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Young Writers Society


12+

White Bird Ch.1

by Nommie


Pain. Exhaustion.

Darkness threatened to take it, creeping along the outline of its vision. The mass of nightmares dragged itself forward on three legs, limping partially on a third. Excessive panting and groaning escaped its parted lips - revealing solid white canines. Its entire body shuddered in agony as it was barely able to stand. It needed to escape, find a place to hide from the world, lest it suffer a fate worse than death. Its chest felt painfully tight and constricted yet not broken, merely bruised to which breathing became unpleasant. It needed solace, it needed it now.

Warm liquid trickled down its nose. Drowning itself the scent of its own blood, the creature could hardly navigate. Only its eyes could tell it was surrounded by trees and nothing more. The sound of panting and a beating heart echoed in folded ears, pressed to either side of its elongated head. It questioned its location, wondering where exactly it had ended up. Its surroundings appeared to be new territory; something unrecognizable.

The creature, unable to move any further, came to an abrupt stop. Its vision blurred and its legs wobbled as they had inevitably weakened. It could no longer carry the weight of its own body. The creature quickly collapsed, wincing in pain. Falling into a heap upon the soft bed of grass below. At least the ground had provided minor comfort. The earth was cool to the touch, helping to reduce swelling around its chest. Though, the rest of its body remained battered and bloodied, struggling to survive. It panted heavily; a thick tongue lolling out of its mouth with every breath.

Quiet, delicate steps made their way through the thick grass, leaving a small path behind. A young maiden dressed in many layers of spring made her way through, unknowing of what lay just ahead in the woods. With gentle humming, she carried on with a small wicker basket on one arm, filled to the brim with seeds and apples red as roses. Her daily morning excursion would be by far the most interesting yet. Soft coral eyes caught glimpse of the dark bloodied creature sprawled out onto the ground. Surprising enough for her - it was still breathing! Despite the severity of its wounds, at least she judged from her distance. Bewildered by the sight of the wounded animal, she immediately abandoned her basket, letting it drop to the ground. She lifted the hem of her long yukata, running forward without risk of tripping. It wouldn't have been too convenient if she had gotten hurt in the process of attempting to help another. Even if that 'another' had been just an animal. In her mind, all lives were precious. Although approaching wild animals may of been unwise, she held little fear.

Within moments she arrived at the creature's side; in full view of all its injuries. How awful!.. The poor thing has been attacked so brutally.. What could done this? She looked it over, saddened. Its eyes remained open yet seemed to stare off into space. Did it even know she was there? Unconsciously the woman traced a few digits over the wolf's head, only for her to immediately pull them back. In her shock the animal had suddenly lashed out at her with a loud bark and snarl, though its eyes didn't even once make contact. It must be in so much pain.. having lost so much blood to reach this state.. I.. I have to do something!





Fretting over possibly hurting the poor creature, she made an attempt to lift it into her arms. However, yet again, she was greeted with another vicious attack which missed her completely. Its fading vision hindered its accuracy. The woman furrowed her brows, upset by the action. She looked to the wolf with concern before confronting it, being cautioned of another possible attack.

"I'm not going to hurt you!" She nearly shouted, her tone stern. A mixture of both reassurance and scolding. "Please let me help you or you will certainly die.." Her voice softened as she continued. The wolf could die in her arms if continued to resist. She couldn't let that happen. Not while she was around!

In that moment, the wolf's eyes calmed. It heard not the voice of a woman, but the sound of summer rain. The rustling of autumn leaves and it felt it, which unknowingly brought it comfort. For now, the creature would trust this soothing entity at its side. There wasn't much energy in its body to reject otherwise.

Much to her delight, the wolf settled down. Perhaps it lashed out because it couldn't tell who had been touching it. If she were something trying to harm it or not. That much she could understand, and with the wolf no longer attempting to harm her, she carefully pulled it forward into her arms. Her actions elicited groans and whines from the animal, but she knew if she didn't move it soon then it would eventually grow cold through the night and die one way or another. She didn't wish for that to happen. Sighing to herself and holding her breath, she pulled the creature up and against her body, resting it's head over her shoulder as if tending to a small child.

