Just a little something silly and awkward I threw together in 5 minutes :)
Do you ever just look at yourself
and think, "Wow,
I'm just like every other teenager
living an ordinary teenage life in the suburbs."
We've all got a hobby or two
favorite and least favorite classes
a circle of close friends.
We are all the same.
But sometimes we feel so special
such a limited-time offer.
And we are.
We each have different voices in our heads
resumes of injuries
moments of bliss.
We are all different.
We are unique individuals
all swimming in the same pool full of pee.
Each of us has the same intention:
to be happy.
How we must get there
is what makes us unique.
(What the heck I can't get the format on here)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Wow! You said it took you just a moment to throw this masterpiece together! That is really impressive considering the level of vocabulary and the vivid imagery that it uses in order to convey the nuances of differences among humans which makes every single individual unique. I especially like how you use the expression "in my head" as well as the the vivid image of all mankind us sloshing around in our own pee.
That's extremely original since it is very rare for a poet to use urine as a symbol in that creative fission. The lack of punctuation is sheer genius since it serves to promote the flow of the reading without those annoying pauses and stops that so many fanatically insist upon. The only suggestion I can think of to improve this poem is to include a question mark after the word "suburbs"". Not really necessary since obviously it is a question whether or not we add a question mark. So adding it is just a way to go along with what is deemed correct. But of course the poetic license allows for all types of deviations from the norm and this could very well be considered one.
I also like the way that there are no distracting artificial rhymes which might immediately convey artificiality to a reader.
Keep up the great work!
BTW
Why did you place this piece under the humor category?
sorry i am not very good at writing reviews.
I like this poem. it has some pretty deep figurative language, whether you intended it to or not. a good example of this is "We are unique individuals all swimming in the same pool full of pee."
This implies that there are thousands of diverse people all struggling to survive in the same (mildly distasteful) world, all trying to get out. (that is really deep).
you say that you made this in five minutes. I find that really impressive that you managed to get an underlying theme that quickly. (did your subconscious put it there?!)
other more general issues include punctuation, and like you said, formating
-Corvus Queen-
Hi there! Here to leave a review using the Knights of the Green Room Challenge questions as a guide. So let's get started.
Also I saw at the end you left a note about struggling with formatting, I'm not sure if you had figured it out or not but here's a link to YWS resources on that: How to Format Poetry The main deal is that you have to hold shift when you click enter to eliminate spaces between lines and then just click enter normally if you need a full space.
1. What are your first thoughts after reading this poem?
So, initially I took this poem to be like a self-help sort of confidence booster sort of poem. Yay! We're all different. Although then I saw that it was listed under the "humor" category and I'm seeing that strange line, "all swimming in the same pool full of pee" and I'm wondering if it's all supposed to be satire. I would say one thing about humor is you just have to go for it. If this is supposed to be satire or humorous don't just have one funny line in there, but make it all over the top rediculous. And if it's not supposed to be funny or satire, then that line about "pee" has no place in this poem (in my opinion) because it changes the tone of the piece to wise lecturer telling us about identity to juvenile making a bodily fluid joke. So, to summarize -- I thought the poem was an interesting read, but I'm having a difficult time finding what the overall tone's supposed to be.
2. What did you like and dislike? Why?
Likes
I like the simple language that you used to portray your message. It's all pretty direct. And I also like that you tried to put a few metaphors in there as well. I think a few more similes would be well received in this piece.
Dislikes
So there are a few places where the wording and flow could be improved.
For instance here:
"But sometimes we feel so special
such a limited-time offer."
This sentence is just a little awkward. I would change "such" to "like" and see if you can't change "special" to a more specific meaningful adjective.
This last line's wording is a bit odd too:
it might just be that the "H" in "how" is capitalized, so one has to read it as a new thought. I would recommend reading through the entire piece out-loud to sort of decipher where the issues in wording and flow are.
3. What did you think the meaning of the poem was?
So I took this poem to mean that the speaker recognizes we go back and forth on whether we're unique or all the same. And there are aspects in which one could argue convincingly both ways. In the end the speaker claims the journey of how you get to the place of being happy is what truly matters and really makes us unique. It's a fairly clear and straight forward message. But one that I think will resonate with a lot of people.
For a piece that deals with such a philosophical topic, you may want to think about how to inject more emotion into the piece so that it's not all "head-knowledge" material but also some "heart-knowledge" too -- this will help readers connect to the main message more. To put in some more emotion you could give a personal example or describe some of the emotions of the speaker as you're going through the poem.
4. Was there anything that seemed "off" to you? Why did it seem "off"?
In this string of lines:
I really think you need a comma after "two" and "classes" or it's a bit hard to understand. Initially I read it as "two favorite [hobbies]" and was confused.
This happened a few other places where you're doing a list, and forget the comma between each aspect, the way it's written without the commas is a little hard to decipher right away. So I would just go back through and read each sentence in the piece as a sentence rather than a line and make sure that the punctuation works.
In this line: "resumes of injuries" see if you can get the little accent on "resumé" you may have to copy and paste it.
Overall, a nice short poem to read that was pretty consistent and clear in its message. Please let me know if you have any questions with my review. Good job here!
~alliyah
Carly here;
uhmm I didn't quite get the message here. The poem title has no association with the work, or I just cannot relate yet. I was going to mention about how the poem was kinda disorganized, but like you said you "couldn't get the format" , so I'll just balme it on that.
So far, I enjoyed one line in this work:
** We are unique individuals
all swimming in the same pool full of pee.***
This was well thought and very creative...
Thanks