I rewrote this story because my first work had loads of mistakes. Still I know I can write well and again I will have the same problem with tenses. Is not all my work because I don't have the time to finish it. I hope this story is better enjoy.
I remember the time, when my father told me a story forgotten by humans and vampires. A long time ago when humans lived in peace and harmony, when man didn't create technology and catastrophic weapons, when the honor was to fight and die for your king, your freedom, your family. It was the time when vampires first appeared to this cursed world.
My father told me he was send by his king with some soldiers to a far land for some search. Ten days took for my father and other soldiers to find that land and when the have found it, something happened. One morning they woke up and one soldier was missing, they were searching for hours but the couldn't find him and he other day another man had disappeared.
The other soldiers were so scared and left my father alone at the dark night.
So one night he sat down near a river. He was hearing some noises behind the trees, of course he was scared because he was human, pull his sword and waited for some moving, when he felt safe he sat down and then it happened, something grab him form his neck and rise him up, my father never seen someone with such power.
"How are you?" My father asked.
"Your worst nightmare."The man said and he bit him in the neck, he told me that he felt his live living his body.The man finished drinking my fathers blood and threw him at the river.My father was feeling dizzy and he was shaking by the cold. When he woke up,he was in a small village laying in a bed,he tried to stand up but he was to weak and thirsty. The door of his room opened and a young girl came in.
"Are you all right brave soldier?" The young girl asked.
"What happened?"My father asked.
"Someone have brought you here,he said you were weak and badly hurted."The girl said.At the time the young girl came close to my father he could smell something wonderful, something inside him pulled him of the bed,he crabbed the girl and bitten her in her neck.
He didn't know why but he was feeling stronger and stronger when he drank from the girls blood and when he finished he left the girl.
"What I have done?What I am?" My father said he took a cloak and left the village as fast as he could. He didn't know where to go,he was afraid of his own self. So he went back at this land.He followed the river and he made to go there at night.
"Where are you?".My father whispered.The only thing my father only heard the blowing of the wind and the leaf of trees falling to the ground.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okey dokey. Uh, I reviewed the first thing you did, and I do have to agree with Giraffe. Why post a completely different story? Anyhoo, I'm just going to review the story you have reposted.
You kind of don't make sense with the 'A long time ago... when the honor was to fight and die for your king...' part, because it just doesn't complete. Its not good grammar, and a little annoying, like if someone was talking about all the trimmings of their cup of coffee, and forgot to tell you whether they wanted instant or ground. So instead of that, how about:
See? That looks a little neater, and less run-on.
OK, here, I dislike the dialogue. 'Your worst nightmare' just doesn't appeal to me; its too cliched. And there's some grammatical errors. So here's my revision:
All in all, I'm not sure where you're going with this. The narrator's daddy's a vampire? There's some kind of war going on? Wha-?
Uh, did you just edit your original post to a completely different story? yeah, you have to post again, or people will get confused and your new story will stay at the back of the forum, instead of at the front page...
Also, did you do this to get out of writing another two reviews!?
-_- not cool...
Hey!
I am Incognito and I am going to review your story today. Mind though, I am too lazy to read the other reviewers nit-picks so you may get some repeats. Please don’t mind those.
Okay! Well, shall we begin?
I. Nit-Picking
~This is the very fist thing. You have the right idea about this whole thing. You want to learn from mistakes, and you will listen to criticism to become better. I believe that is a very good trait to have. Just to remind you though, just because someone gives you a harsh review, don’t think your writing is horrible. Nothing is perfect. You get the really amazing writers on here getting people shredding their stories. Don’t worry as much about what we will think of it, but think more of writing for yourself.
~And also, make sure you have a break between your author’s note and the actual story. I was confused for a second there. xD
~Okay, through out your whole piece, you have problems with tenses. I will talk to you about that in Writing Format so make sure you read it. You need to fix that up guaranteed.
~This is much of a great hook. You need to make sure the reader gets right into your story. You have a lot of explaining in the beginning. In the beginning of stories, it is vital to either get into describing the setting, or have some kind of action, or dialogue. There is always room for explaining later.
A great page to reference to is this for beginning hooks. Rosey is a great person, and really smart to. This is one of my favourite posts to reference to when I am trying to start a story effectively.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic46030.html
~I don’t like how you started describing him right off the bat. You can get a few fragments of what his appearance looks like, but do not fully describe him because it makes an info dump. I will help you out with this in Character Development. But at this moment in time, try to get the reader more into it by added a sense of mystery about, just who this character is.