"Please forgive me for the pain I may cause you.." She whispered to the wolf, lifting herself up from the ground with it secured firmly in her arms. Its only response had been a groan, one of pain. Its heavy breathing echoing in her ear. The sound of which drove the woman to move as quickly as possible, running into the depths of the woods.

Warmth had touched its cheek.. a hand? The wolf's eyes slowly fluttered open, greeted by a pair of soft gentle eyes staring directly into its own. Had it lost consciousness? Seemed to be case. Thankfully now the ground was no longer its bed. Instead, the wolf found itself to have been placed on a futon, which of course was much more comfortable. Its pain seemed to had ceased as well. Just what exactly had happened?

"Oh thank goodness you're awake.." A voice spoke to him softly, sighing with relief. Followed by the gentle stroking of a hand over the wolf's head. "I begun to assume you wouldn't wake up and.." The woman cut herself off, shaking her head as she forced a smile. "I hope you're feeling better?" She asked it softly, running her fingers through its fur.

The wolf could only provide a stare of disbelief in response as she touched him. Yet, he found little reason pull away. It felt..nice? This woman confused it so. What could urge a young lady to rush to the aid of a wild, vicious animal? With each second that passed, the growing restlessness in its heart dissipated.

"Well," The woman began. "You're not trying to bite me, or panting.. so I guess that's probably a yes" She gave the wolf another smile, one a bit more natural than the first. In all honesty she had felt nervous and hesitant about touching the creature, thinking it would want to leave immediately or even try to take another snap at her. She let out another soft sigh.

"So.. you're a boy wolf?" She blurted out, blushing lightly with her gaze averted. "I kind of.. found out" The woman noted, recalling the moment she spent examining the wolf's legs after discovering a ball-like lump on one of it's feet. It quickly led to her discovering of the animal's gender in no time. "..At least now I won't have to call you an it.. but, not that it matters anyway" She paused for a moment, turning away to grab a small wooden bowl. Filled with what looked to be a greenish-yellow liquid. "Not like you can understand anything I'm saying.."

He felt an eye twitch. This woman had seen his.. ..He cringed at the thought. Regardless of being a male, he found that notion incredibly awkward. He gave a short inward sigh. For her sake, he decided it'd be best not to reveal the fact he could understand every word that came out of her mouth. Instead, he merely thanked the heavens for bestowing him unconsciousness.. truly thankful. Not to mention the whole being alive part. That was great too.

Before he could even begin to access his own situation, a bowl had nearly been shoved in front of his face. He blinked in surprise, eyeing it in confusion. This hadn't been meant for him.. had it? With a raised brow he curiously sniffed the contents of the bowl. Despite its awful appearance, it did have a rather decent scent. It smelled of the earth, plants and vegetables from the ground of which he'd never eaten the likes of before. Not that he really planned to start now. He was a wolf, and wolves ate meat. Not soup and certainly not plants. He grumbled to himself.

"Hrm.." The woman groaned in disappointment at the wolf's reaction. "I knew you wouldn't want to try it.. but I hope you will" She pleaded him, resting her hand back atop of his head, stroking his ears as if to coax him. "I love animals too much to even think of killing them.. so I couldn't get meat for you.. though this soup is full medicine - it will soothe your pain and give you much needed strength so you can recover" She added with a soft smile. "I Promise"

His eyes left her gaze, all the while she spoke he could feel the tenderness in her voice. She truly wished to help him, a mere animal. With that look on her face, he felt he couldn't refuse. Just this once.. He sighed, dipping his snout into the bowl to drink the warm liquid. He hesitated at first, wincing in anticipation as he expected a fowl taste. Yet it was the exact opposite. The soup tasted strongly of vegetables and nuts, a delightfully earthy taste that completely masked any medicinal herbs she may have put in. He was surprised to say the least. In fact, he wouldn't mind drinking any mysterious liquid the woman provided him after all.

He heard her giggling softly.

She hadn't expected him to even try it let alone drink it all down. It was wonderful! If he kept up being this well behaved then he'd have no trouble eventually leaving her home on his own. Her heart swelled with happiness as she smiled wide from ear to ear. Few moments later, she picked herself up from the floor to give the wolf some space. Doing so immediately caught his attention. He watched her out of the corner of his eye curiously. Her standing tall at a distance gave him a better view of her entire body. He couldn't help as to stare.. She was lovely and pleasing to the eye, including her voice which had been soothing and harmonious to him.

