating the crap out of you. Beckett chased ‘em off, but you were pretty hurt.”

“Ugh,” I groaned again and sat up again, “Where is he?”

“Who, Beckett?” asked Kirn, “He’s over conversing with the east patrol. I think he’ll come by soon. And, ah, you better be on your best behavior Bay. He will not be happy with you.” Kirn gave me one last I told you so look and sauntered out of the tent. I glared after him and attempted to stand. I wobbled a little, but soon I regained my footing. I looked down and found I was wearing my tattered night dress I had salvaged.

“How did I-? Oh…” I shuddered at the thought of either Beckett or Kirn getting me out of my clothes and into my gown. Ever since the Great Collapse, I no longer thought of them as brothers. Beckett soon became the leader of the LeQokett group and Kirn, his second in command. I can’t help but notice, both my brothers are a tiny bit sexist. All of the females in the group hardly go out in patrol and all the men get the good jobs.

I mentally cursed both of them and searched around for my real clothes. When I realized I couldn’t find them, I cursed in my head even more. Frickin’ brothers. I decided to go search for them, so I made my way out of the tent. I squinted in the late morning light and took in the entirety of the LeQokett base camp. There were tents set up everywhere, all of them dirty and camouflaged to the best of their ability. Right in the center of camp was a bigger tent where everyone met and discussed new problems.

“Huh, problems,” I snorted to myself. My life was now nothing but problems. As I walked through the camp, I got all kinds of looks. Most were pity, some were scared and others were… I frowned and kept walking. Satisfaction? I shook it off and decided to go find Beckett instead. He probably knew where my real clothes were. I came across him and a few other LeQokett group members conversing next to the medical tent.

“-I know that the Society members have been teasing us with the borders. We need to fight them off and- What? Yeah, yeah I know.” I drew closer and stood behind the two comrades my big brother was speaking to. When he finally noticed me, his expression was worried.

“Baylee,” he said, coming up to me, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, you doosh. Where are my clothes?” Beckett sighed and took my hand.

“Please excuse me, gentlemen,” he said, “I need to have a little talk with my baby sister here.” I glared daggers at him. Even though Beckett was eleven years older than me, I still hated the way he called me a ‘baby’. The LeQokett members nodded politely and went on their way. Once they were gone, Beckett turned his back to me and looked off into the distance.

“So,” I said, “Where are my clothes?” Suddenly, he wheeled around and punched me in the face.

“Whoa what-?” I started, but Beckett slapped me again.

“What in the world were you thinking?” he shouted at me, “Picking a fight with Epsilon members? You know you’re not good with two on one combat!” I growled and spit out a clot of blood.

“They were on our territory, Beck!” I retaliated, “I had to do something!”

“You shouldn’t have been out in the territory in the first place!” said Beckett.

“Oh yeah?” I stuck my chin out. I had an extremely short temper and Beckett was getting me to the end of my rope.

“Yes!” Beckett snarled, “There is a strict policy here!”

“Oh, yeah, the policy,” I said, “The policy where all the ‘weak women’ and ‘puny children’ stay inside the camp because you think that the men are dominant!”

“That’s not what I think it’s what the policy-”

“Pfft, of course,” I sneered, “You can not be blamed because you think differently from what the policy states even though you made the policy!” Beckett’s eyes narrowed and his fists clenched.

“Baylee, I just want to keep the less defensive part of our organization safe!” he said, “Children are our future and the women need to keep them safe!”

“Oh, I know exactly what you are!” I screamed at him, “You are an overprotective, sexist dooly hopper and I’m sick and tired of you underestimating what most of us ‘defenseless women’ can do.”

“Baylee-”

“Screw you Beckett!” I snapped, “I’m not a baby anymore and I’m ready to go out there and fight!”

“Baylee Patience!” Beckett exploded. I stopped and glared at him.

“I’m trying to keep your sorry arse safe, you ungrateful twap,” he said, dangerously calm, “And now, I’m more than certain that you need to stay in camp with constant guard.” My eyes widened in shock.

“I’m going have bodyguards?” I asked incredulously. The thought was unfathomable, “I can’t have bodyguards! I can take care of myself an-”

“Shut your trap Baylee!” he shouted at me, “You are going to be watched 24/7 and that is final.” He turned and started to walk away.

“I hate you!” I screamed, tears coming to my eyes, “I hate you Beckett Patience! Go burn in hell!” I spun and ran towards the broken down building where my brothers and I stayed. I ran in, slammed the door and locked it. Then I sank down, my back to the door, and started to cry.

“I hate him,” I said, my eyes red and voice trembling, “I wish I could get outta here.” I stood and stomped over to a chair. I picked it up and threw it at Beckett’s sleeping area. It hit the wall and fell apart, the rotted wood splintering all over the place.

