Published July 8, 2005
This poem still scares me because it's so deep...
Chorus:
I just forget myself when I'm up here with you.
No matter what I planned before it, I just can't think things through.
You clog up my mind, and I get lost in the moment!
You are all I can find, because I'm lost in the moment.
When I'm up here with you.
Don't ask my why I said it,
Because I don't know.
Don't ask me why I did what I did,
Because I can't remember anymore.
My brain goes out,
I just breathe in your love,
My mind stops and my heart takes over,
And I forget what's going on.
I think that's the end, but I can't really tell how I have it written down. Oh well!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,522 Literary Works • 672,149 Reviews
So we meet once more in the poetry archives.
I found this quite near the bottom of the pile and after reading your introduction, and then the comments, it became worth my time. So I am hoping that saying this is "so deep" is a sarcastic but again, it's 2005, I'm guessing it was meant to be entirely seriously. Or not even 2005, just poetry.
And calling it poetry brings in the secondary conflict I saw in the comment boxes. Where someone accuses the writer of posting lyrics in the poetry forum, and the writer tries to defend themselves, when they're trying to format it as lyrics. From the looks of the "chorus" and other structure mentions? That seems to be a little bit off to me.
I spent far too long on that and I'm going to spend far too long on the content, even for the lack of attendance in the content. I come back to doubting how the piece would be considered deep because the speaker doesn't have a clue about their own actions. And the second author's note reveals that you don't have a clue about the speaker's actions, which doesn't give up a lot of hope for the readers. We're being guided through a process, on this tour through a dark and dimly lit cave, but then suddenly the tour guide is gone.
Don't leave me in here with the yeti, mr. poet.
I'm sorry but what lame teenage pop song did you rip off for this emotionless baloney? I get that I probably shouldn't yell at people and pick apart their work, but I really honestly think this came straight from some other band. It's the classic romantic obsession as a justification for not thinking and though I shouldn't be surprised to see it at this point, I still am. It's the same overall emotion that continues throughout the entire poem, as in the only apparent emotion, and I don't see much good in the subject matter.
Any work could be good but with how the piece sits now, I'm recommending to strip it completely down and figure out where you want it to go. Right now, it's very generic. There's no better way to explain how I feel about the content than just saying that.
That's all I've got for tonight.
Happy Halloween.
- lizz
Well, this one isn't really a song. Maybe it is. I'm not sure which place it would belong. I moved my real songs, though. This one might have been a song, but not really.
Perhaps it should be the end. I do think you should repeat yourself sometime...especially since it's a song and it's kind of short. I think it would kinda cool if it were a fast song...
How come you don't put your songs in the Lyric section?