“Hey Yui, wake up” Chen said quietly , as he slowly poked her cheek. “Whaaaaaaaat?” Yui groaned at him.
Yui sat up from under a wood panel that they were sleeping under, “Chen what do you want? it’s too early for me to hear you obnoxious voice” she then laid back down quickly. Chen still sitting up looked upon a nearby lake
“ Yui I have a question” Chen said gently.
“Hmmmm, what is it Chen?” she said as she started to yawn, “are you as hungry as I am?” Chen said as he has both hands on his stomach. Yui sat up and turned to look at him.
“Yes I am” she said sadly.
Chen and Yui were both quiet for a while. “But for now we should get up and go see if the baker has some fresh bread out”, they both stood up and started walking down a little dirt trail that was outlined with wildflowers.
Walking slowly to a small bakery in the village, they were almost unnoticeable. The beautiful silk that the more privileged people wore, covered their small selves. As they both quickly got through the crowd of people they smelled the wonderful scent of sweet fresh bread, just waiting for their hungry selves to eat it. While walking toward the delicious smell they saw a little boy, doing the same as them. The little boy stole a loaf of fresh bread, but what the baker did once he caught up to him was terrifying for them to watch. While the baker was distracted they when to get two warm fresh loafs of bread. They were relieved that they weren’t caught. With the bread hidden under their cloths they walks away, while walking out of the small village the saw the little boy hurt on the ground just trying to get up after that beating that he took. Yui and Chen walked over to the little boy and helped him up, because he couldn’t walk that well, Yui quickly put him on her back. Once he was one her back they walked back down the small dirt road back to where they were sleeping. Once there they laid down the small boy that they had helped. Yui walked over to a tree with a little secret hole, and inside the little hole was a little bag with thread, cloth and a few sewing needles. Yui then pulled out a piece of cloth, she walked toward the nearby lake and got the piece of cloth wet and then slowly started to wring it out so then it was only damp. Then she walked back to the little boy, he still just laying there was shocked as he felt the cold damp cloth on his freshly made wounds. The little boy cry in pain, Chen comforted him as Yui was finishing cleaning his harsh wounds. Once she finished she got out the loaf of bread that she got for herself and she tore it in half, handing one half to the small little boy.
“Here you can have half” Yui said smiling at the little boy.
“Th-Thank you”, the little boy said quietly and stuttering a bit.
Chen sitting there eating his loaf of bread was staring off at the lake and a few yards away he saw to figures, one of a duck and the other of a cat.
“Hey Yui, look over there” Chen said pointing at the cat and duck.
“What are you trying to show me Chen?” Yui said as if Chen was just being annoying.“I’m trying to show you the duck and cat right over there” Chen said excitedly
As Yui and Chen looked closely at the cat she noticed it's black shiny fur and perfectly white paws, and its chest also with white fur. The duck was just as plain as any other duck but as it turned to the side there was a patch of black feathers. As they both turned back they were surprised to see that the little boy was gone. They both stood up and looked around confusedly, Chen then said “ Where the heck did that little boy go?”
“Beats me Chen,” Yui sighed.
“I wonder if he just wanted our food,” Chen said as he looked at his feet.
“Well that could be true,” Yui said also staring at Chen’s feet.
Chen then started looking at the duck and the cat
The end
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like that story over all. I wounder how the Duck and cat tied into the story. I wounder who beat the little boy. Did he have a home? And how did the the boy and the girl not get caught yet the boy did? Over all it's a good story. I wounder if the title could have tied in more with the story. How did the the title tie in with the story.
I like that story over all. I wounder how the Duck and cat tied into the story. I wounder who beat the little boy. Did he have a home? And how did the the boy and the girl not get caught yet the boy did? Over all it's a good story.
I have to say, that title really drew me in there. Well hi there, I'm going to review XD
“Hey Yui, wake up” This first line, in the quotation marks. There should be a comma after wake up because you can't just leave it like that.
Also when you go from character to character in dialogue you need to skip down to the next line. (First line is Chen, then press enter and add in Yui).
" “Whaaaaaaaat?” Yui groaned at him." This line would be much better if you had put it as, "What?" Yui groaned." The at him isn't really necessary and I would advise not to add so many a's. I would suggest rather to have Yui say it like this possibly, "What? I'm sleeping here?" like try to drag it out more or to actually try to describe it like Yui dragged out the long groan or something similar.
I see some capitalization errors here and there, and some extra spaces between words but you can probably find those easily. There are to many to list here.
" “Chen what do you want? it’s too early for me to hear you obnoxious voice” " I assume you mean your not you. Also having Yui sit up and then immediately lay down again is a bit unnecessary. If Yui is going to sit up she should stay up, or at least for a little longer then one line of dialogue. Emphasize how tired she is maybe and then let her lay back down.
"The beautiful silk that the more privileged people wore, covered their small selves" this was a bit confusing because for a moment I thought the selves were referring to Chen and Yui.
So what did the baker do to the little boy? Chen and Yui saw something that terrified them but it was never explained what it was in first off. Instead of saying the boy got a beating later you I think you should describe the scene for a moment.
"While the baker was distracted they when to get two warm fresh loafs of bread. " I assume you mean went not when.
"With the bread hidden under their cloths they walks away," Again I assume you mean clothes and not cloths.
" he still just laying there was shocked as he felt the cold damp cloth on his freshly made wounds." You need to add a was between still and just.
" The little boy cry in pain," It should be the little boy cried in pain.
Well this was interesting, a short story about some orphans. It wasn't bad but there were a lot of typos and so on. I suggest checking over grammar next time before posting.
I also do not see the point in the duck and the cat though. There is no real part they play. I expected them to be magical in a way, teach them that good children get good things even if things aren't always good. (Like they thought stealing was wrong but one child was chided by the cat or duck to do so and so one gets something good, one gets something bad and the child who stole gets a chance to apologize and make up for his bad behavior) Well I only thought it because it reminded me in the beginning of Chinese folklore. This could use some work, but I could see you doing some pretty good things with this if you worked on it.
Hello fellow writer!
This is out-of-the-box creative! Using a duck and a cat?! So amazing
The story was a bit common with the whole magic forever thing, but it was well-written and really adorable. I must commend you on your good work and effort towards the writing world! Keep writing
Waffle~