Young Writers Society

Hi there! I'm going to leave a few thoughts on your piece!

I'm so glad that you posted a screen play or film idea, because that's not a category I generally get to review anything in.

So right off the bat I'm a bit confused on the distinction between the dark one and the girl. Like would they be played by the same actress? And what exactly are they doing? I almost wonder if you named "the girl" if it would be a bit easier to distinguish the characters. Because a few times you say "she" did this or "she" did that. So as a reader I got a bit confused.

Early on this line: "After a second a dark one does, too." left me very confused as to what the dark one was doing.

I liked the twist that you had at the end with the audience turning from stuffed toys into real people. I want to know a bit more about the girl's emotional reaction though. Is she sad, proud, blank-faced, scared at the end? I like the concept you have so far, it's like a minature little scary story. Very leery and ominous at the end, and leaves me wondering what exactly did the dark one do and what caused this transition. But I think we're missing a few of the in-between pieces of the story. For instance, I think you need some element to make the audience connect or feel more sympathy for the main character, the girl. Because it's hard for me to care about the ending, if I don't care about the character at the beginning of the piece. You could establish connection by giving her a little bit more personality and giving her a bit more uniqueness.

Also the transition to the end was a bit abrupt and as a reader left me more questions than answers. I think it's okay to be ambiguous, but just a bit more of the details about what exactly caused this future for the girl would be a good addition in my opinion.

Overall, this was a creepy piece to read, but I like the concept you have going here.

Best of luck in all of your writing,

~alliyah

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Hi Nymeria! (I love your username!!)

Man, for a brief plot description of a short film this held a lot of tension and emotion. That's a fantastic place to start! I really like the image of this girl playing an eerie, sad version of Heart and Soul for an audience of stuffed animals and how the two pianists merge at the end.

I had a few questions as I was reading, though. First, I wondered a lot about how I'm meant to understand "the dark one". Is this the "dark" side of the girl? Her evil side? Or is it some physical representation of her sadness, anger, or another negative emotion? I know that from your authors note the girl and the dark one are the same person, but they're clearly meant to represent something different about her. I just want to know more about what that is!

I find it fascinating that the girl has to embrace this darker side of herself in order to play "happily" (at least, I'm assuming the final song played is not as melancholy? We're not told anything about the tone of the final song, so if I'm wrong maybe that's something you can clear up!). It's lovely to acknowledge that as humans we're only really whole if we embrace all the parts of ourselves, light and dark. I love that one of these characters doesn't have to "defeat" the other to reach the resolution of the story, but that they have to become part of the same person.

As far as formatting goes, I think that since you don't have dialogue, it would just come out in paragraphs? Usually, stage directions are italicized paragraphs in a full script, since a large part of typical scripts are dialogue. Ultimately, it probably doesn't matter how you'd format it as long as the story/stage directions are clear!

Also, because I am a fiction writer at heart, I wonder if it would be an interesting experiment to write a version of this as a short story? It's useful to write the same story in different forms to help figure out the nuances/what makes it unique, but of course that's entirely up to you! I do think you have enough here you could write a traditional short story, if you wanted. Will you try and make this as a film, even if the editing is difficult? I'd love to see how it turned out!

Thanks so much for sharing! Keep writing!

--Lauren