“I’m leaving,” I muttered angrily, “I’m leaving tonight.” As I stood up to unlock the door, I could hear voices coming up towards the me. I recognized my brother’s voices, Kirn and jerkface Beckett.

“-you think that was necessary?” Kirn was saying, “I mean, she’s a tough girl, if not a little hot headed.” My breath caught in my throat as I realized they were talking about me. I pressed my ear against the door to catch more of their conversation.

“I know that,” replied Beckett, “But she’s not strong enough to handle herself out there. Neither are most of the females in our group. Remember Rebecca?” My blood ran cold. Not strong enough? I can kick your sorry arse hard enough to put you in medical for a week, Beckett. I heard Kirn sigh in exasperation.

“That was once Beckett,” he said, “And Rebecca didn’t know how to use a weapon.”

“Are you suggesting we put our own sister in danger?”

“No, Beck. All I’m saying is that we should let Baylee have some more freedom. If we try and keep her locked up here forever, the more she’ll rebel.”

“No,” Beckett’s voice was unwavering, “If we let her have this, she could get killed. I’m just trying to protect her.”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure this is the right way to do it.”

“I’m going to keep her in this camp,” said Beckett, “No matter what.”

“She’ll hate you forever,” replied Kirn. Beckett snorted.

“Well that’s the price to pay, ain’t it? Now let’s settle in.” 

“Bay isn’t going to like this.”

“Look.” The rattling of the doorknob stopped and I could hear Beckett sigh, “Baylee’s too reckless. She wouldn’t survive an hour on her own, much less a lifetime. The day she brings me back a columbine flower from the Rocky Mountains is the day I’ll let her out on patrol by herself.”

“But that’s impossible!” protested Kirn, “You wouldn’t let her out of the camp! And if she did manage to escape your eagle eye vision, the Rocky mountains are hundreds of miles away! She’d never make it. It’s truly impossible.”

“That’s the point Kirn.”

The doorknob started to turn and I gasped. I ran as fast and as quietly as I could to a pile of boxes near the window, barely getting there before my brothers were in the room. I pretended I had been staring out that window the entire time. I heard footsteps come up behind me and I recognized Beckett’s heavy stride.

“Hey Bay,” he said gently, “Do you want anything to eat?” I spun around to face him and looked him cooly in the eyes.

“What, I’m actually allowed to do something?” I snarled. Beckett ran a hand through his hair and opened his mouth.

“Bay-”

“Shove a sock in it, Beckett,” I said, “I’m going to bed early.” I stood and strutted to the small room that was mine.

“And no,” I added, “I don’t want any of your frikin food.” I slammed the door behind me and waited. Once I was certain no one was outside my door, I grinned cynically and went to find my bag. It was time to pack.


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802 Reviews


Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

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Mon Dec 26, 2016 12:14 pm
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Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, NympheaLily. You asked for reviews so here I am. :)

only have a limited amount of time with this microphone, so listen up punks.
I loved the introduction. It's very personal, connecting me right away with Sadie, and her attitude and strong character is built up right away. The only nitpick I have is the microphone. I don't think that's necessary. Could she just be telling the story without a microphone? It takes away from the seriousness of it all, I think.

I took aim at the zombie’s heads and fired. It went down.
Since I'm pretty sure the zombie doesn't have multiple heads, you must be talking about multiple zombies. Hence it should say zombies', not zombie's. ;)

It was four years since the Great Collapse and I knew that humanity was falling.
The idea of having 'one event' to start it all is pretty clever. I love that you've got the whole history of this world decked out and I hope you explore it throughout the story.

Now since we got that all sorted, let’s get back to what’s happening now.
It's great that you've explained about the four groups, but it seemed a little forced and unnatural. Try to weave it into the story more. For example, a little bit later, you describe the LeQokett base camp. You could say how it's a contrast to the Swallow camp (I don't know if it is, that's just an example) or something like that.

“Shut your trap Baylee!” he shouted at me, “You are going to be watched 24/7 and that is final.” He turned and started to walk away.
Beckett's dialogue is great, and very revealing of his character. I can see he is quite sexist, but can also tell that's only because the beliefs have been instilled in him from a young age. The end of the chapter confirms that he treats his sister like that because he cares about her so much. It'll be interesting to see how he develops as a character.

Well, I've reached the end and I think this is pretty good. I like your post-apocalyptic world (not that I'd like to live in it). What I'm interested to find out is how much society (not the group, Society) has changed and stayed the same.




NympheaLily says...


Well, on the zombie's part, it is a singular possessive noun. My autocorrect said it was right but it can be wrong sometimes. Thank you for your feedback.



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126 Reviews


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Reviews: 126

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Mon Dec 26, 2016 12:53 am
Aleta wrote a review...



