Hey Nymeria! First off I love your user name! That being said i am going to give this a go with a review. Please feel free to ask any questions, and as some of this is my own opinion feel free to consider it and do with it what you please!
My biggest thing first off is "The Girl". You use this statement to relate to the main character at least a dozen times and it begins to detract from the flow and rhythm of your story. I would try to use it less, and allow the paragraphs which contain a single thought to speak about the character who is in reference. For example you said:
Sudden clapping alerted the girl that the ceremony had ended. The kids to her left began wandering into the crowd to look for their parents. The girl followed suit, shuffling to her mother, who gave her a funny little smile as she approached.
"Where is Papa?" the girl asked, entwining her fingers with her mother's. "You said he would be here."
In this little blurb we see it used 3 time, so i would try to change it up to help the flow of the overall piece. For example try, "Where is papa," she asked, entwining her fingers..."'or "the sudden clapping alerted her to the fact that the ceremony...". Little ways like that make it feel less choppy and more fluid in thought and rhythm.
I think it would be even better to give her a name because that would help a lot. Maybe your trying to be vague and mysterious though. This is not a bad thing, you just have to be careful with how you do it
Meredith!" the girl called to the dark-haired child walking with her parents. Meredith turned around. "I'll race you home!" The girl released her grip on her mother's hand and started running, hearing her friend's footsteps in close pursuit.
This paragraph was very confusing for me. I wasn't sure who Meredith was. And since you haven't described to us yet how the mian girl looks, besides the dress she as wearing, I wasn't sure who was calling to who. If the dark haired girl was our protagonist or someone else. I think part of it has to do with "the girl" being the only point of reference we have for your main character.
The two girls beelined for their side-by-side houses. They sprinted along the dirt road between the backs of town homes and the vast fields of browning wheat. They jumped gracefully over puddles of mud with their expensive dresses flowing behind them. Meredith began to overtake her friend, who watched unsurprised. Meredith's long legs seemed to beat her every time.
Their houses approached. The smaller girl willed her feet to move faster, but it was hard to run in the poofy dress and stiff shoes. She was concentrating so hard on the yellow ribbons of Meredith's dress that she misjudged the distance over the next puddle. Her hard shoe splashed and slipped, and the girl with it.
So couple things about this. I like how you describe the town, the brown wheat and all as they run. My biggest point of confusion was how they both jumped gracefully over the puddles. I can understand Meredith doing so, but our main characters dress is so small it made me wonder how she was able to be graceful. Especially since In the next paragraph you referenced that it was hard or her to run in the poofy dress. I think you should change up the graceful part, at least for the main character to help this flow more.
The last part about this is that the last sentence felt choppy for me. Her shoe splashed and slipped, and the girl with it (I'd also change up "the girl" again), but maybe say "The girl fell to the ground with a cry as her shoe slipped in the puddle." This flows better and ties why she is falling with her show, it's my example so I'd play with it a bit.
Her best dress was ripped and splattered with mud. One of her shoes had gone flying into the field. Her hands were scratched and dirty from using them to break the fall. Her mother would be furious.
One of the other things I really desire a little more of is some expression and insight into the girls feelings. She falls here, is all scratched, and is thinking about how mad her mom will be, but we don't get to see any of her emotion. Is she scared about her moms reaction, is she in pain from the fall? These would be great things to add to connect us with the main character more and give us a little insight into her mind. Same with the part about her dad, was she sad he didn't show up? Disappointed? Did she feel let down and lied too? I feel like these important things add depth to the character you are creating.
Meredith, go home," the girl's mother said evenly, tonelessly. Wordlessly, Meredith turned and jogged toward her house. Wordlessly, the girl's mother started back to their home, her grip still tight on her daughter's arm.
Couple things here, the flow from tonelessly to wordlessly feels funny,and I think it is the "lessly" used in both words. Also you start both sentences back to back with "wordlessly". Using the same word like that can make a story feel choppy and disjointed so I'd experiment with some synonyms and have some fun with mixing it up.
The girl wasn't entirely sure what the word meant, but it must have been something bad. She tried asking her parents, but they always found an excuse to not answer.
I'd love to know what we're the feelings she had about people not being honest? Did she notice her mom being worried or agitated, did her dam seem tense because of the word "war". I'd lead us more into why she thinks it is bad, what are the emotions and feelings connected with "war" that makes her think it isn't a good thing.
I do think you did a good job with the mom. I can feel her tension just with how flat she is acting, trying to shut down her emotions.
Overall good job! You got a Great start here and thank you so much for being bold and posting it. I know it can be hard to allow others to critique your work, if you have any questions please let me know!
Points: 1616
Reviews: 15
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