Vardøger
I had never seen a ghost before. But like they say, there’s a first time for everything.
I stood frozen, a hand clutching the wood of the doorframe and heart thumping loud enough to wake the dead. The only other sound I heard was a soft wind rustling the trees.
Darkness enveloped the house and not a single streetlight shone. The only reason I knew something occupied my room was due to my eyes adjusting and allowing me make out a dark silhouette. It didn’t seem to notice me, instead focused on the photo frames and ornaments on my walls.
A person would scream in such a situation under normal circumstances, I figured. Cry and shout for someone, anyone, to save them from the thing lurking in their home.
I couldn't make a sound.
At that time, it seemed like the 'thing' could only be some supernatural creature – the doors were all locked, the windows clasped shut, so who could’ve gone in? I would’ve heard glass shattering, or even just a door opening in this deafening silence.
My fingernails dug into the soft wood, and I began feeling lightheaded. There was someone in my home. There was someone in my home and everyone was snoring away, ridiculously ignorant of the danger they were all in.
My school once gave us a workshop on situations like this, if I wasn’t wrong. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember a word those police officers had said.
As if matters couldn’t get worse, with my impending doom and all, I could faintly make out the ghost inching its way forward. It must’ve realized I was there. It’s dark figure got closer with each second, until it stood directly ahead of me and I was praying to every deity in existence for safety – or a quick death.
The tense atmosphere was broken by a deep, familiar voice saying, “You scared me!”
My jaw dropped, the anxiety escaped my muscles, and I felt like collapsing from relief. My father! Oh, the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind that he, being an insomniac, was awake and prowling around the house!
He chuckled, and quickly explained the matter, but not before interrogating me for being awake in the dead of night.
We had a good laugh over the whole thing, and my father sent me off to bed again, but not before reprimanding me for finishing my homework at this unusual time.
He bid farewell, and I relaxed into my soft bed again, internally laughing at the bizarre experience. This was definitely a story to tell to my friends tomorrow!
It wasn’t until I was on the brink of sleep that I remembered that my father wasn’t prowling around. In fact, he wasn't even in the house.
He was at the hospital, after a nasty bout of appendicitis, recovering from surgery.
When every piece fell together, I realized that I wasn't as safe as I felt a few minutes before.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hi.
I like the concept of this work but I feel like it has a knack for pointing out the obvious.
This is apparent in the first and last lines of the work and it takes away from the dramatic impact as a whole.
The ghost story aspect was interesting and somewhat heart-warming I felt.
The use of first person narration also contributes well to the delivery of the story directly into the reader's mind.
I think the ending could be expanded upon without disrupting its status as a 'short' story, and that would help develop the character's relatability a bit.
Overall, an interesting short read.
Haha. Call it horror but I had to laugh at the end. It was so unexpected. Loved it!
Pretty short story, but awesome.
I see nothing to correct, though I think it would be better if you used dialogue between the character and the father. There is something in dialogues that makes stories more interesting and lively. Especially this being a mystery/suspense story, a little bit of dialogue would spice it up.
Superb work! Keep writing, and I hope I read much of your work soon.
Hello there! Care for a review?
Awesome job with that.
Lovely ending! The thing I thought you did really well, was tricking us into believing that everything was okay. That's always an interesting tactic in horror, because you're get us comfortable, making us think that it was essentially a 'cop out' horror story... when really, at the last moment you stab us where it hurts.
I personally think that you could do better for an opening line. This just didn't scare me, or condition me for fear either. The thing is, before the story has even begun, you're telling us exactly what's going to happen- which is fine in some stories, but not in horror. With horror, you really want to keep people in suspense, and always wondering what is going to happen next. And with horror, your reader's imagination is your best friend; you want them to be thinking, and worrying, and wondering about what on earth is happening.
I would like to have some solid proof of this discussion! Simply saying that they talked, I don't think is enough, in this case... because really, the only dialogue you have in this story, is "You scared me!" which really isn't much at all. Dialogue is very enjoyable aspect of writing. We learn a lot about your characters through it, we find out things about your story through it, and like I said: it also REALLY adds to the enjoying of a work.
Dialogue is also very useful in horror to freak people out! Why not give us some clues in their discussion about his father being a ghost? It's always great to have a chance to guess what's going on, and when we get clues, it's even funner!
Adding dialogue will also help your story go further. As it is, this is a pretty short, short.
That being said: you don't want to unnecessarily prolong a story, either.
Overall, I thought this was a pretty good story! I love horror stories. :3 And your ending was really great. Keep it up!
See you around!
-Socks
G'day
I found this short story pretty cool. I liked the twist about the father too! But I just found a few things that could do with some fine tweaking.
When you said, "The only reason I knew something occupied my room was due to my eyes adjusting and allowing me make out a dark silhouette." I found this sentence a bit confusing, because if there wasn't a light on before, then how would his eyes be adjusting?
"He bid farewell, and I relaxed into my soft bed again," you don't need to put the comma before the and.
One more question, what is the inspiration behind the title? It didn't really seem to relate to the story at all.....
But your story was quite good. You certainly have a talent for imagery! A good solid story.
Tennishead
Hiya.
Wow, I love how at the beginning everything was terrifying, then in the middle it became sweet, and by the end it was all sad.
The first thing I wants to mention was the fact that you said 'Willow Street' in the description but never mentioned it in the story. It's not a big deal, but I was thinking that something more was going to be explained about the street, like maybe the ghost was outside? Just besides the streetlight reference. I Don't know.
Your imagery is amazing though! The actual work of the piece is very well crafted and you have great talent.
Sorry for such a short review, hope it helps though.
Good luck in writing,
~ EternalRain ^.^
Hi EternalRain! Yeah, now that I think about, the Willow Street reference was completely uncalled for...oops. I was kind of rushing in thinking of a description, so I didn't put a lot of effort into it, but thank's for letting me know! Next time I'll definitely think it through! I'm so glad you liked my story, and it means a lot to me!
You're welcome ^.^
I really liked this short story. Just a few things I thought were confusing or could use some work.
The sentence "The only reason I knew something occupied my room was due to my eyes adjusting and allowing me make out a dark silhouette." is just a little confusing. Maybe try rearranging it, something like, "I only knew that something occupied my room because my eyes adjusted, allowing me to make out a dark silhouette."
Also, when the character's father starts talking to him/her (not specified... you may want to change that unless you intentionally wanted to use an unknown narrator.), you should include some dialogue instead of just summing up what he said. That way, it would feel more real and natural.
In the sentence "He chuckled, and quickly explained the matter," you should probably leave out the first comma because it is not needed there.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece and hope you write more!
Hi Falconer! Yes, you make a good point about the comma's (that's actually a star and that little confusing sentence! I was hesitant about writing it but at that time I couldn't think of an alternative thanks to my weird brain. Anyways, I really appreciated your thoughts on my story and I'm so glad you took the time to let me know. I'll try and apply it next time!