He was surprised though, the woman didn't look the part of a forest dweller, to be living out in the wilderness like this. Too refined and delicate looking, not to mention her style of attire and the way she kept her hair. Instead, he assumed she was some kind of princess, a person of royalty. Her steps were quiet, soft, with graceful movements. The more she moved around the room the more he couldn't keep his eyes off her. What struck him the most was her hair - stark white as the moon. Clearly she was no human, that much he could tell. Then what was she? Why did she live here by her lonesome? Questions he desired to ask but knew he couldn't, least not for some time.

While he pondered over these thoughts, the woman knelt near a small shelf by the entrance of the home. Having looked at his surroundings he discovered the home was a small wooden hut fit for a single person. He watched in curiosity as she slowly pulled out a little bundle of light gray fur - a rabbit. His eyes widened at the sight of the prey, huffing in excitement. Oh how he so badly wished to pounce the little meat-sack and tear its body to shreds.. he could of surely done with some meat at that moment.

As if sensing the his thoughts, the rabbit sat up on its haunches and sniffed the air. In doing so, the wolf was soon met with the gaze of both a frightened meal and a not-so-amused woman. She shot him a stern glare with narrowed eyes.

"Don't even think about it" She warned him, defensively holding the rabbit against her chest. Making it clear she had no intentions of letting him kill it, let alone be let near it.

He grumbled in response, finishing off the last of his liquid meal. Damn it all. Here he was, hoping he'd get some real food after all. But no. His body had been bound with bandages, his back in disarray. It would be at least a few days before he could move on his own without being in pain. Thus, there would be no rabbit meat for him. No matter how incredibly delicious the one across the room looked. He sighed in defeat. The days ahead would be torturous..

The following day begun much like the previous. Once again he was presented his meal of medicinal, vegetable soup. The taste of which remained the same thankfully. Not to mention, after just one night his body felt much more relieved. His chest no longer ached or felt constricted, he could breathe normally. Once fully healed he would be sure to express his gratitude to the young woman, over looking how much it tortures him to watch her tend to small prey animals. Such as the rabbit.

In the opposite corner of the room sat the woman, holding her rabbit in her lap with a carrot in hand. How the wolf loathed that rabbit. In just one day and it became an abhorrent nuisance - a thorn in his side. He hated looking at it. He wanted to kill it. Yet the girl continuously cared for and stroked it ever so lovingly. He couldn't understand. It needed to die. Though much as the wolf hated to admit it, the girl was his savior, and showing any kind of gratitude doesn't first start with the disembowelment of her pet. The action wouldn't have exactly been smiled upon. All he could do was silently wish for the rabbit's 'unfortunate' death. Then again, why did it even bother him in the slightest if the girl gave her affection to a lowly meat-sack?

There didn't seem to be an answer for that.

"Oh, are you finished?" She called out to him, at the same time, setting down the small rabbit with a few carrots for it to munch on quietly. She approached him with her usual silent steps, taking the empty bowl in front of him away in her hands and setting it elsewhere. Forgetting all about the rabbit, the wolf lifted his gaze. All his attention focused on her, his eyes following her slender hand as it made contact with his head, petting him. Since the day before, he had never known the touch of another quite like this. Not wanting to admit it, the petting became quite enjoyable. Despite being fully aware he was perceived as just an animal in her eyes. He wasn't a dog, nor would he act like one. Though it wouldn't mean he couldn't enjoy the attention in silence..

"Glad to see you're getting better," She began, slowly taking a seat beside the wolf. She had given him his own futon to lay on, including a small bowl of water that sat nearby for him to have a drink whenever he needed it. "Your bandages aren't soaking with blood as fast, so I think that's a good sign" She beamed at him.

The wolf rested his head down against the fabric, closing his eyes while she continued to tend to him. He enjoyed listening to her speak, it filled him with warmth. A warmth he couldn't really explain. Every touch seemed to put him at ease.. and with such a lovely tranquil demeanor she possessed, he was already growing fond of it. Taking a silent breath without her noticing, he inhaled her scent. For some odd reason, he wished to remember it.

To remember the one who preserved my life..

Pure lilac - a new favorite.