~I don’t really like this part. It is mostly because I don’t really like the whole ‘woe is me’ kind of feel of it. He would know how to love. It shows in the rest of the story. He loved that one girl, whose name I have forgotten at this moment in time. You have to make sure that you don’t over do it and make the reader detest your character rather then like him.
~Then the next thing, you are saying that he feels so lonely because he didn’t have any friends. That is understandable, but he is causing this on himself. He is causing himself this pain. I don’t like how he is getting more lonely. I think it would make it more effective if the pain was dulling, that he did not notice it anymore. He did not know that he was living anymore. Then another thing is that I believe he should not try to get himself with that other girl. I believe he should try to keep her away, that he didn’t want her to be around or else she would get hurt. Try to get the feeling that he has been like this a while. That would be a lot more effective.
~My last comment is that I am unsure on how he can grow up? I thought vampires were frozen in time. Unless it is different, and you want it to be that, I believe you should make sure that is clear. I believe it would be better if he never aged. That way, you could get a better feeling of self loss, and ho he forgot what it was like to really be happy anymore, what it was like to love, and what it was like to feel.
One thing you need to make sure of. I am not sure if Finland is cold in the summer. That is just me. I have not been in Finland before. I would have chosen a more obvious place like Greenland. It is always cold in Greenland. xD
~So he only would love her for a day? Wouldn’t he want to hold her in his arms forever? Wouldn’t he never want to leave her side? I believe you should make this sound better by making it sound more romantic. And make the time span longer then the end of the day.
~This barely makes any sense. I would make sure that he was daydreaming very clear or else you will get the reader incredibly confused. Make him visualize more. How he wants to love her, how happy they would be, what it would be like to actually smile. Then you should make the transition very slow until he bites into her neck.
~I don’t like this reference. When you say it wasn’t pretty, I think of it more like it was humorous. I would like you to try for sad, for hurt. Make him try to smile and fail, describe it, and how he has downcast eyes. Make the readers sympathize with the character and when you use humor in that way, it doesn’t work.
~How come the class was always empty? Kids have to learn in it right? I would make it clear that he went there early. Then it would make a lot more sense. Maybe make him walk through empty halls. Give it the feeling of isolation. And when he sits in that desk, looking at the kids through the windows, you can really get the feeling that he is alone and there is nobody else there.
~Why couldn’t the kid just check the number from the outside of the door?
~Okay, if I was a werewolf, I would try to keep it secret. Not display it right them and there. I don’t think a werewolf would just get up and start sniffing around like their wolf form. Nu-uh. Try to make it more natural. Give it some conversation, make the boy look around, crinkle his nose a couple time. Then when he has figured it out, make him turn on Ebony.
~Okay, I would be a bit more creative with the description of a werewolf. Are you saying that the only thing that changes is that his teeth grow longer, ears grow pointier, and nails elongate? Wouldn’t there be some furriness, more wolf-ness? Be creative with your creatures. Make them yours, but add more details to a wolf than just that.
~Okay, this confuses me because you just said that the kid was attacking Ebony. What I would do is make sure you have clearly what happened. It is necessary to do so or else you will lose your readers. It is very easy to confuse people with words, and there can be a lot of time wasted reading over something that they stumbled over because it didn’t make sense. I recommend to read through your story and to make sure that all your thoughts are down.
II. Grammar and Punctuation
I commend you for actually trying to write out the number, but you spelt it wrong. It shouldn’t actually be two words. It should actually be ‘fifteen’. It is a simple mistake and a nice and easy one to fix.
First off, I believe this would sound a lot better if it was ‘dark grey’. That way it makes a little more sense. You can describe a cloud as dark, but when you add grey to it, it off sets it because you should have described the shade of grey first.
Secondly, when you used more then one adjective, and I recommend not to use more then two at most, you have to put a comma behind the adjectives that are not directly connected to the word and are before. In this case it would be: ‘grey, dark clouds’
Add that comma after shiny.
This sentence doesn’t make quite as much sense. I think it is mainly because of the ‘of’. I am going to try to reword it, and I recommend you change it to something that resembles it.
‘He was afraid that his thirst of blood would drive him mad’
To make this make sense, you have to change ;over’ to ‘other’.
