Published March 24, 2009
To live in a world of saught perfection.
To breathe in air of distraught affection.
It's the reason stars plummet and waters molest.
It's the joy we posses being put to the test.
Life may be short, but death may be shorter.
Death may be sad, but life can be sadder.
Life may be intricate, this I nod true,
Yet we weep over the simplicity of death too.
Look to your left and you'll glimpse a tear,
I trace of sorrow birthed by fear.
Glance to your right and you'll notice a smile,
A portion of magic made by hates denial.
Must it all lie on scales of compare and contrast?
How can bliss be if we don't let it last...
Let us believe in the beauty within,
And widen the bridge of esteem we find so thin.
This is my first poem so it isn't very good.
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140,909 Literary Works • 673,721 Reviews
There is not much to say, besides me praising it. Your rhythm was perfect, the rhyming didn't seem forced. Ext. Keep up the good work!
-Molest doesn't have to mean like...rape. When waters molest it means they crash and stuff
-And yes, I did mean 'A'. I was typing this up quickly. And yes, the grammer sucks
But thanks for your insight *wink wink wink*
Ok, first off, welcome to YWS! Second, nice poem. it flows well and has a good concept. There are a few things that need fixing, though.
- "It's the reason stars plummet and waters molest." Waters molest? I'm not sure what you mean by that, and it sounds slightly strange. Is there anything you can change it to?
- "Life may be short, but death may be shorter.
Death may be sad, but life can be sadder. " These lines aren't bad, but kind of repetitive. That might have been what you were going for, but it feels a bit too redundant.
- "Yet we weep over the simplicity of death too." This line kind of interrupts the flow. Could you change it around, or shorten it a bit?
- "I trace of sorrow birthed by fear." Did you mean "A trace of sorrow?"
- "A portion of magic made by hates denial." This should be 'hate's'. And for some reason, this line doesn't quite flow right, but it's passable.
- "Life may be short, but death may be shorter.
Death may be sad, but life can be sadder." All your lines rhyme, but these two don't. They flow, but the rhyme isn't exact, like your other lines.
Altogether, nice job. Once you fix those small things, I think it will be even better.