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Points: 298
Reviews: 4

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Fri Jan 08, 2016 1:12 am
LightningExodus says...



Whoa this is an amazing story! I can't wait to read chapter 2.




Nommie says...


Sorry for the delayed response, but thank you!
Glad you like it :3



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Reviews: 277

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Fri Jan 08, 2016 12:22 am
Charm wrote a review...



Hi!
My name is Rachel, but most people call me Mad.
Welcome to YWS. :)

#8000BF ">Plot, Pace and Point of View

She lifted the hem of her long kimono

I found it confusing to figure out the setting. I get that it is in Japan but I confused at which season it is. At first I thought it was winter but then I thought it was summer. When you used kimono instead of yukata I understood that you meant winter not summer. But if it is summer or spring use yukata instead of kimono.
Spoiler! :
She lifted the hem of her long yukata

Also apples are a fall fruit so that also confuses me.
I found it very confusing to read.
Then again, why did it even bother him in the slightest if the girl gave her affection to a lowly meat-sack?

You moving really fast in this love relationship. Why is her already jealous and of a rabbit?

#8000BF ">Characters and Dialogue
In her mind, all lives were precious.

I liked how you put this is the story effortlessly. I know a lot of writers find it hard to add personality to their characters.
The dialogue doesn't seem realistic.

#8000BF ">Grammar
The mass of nightmare

I found this sounded weird. Maybe pluralizing nightmare will make it sound better.
Spoiler! :
The mass of nightmares

It needed to escape, find a place to hide from the world lest it suffer a fate worse than death.

I found this sentence confusing.
Spoiler! :
It needed to escape, find a place to hide from the world lest it suffer a fate worse than death.

It needed solace. It needed it now.

I think you should connect these two sentences.
Spoiler! :
It needed solace and it needed it now.

Creeping along the outline of its vision - a creature.

This sounds weird. I think it's missing the word 'was'.
Spoiler! :
Creeping along the outline of its vision was a creature.

Where was this?

This questions makes no sense
Its vision became too blurred, legs wobbled as they weakened.

I see two things that are 'wrong' with this sentence. I don't like to use the word wrong when reviewing because I don't believe things can be wrong in creative writing. The first thing is that you need a second 'its'. The second thing is 'legs wobbled as they weakened' doesn't not sound good. The second thing isn't wrong I just think the way I rewrote it, it sounds better. It's your choice whether to change it or not
Spoiler! :
Its vision became too blurred, its legs wobbled weakly.

Would this be how it died? It pondered.

If your character is thinking you should write it like dialogue and initialize it.
Spoiler! :
Would this be how I die? the creature pondered.

Weird Sounding Sentences
Surprising enough to her - it were still breathing!

Using wrong word.
Spoiler! :
Surprising enough to her - it was still breathing!

She added with a soft smile. "I Promise"

Promise should not be capitalized.
Spoiler! :
She added with a soft smile. "I promise"

Weird Sentences
You seem to have a lot of them so I stopped fixing them.
Dark thoughts soon ground to a halt.

Despite the severity of it's wounds, at least she judged from her distance.

Within moments she arrived at the creature's side - and in full view of all it's injuries.

Unconsciously the woman traced a few digits over the wolf's head, only for her to immediately pull them back.

Not while she was around!

It heard not the voice of a woman, but the sound of summer rain. The rustling of autumn leaves and it felt it, which unknowingly brought it comfort.

Why did she live here by her lonesome?

over looking how much it tortures him to watch her tend to small prey animals.

I've noticed that you don't put a full ellipsis when you are writing. You only put two '..' instead of a full one '...'
When you are changing from character to character you have to show a sign of changing. For example skipping three lines or so before writing as a different character. When you did not do this I found it confusing because one sentence we were reading about the woman and the next about the wolf.

#8000BF ">Advice and Suggestions
You seem to be a little too creative with how you word your sentences. You are probably thinking: "How is that a problem?" and my answer is that it is not. The problem is the fact that I have to constantly stop reading to try and figure out what you meant. I don't know if you are trying to use more imagery but the way you are writing your sentences makes it hard for me to get pulled into the story. This makes me wonder if this is YA, A or teen fiction.




Nommie says...


Oh wow, and thank you first of all.

