Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I didn't choose to live like this; in sketchy motels that probably had roaches. I wanted a much better life than a fake name and Jerome could give me. They were going to find me, and when they did, they'd find out the truth. Jerome told me to get to Salt Sanctuary, a small town on the coast and lay low there. I hadn't liked the idea but I was running out of money and there was a shop that was hiring.
The lady that was showing me the house was way too chipper on a rainy day, "Are you sure you wanna buy this dump? I have other, more nicer homes." Her face was scrunched up, Mindy I think her name was.
I moved my hair out of the way. I needed a hair cut. "It's perfect." My voice was strange to my ears. I shoved the money into her hands and took the key before she could say anything.
I'd given her the money before I could change my mind. I walked into the house and immediately sneezed. "Shit..." I said to myself and walked around. I needed to go into town.
I pulled my hood on my head and walked out the door. The house was secluded and it was quiet, so dingy it didn't draw attention to anyone. If I didn't take this job then I would starve, which would break my promise to Jerome. Thinking of my friend made me want to go back, to turn myself in and let them have the information they wanted. But if I did that, I would lose my freedom as well, I'd already lost some of it.
I walked up to the familiar store and walked in. It was busy , almost too busy but I pushed past that unease. I approached the counter and placed my shaking hands down on the cool glass. "You're hiring, yeah?"
The man looked me up and down, my hoodie, which used to be tighter on me, was now baggy due to my weight loss. "Can ya lift 50 pounds, kid?" the old man said, sticking a toothpick in his mouth.
I rushed out an answer, "Yeah, I may look skinny but I use to work construction." It was not a total lie.
The old man nodded his head, "You got the job, uh..."
"Day, it's short for Duane McAndrews." I said. Stealing my dead uncles name is what I've been doing since I left home.
He wrote it down somewhere then turned back to me, "Alright Day. My name is Robert and you start tomorrow. Don't be late, kid."
I nodded my head. I then walked out of the store and walked back to my dingy little house that really needed some food in it and a duster. Walking back into the house I almost fell. I turned on the lights and took off my hoodie.
I walked into the bedroom and noticed the old alarm clock and sighed in relief. A bed never looked so comfortable to me. I crawled under the dusty covers and let myself fall asleep.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
This is really good. I love the names that you chose! You should write a full story out of this. I would love that book.
Hey ya,
Dropping by here for a quick review, I may not be the best writer or grammar nazi or the best reviewer, but I'll have a short review on your master piece. You may PM me or comment on my works if you wish contact to me regarding on what I said. Or you can give me a gift, like my works, read my works or anything you see fit! Just don't hunt me down or haunt my nightmares.
So hope my short review is a short review.!
Firstly,
the jump from paragraph 1 to paragraph 2 was all too sudden.
He walked around the house and has the sudden urge to go town. I mean what he see in the shop made him the decision he needs to go town immediately instead of settled himself at her new home.
So overall, there was a secret that caused him to be a runaway and use the identity of his uncle. Ohhhh, what's the secret? a suspense, a short trip of withdraw stage from a big picture. But I could say It's lacking of emotional bitterness and lingering. He seems to like accept his fate of life on the run the moment he reach Salt Sanctuary. He could have relapse at any moment.
Okay, hope to see you soon!
Yo.
Jimss here.
Thought I would pop by on this glorious review day to throw my two cents in here.
Ok, my customary disclaimer. You would need a microscope to find my grammar talents so I can't help you there. Also, the filter on my mouth was removed somewhere in my early childhood, so if I say anything that offends, just know I didn't mean it.
Let's do this.
1) First thing we gotta address is the formatting here. You jump around a lot from one paragraph to another and it breaks the flow of the story a little. I would advise making the paragraphs a little more streamlined so that it is not as "sporadic".
2) Pacing. Things move really, really fast for just this little section. The MC gets a house, goes to the city, finds a job almost instantly. These are things that should happen over the course of multiple sections as if you spread them out more it makes your work much more natural pacing.
3) Don't be sparse with the descriptions. I don't know if this one of the first scenes where your MC is introduced, but you have the setting to use to help give the reader a strong idea of what your MC looks like and, through that, what is going on in the MC's head.
4) This section does have a lot of context missing and questions to be asked. Now, again, I don't know how far into your story this scene is. But, this section is filled with places where I was thinking "Wait, what?". That's not a bad thing, prima facie, but you want to make sure that the rest of your work addresses these questions.
5) One of the two things that I found strange was the MC buying the house and getting a job. Did the MC buy an actual house or a motel room? If it is the former then I would advise changing it to something along the lines of the latter. Buying a full house is a complicated, messy, and time-consuming endeavor. (Pricing, Fees, Taxes, Deeds, etc.)
Jobs are not as easy to get (mostly) as you have described here. There is a little more paperwork involved in hiring. These are two are the reasons I recommended slowing the pacing. These things are a lot more natural if they happen over the course of a day or two rather then in just one section.
Ok, I'll stop there. Now, on to the positives. I like the MC thus far. While I don't know too much about your MC yet, I think you have def set the MC up to be a very interesting character. Your descriptions of setting are also A1.
If you want me to explain anything here or want to respond to clarify anything I might have missed feel free to comment.
Happy Review Day,
Stay easy,
Jimmy Appleseed
This is amazing, the only comment I would say is explain why these "people want you".
When I read this, I wanted to know what this secret was that you were withholding. While you may not have realized it or not, no one knows the actual name of this kid. You should add detail; maybe in the home, add a bathroom was there and you looked at yourself in the mirror and explained what you looked like. Possibly even give a description of what Mindy looked like and what Robert looked like so your audience gets a better visual in their mind than just imagining the place.
Other than that, I think you did great! I hope to see more from you in the future! Keep up the fantastical work!
~ Lake
The beginning pulled me in. I didn't want it to end. Nice work.