Kiss me once; hurt me twice.
Just one time
And I’ll be okay.
One kiss and it’ll be over
At least, for you.
End my wanting.
End my hopes.
End my life.
Before you do as you please,
Let me give you my heart.
Then you could kill my being
Or rip me into fragments and parts.
If you ever knew how much I love you,
I know you’d just walk away hating me.
Come on baby,
Kiss me once; hurt me twice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Someone once said, if a poem only has three good lines, it should only be three lines long.
I think the repeated End my... is filler. It adds nothing to the poem. Overall, I found this poem ambiguous and difficult to understand. You also do not need to say both fragments and parts; you already said fragments, leaving parts somewhat superfluous. Having said that, I think you could improve this piece if you make yourself a little clearer. I found the title intriguing. What is it that you really want to tell us? Good luck.
It sounds more like a song, yeah. I think you could do some things to make it more poetic, though.
Firstly, nit-picking
Should be a comma in there instead of a semicolon.
What this sounds like is just plain dialogue you'd say to anyone in everyday life. Poetry is about concentrated, special words.
A lot of your words, such as "end my life", "kill my being" and "rip" are overdramatic words that bog your poetry down. You have to let your lines breathe. Heavy words don't make good poetry.
I'd say the content is fine, but you need a more original, poetic way to express it.
It does sound more like a song.
And, honestly, it's not something I haven't heard before.
You should continue to revise it (hoping and assuming that you did that at least once already) and make it more unique.
It does have potential.
Kiss me once; hurt me twice.
Keep writing!
Just one time
And I’ll be okay.
One kiss and it’ll be over
At least, for you. - Ugh. Bastard.
End my wanting.
End my hopes.
End my life. - So dramatic! Gripping! Good job!
Before you do as you please,
Let me give you my heart.
Then you could kill my being
Or rip me into fragments and parts. - This stanza is confusing. Give you my heart.. then you can kill me but I won't be heartbroken in the process?
If you ever knew how much I love you,
I know you’d just walk away hating me. - Again - B******. I don't even know if this guy exists and I already hate his guts.
Come on baby,
Kiss me once; hurt me twice.
Great poem - your a good writer. There is room for improvement, but you did a good job as is.
(EDIT FROM MATT BELLAMY: Censored your curse word, please refrain from swearing outside literature pieces. Thanks.
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NocturnalSupremacy92--
Bad ideas:
1. Rhyming incorrectly.
2. The unspecified wanting/hope/desire in S2.
3. All of S3 and S4.
4. Repeating the first line at the end.
Good ideas:
1. Forget you wrote this and try something else.
Best,
Brad
Hello there! I see you're new. Welcome to YWS! Before I begin, let me suggest you post in the Welcome forum to say hello to everyone, and that you read the rules so that you know the policies here. I'd also like to remind you that YWS has a 2:1 policy. This means that for every one piece of work you post, you should critique two things. Help spread the joy of receiving critiques! ^_^
Are these song lyrics? They seem more in that structure...
Every stanza seems to be about something new. Normally, that's cool, because then the poem doesn't get hung up in the doldrums of the first stanza and instead progresses through to the end. Here, however, instead of things being linear and running into each other, it's like each stanza is bouncing through a pinball machine.
Every part contradicts itself and the others, hinging on the "deep-sounding" title line. This is a typical poem about being hurt by someone, but wanting them to keep hurting you anyway. Where this fails is that there is nothing new to it. What does it all ultimately mean? Are you just reiterating what you know to be true, or are you trying to expand the collective knowledge on this subject, give a new way of looking at things so that between all the knowledge, people will eventually know? Are you sure that even you know what you're trying to say?