Seems like all this time I've been blinded by my own passion for imagery, that I never caught on to all the weird sentences I make. Though I'm glad I see it now and I'll be combing through it again~



Charm says...


Your welcome. i'm glad I could help :)



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Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:42 pm
micamouth wrote a review...



Hi there, Nommie! I’m Sagitta, but you can call me Sagi. I see you’re new to YWS - welcome! I believe I am your first reviewer, and I’m honoured!

Now, this chapter interested me. You did a lot of good things here - pleasing description, an intriguing mini-plot, and strange and interesting characters. I’ll go into more detail about each of these things in the following sections.

Plot

Spoiler! :
The plot of this chapter interested me from the beginning. Why is this wolf, a mighty hunter, in such bad shape? There could be many reasons for this, from what your chapter tells the reader - it is a lone wolf, making it more likely that it would be attacked. From what your story tells us so far, it’s set in Japan - presumably late 19th century, the end of the Edo period, and possibly the beginning of the Meiji period. I could be wrong, very wrong, but that’s what I’m getting from your story. Am I correct?

The plot you’ve incorporated into this chapter has a sense of mystery, which (I’m assuming) will continue into future chapters. I have a feeling that you’ve dropped some clues in this chapter too - we’ll all be kicking ourselves later!


Characters

Spoiler! :
This is where I wanted to nitpick. Your characters are very interesting - you’ve grabbed my attention with the coral-eyed girl and the beaten wolf. However, there are some things that don’t make sense to me.
"I hope you're feeling better?" She asked it softly, running her fingers through its fur.


Why did the woman touch the wolf?
To be quite honest, I don’t know many people who would touch an injured wild animal, let alone pick it up as the lady did earlier. I think the most I personally would have done is tried to find help, but this woman seems to live on her own. Perhaps a more realistic reaction would be to try and see if it will eat. Touching an injured animal is generally a bad idea.
Also, why didn’t the wolf lash out more?
This wolf does not know the woman, nor is it a dog. It’s injured, which means it will be very aggressive towards pretty much anything that moves. The very least I was expecting was a snarl.


Grammar and Bits

Spoiler! :
Creeping along the outline of its vision - a creature.


You seem to have cut off the sentence here, making it sound awkward. I’d suggest replacing the dash with ‘was’.

Its entire body shuddered in agony as it were barely able to stand.


You’ve done this a few times through this chapter, but I’ll only point it out once.
‘Were’ is only used when your writing is in the past tense and the subject is plural. There is only one wolf that you’re talking about. Therefore, the ‘were’ should be a ‘was’.

Before he could even begin to access his own situation, the bowl was suddenly placed in front of his face.


This is something I’m guilty of doing too!
Avoid using ‘suddenly’! I know it’s tempting, but ‘suddenly’ is overused. You’ve even put a replacement at the start of your sentence - you don’t need a ‘suddenly’ too.


Overall, an engaging chapter. You’ve got me hooked, so I’m going to be reading more of White Bird as you publish it! Good luck, Nommie!

- Sagi




Nommie says...


Thanks a ton for the review! ^^
I'll respond to each section individually <3

Plot: You're very correct! I'm glad my minor hints towards this came across alright. I'm against dropping 'info' bombs if at all.

Characters: This one is a little bit hard to explain but it is a fantasy and I knew my choice regarding this didn't need to make 100% sense. Though after having brought this up, I realize I probably should dish in a few more of my hints as to why she touches with little fear. As for the wolf not acting like an actual wolf.. well, I figured to not touch that one.

The reason for his behavior becomes very apparent very soon.

Grammar: Thank you for that! I have some bad habits with dashes, commonly mixing past/present tense regardless of things being singular or plural. Suddenly is a habit too! xD lol

But thank you again, I haven't written in a year so hopefully this will get me back into the groove of things. <3

Glad you've enjoyed the story thus far! ^^



micamouth says...


I'll be reviewing chapter 2 soon, methinks! Ah, I see. Is he not a wolf? ;)

I found YWS very useful to get back into writing - the whole community is very supportive and friendly. You'll settle in well!



Nommie says...


Perhaps. >u> lol

And yeah, that's what I've noticed so far. I'm lovin it! xD




You'd better wise up, Pony... you get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you, man.
— Dallas Winston, The Outsiders