This is a work in progress, meaning I'll add more as I come up with it.
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You wake up in an unknown place, surrounded by trees. A strange looking person is standing above you, unblinking.
Player: Wh- who are you?
Strange Person: ...
Player: Where am I?
Strange Person: ...
The person, who quite frankly is so androgynous you can't tell whether they're a boy or a girl, hasn't spoken a single word.
Unknown Female: Who the fuck are you?
You flinch, as another person appears. You're stunned by her beauty. She's absolutely gorgeous. You're speechless.
Unknown Female: I said, who. the. fuck. are. you?
You don't know what to say, taken aback by her bluntness. You try to remember who you are, why you're here. But it doesn't click.
Unknown Female: Wait a hot second.
She reaches for your neck, and you can't move, frozen in place.
Player: Wha-
Unknown Female: You're one of us. Interesting. What'd they do to you?
You're very confused. One of them? What does that mean? What are they?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,414 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This is the start to a visual novel, where the player wakes up in a strange place and meets an equally strange woman. As it turns out, they are the same as the woman! But what does it mean?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love that this player character is so amazed by the woman that they don’t even remember to speak or who they are, it really shows how lost the player is. I’m also intrigued to know what it means that the player is…one of them.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a promising start to a visual novel! I have enjoyed reading this and I will be certain to read more. If you make this an actual game I’ll be sure to play it! Now…
I wish you a fantastic day/night! ^v^
oo I love this so far. I know you said it's for a visual novel, does that mean like a game? Since the character is 'player'? That's how I was envisioning it. I think it's a very interesting start to a game/story. We don't know much yet, other than there is a group that the Unknown Female and The Strange Person are a part of. The player is one of them, but clearly doensn't remember this.
I know this is a WIP so you might add this later on, but I would like to know more about the setting and the sensory aspects of the story. We know it's an unknown place with trees, but what else is around the player? And what do the two people look like, more in depth?
I love how much you have piqued my interest with such a short piece! Looking forward to more!
thank you for the feedback!
OOH wait this looks so interesting im invested (im so into the entire androgynous thing so this really really piques my interest) i wanna read more.... do write.... more... please... feed us... mother... or father or anything im sorry idk what pronouns you'd prefer, good day!
I'm ur uh... shopping cart