Hey, Aleta here for a review.

Corrections
~
I bet you’re thinking Oh well I guess it can’t be too bad right?
C: Italicize the 'thinking part', and add a comma after oh well.

Well you’re way wrong.
C: Honestly the well and the way is not needed, you could just simply leave it at 'wrong.'

those creatures are just pretend.
C: You don't specify what you are talking about until afterword. You instead need to introduce the thought before this sentence because it's out of place otherwise.

I crouched low to the ground as I came up
C: Came up sounds very awkward here. Approached would sound more fitting.

zombie’s
C: Earlier in the other sentence, you say she 'comes up' on one zombie. Now it's plural? Specify if it's just one zombie or more than one.

such as cloth for bandages and if you get lucky and come across a zombified redneck, some bullets.
C: Runs on too long and breaks the flow. Separate the two sentences. The new sentence would start at: If you are lucky and come across a zombified redneck, you are likely to find some bullets.

All out war spread across the nation and my world became a kill or be killed one.
C: All out war spread across the nation once (maybe some more background if possible?). My world soon enough became a kill or be killed one. I chose to kill.

Before I get into anything else about my crapped up life, lemme explain some things.
C: You're practically using text speech here. 'Crapped up' would not be acceptable if published in a novel, simply because it's an odd phrase and doesn't fit in the sentence right. Lemme needs to be in the appropriate terminology unless in dialogue.

I blinked, then my head swung around.
C: The way you say this makes it sound as if she turned her head all the way around like a robot. Rephrase. I blinked, turning my head would be more suitable.

stepped into the line of sight.
C: stepped into *their line of sight.

“Dirty-mother-”
C: No need for the hyphens.

The figure, now my older brother Beckett leaned over me, the shadows of panic flicking across his face.
C: Split these sentences up. Here: The figure leaning over me is my older brother Beckett. I noticed the shadows of panic flicking across his face despite the fact that I was on the verge of passing out.

getting me
C: Different word choice please, anytime you observe this. I suggest proofreading.

“I’m going have bodyguards?
C: You already know.

Observations
~
My life is a frickin nightmare.
O: I know you are using this to refrain from cussing, although if the character grew up in Satan's mansion don't you agree she would develop quite the vocabulary?

This is my story. My name is Baylee Patience and I am a sixteen year old girl living in Satan’s mansion.
O: Well it is her story, I don't think you need to add that in there. You could say something like, my life as a sixteen year old in Satan's mansion has not been a fun experience, let me tell you that(but that's just a suggestion).

carry supplies that we need,
O: Why is there suddenly a we? We don't know who the 'we' is yet.

All zombies were irrelevant and stupid.
O: No kidding...they're practically brainless. This sentence is irrelevant.

stupid world that we live in.
O: No kidding...again.

Frickin’ brothers.
O: This makes me cringe even though I don't want it to.

“Huh, problems,” I snorted to myself.
O: Gives the imagery of a pig.

doosh.
O: Odd, I have not heard this word before.

dooly hopper
O: Cringe.

“Shove a sock in it, Beckett,” I said, “I’m going to bed early.” I stood and strutted to the small room that was mine.
O: Honestly, the way you write this makes her seem not hot-headed but just a brat. Makes the reader not care if she dies.


Suggestions
~
It went down.
S: Too bland. You need to add more imagery here. I'll give you an example: The creature collapsed to the ground in a pool of blood.

The Epsilon couple looked up and grinned at me.
S: It would be nice to know what they looked like.



Theme
~
I get this Percy Jackson vibe. The microphone thing is present in Rick Ridorian's Egyptian collection of books. The words such as "frickin, crap, heck" really make it sound childish and makes me feel like I'm reading a book for elementary kids. Unconvincing on the part of Satan's mansion. Even though I know you don't mean for it to have feminist vibes it's what it reminds me of and I laugh because now I'm thinking of crazy feminist compilations on YouTube.

Hope I helped!




NympheaLily says...


Thank you for your feedback but there is somethings about this story I will tell you. For one thing, there is more than one main character. Everything is told through a microphone and I want to feel like this is more of a one on one conversation story. I also say all those things like 'frikin', 'crap', and 'heck' because I am strongly against language but I want to give the impression that the characters have a strong vocabulary. Furthermore, "Satan's Mansion" is a replacement for 'hell'. Just to let you know that the setting is New York city, post apocalypse. And this chapter is told from the perspective of an extrememly batty, hotheaded teenager who is kinda jerky. The "zombie's" is not plural, it is possessive.

I do try to refrain from cussing because I want my works to be available to everyone, even those who don't appreciate cussing. I think I'll probably sub them with something else but I'll think about it.

Thank you for your feedback.
Happy Holidays!




Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand