Published November 26, 2009
Across this barren land of woe
She cries out to her unforgiving foe
To whom do her cries seek?
The man in which is her lovers peak
He hears her, But can not return her call
For he trapped in an forsaken fall
One side wants future, the other past
But can't have either in this overcast
Such is distance love, never true
When instead of us, its me and you.
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141,435 Literary Works • 674,415 Reviews
Awesome job! I loved it very well written keep writing awesome poems!
Hi,
Welcome to YWS!
This is an interesting piece and I like your use of rhyming couplets.
I'd add more punctuation. It can help if you read your poems aloud so you get a better sense of the sound, and where you intend for there to be a stop. In longer sentences, commas can be useful between phrases so the reader doesn't run out of breath. Personally I'd try something like this;
"Across this barren land of woe,
She cries out to her unforgiving foe.
To whom do her cries seek?
The man in which is her lover's (apostrophe for possession)peak!
He hears her, (a small 'b' would be fine here)But can not return her call
For he trapped in a
nforsaken fall;One side wants future, the other past
But can't have either in this overcast.
Such is distance love, never true
When instead of us, it's (there's an apostrophe because it's it is)me and you."
I'd change "foe" and its rhyme because foes don't really seem to come into it so it sounds a bit forced. I'd get rid of phrases like "forsaken fall" as they sound too consciously poetic. I'd think more about how the separation affects the lovers and write about their reality, including imagery and dialogue without saying it directly, rather than trying to convey it with phrases which are too consciously poetic. Trust what you see and what you're trying to convey.
Finally, the review ration is 3:1, meaning you should write 3 reviews for other pieces for every piece if your own that you post.
Hope this helps.
Jas