This is one massive sentence, and it is barely making much sense any more. I recommend that you actually try to fix this up and make it into more then one sentence. Here is what I would recommend to do:
‘He was afraid that his thirst of blood would drive him mad and he would attack the other children. Every year he was feeling lonelier and lonelier, simply because he could not afford to have friends. He didn’t know how to love, how to be happy, and how it was to feel.’
Do not over use punctuation. Just make it one exclamation point. Then make sure you have that space in between. ***
The ‘a’ after ‘turned’ should actually be ‘and’. Then you have to have a comma after ‘short’.
To make this line make sense you have to add a ‘to’ after ‘Rose’.
This should be ‘caught up’.
This should actually be two sentences. The fragments aren’t that closely related. Just change the comma to a period.
Make sure your ‘I’s’ are capitalized. ***
I think it would sound better if you said ‘in’ instead of ‘at’.
You need a comma after ‘neck’.
It should just be ‘reasons’ because your word shouldn’t be possessive. ***
I believe this should be two sentences. It would sound more natural. Just change the comma to a period and capitalize ‘after’.
This would be better to be two sentences because it just runs together. Or at least add a comma. Add it after ‘himself’ or add the period after ‘himself’ also.
I believe you meant ‘gently’.
It should be ‘walked’. ***
This shouldn’t be possessive. It would just be ‘students’.
I believe this would be better two sentences again, because it is running together. Then ‘been’ should actually be ‘being’.
This barely makes any sense. First the boy is standing, now he is sitting in a chair. I recommend fixing that. Be creative. This time, it is your full reign. xD
Okay first off, I recommend fixing that to ‘nails’. Then you need to add a comma after it because you are listing something.
Make sure you have that space after the comma. ***
‘Vampire’ should not be capitalized because it is not a proper noun. ***
***Dialogue Punctuation
Okay, through out this section you would have noticed my three stars. All those things had a problem with dialogue punctuation. I do not think you know how to properly punctuate dialogue. I am going to help you out here.
Most of the time in dialogue, the dialogue ends with a comma.
I used this as an example because it shows exactly what you have to do. The reason why you have to have the comma is because ‘said’ is describing how ‘hello’ is said. Hence why there is a comma and the ‘s’ in she is not capitalized.
That is the main one I picked you up on. So I would recommend you fixing it up. Though here is the some examples and reasons why you have to fix them or not fix them at all written by one of our own YWS users.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic41705.html
There is a lot of rules for punctuating dialogue, so I recommend you check it out and read it through a couple times. Then you will fully understand it.
Overall
You have alright grammar and punctuation. I believe that you could make it a lot better by just reading through it a couple times. Proofreading is a necessary part of writing no matter how uneventful it really is. I believe that you could pick up half the mistakes you made here by your self. Also remember to split some of those sentences up.
III. Character Development
Okay, one thing I noticed with your characters was that there was barely anything behind them. You have to make your characters as realistic as possible, and that means you have to give them different personalities and odd quirks. You wrote this in third person, so it is harder to get the main characters thoughts on the matter. But it is something you need to work on.
In the story, you have Ebony. You have some good qualities in there, some things that are different, like how he can’t smile, or love. He doesn’t have many friends. But you can probably find a character like that in every story. Find things you can add to make him something different. And how to add those characteristics can also be tricky. Characteristics are displayed in actions and thoughts. How you describe the actions can get the traits right across. Some adjectives are perfect for this. What I recommend doing is create random character profiles, or write stories based on just one character and play around with it. Find a way to make them different.
Another comment I have about your characters is how you described them. As soon as you introduced them you described them. That isn’t a total bad thing, but it can be a put off for the reader because you are slightly info dumping. Info dumping is something you have to try to stay away from as much as possible. I will get more into that with Writing Format. So how do you describe your characters then? Quite easily actually. All you have to do is describe the actions enough to get the appearance in there. But you can’t over do it. Something which I have a problem with. So you have to mix up the adjectives to both describe the actions to get characteristics and appearances. It is tricky, but once you get the hang of it, it can all be pieced together like a puzzle. Here is my example that you can reference to if you wish:
That was a random description I made up of Lestat from the vampire chronicles. The way I wrote that, I tried to get as much description as a could without over doing it. I may have, but that doesn’t matter right now. First off, you can identify that he thinks of himself higher then the narrator, as shown by how he looked down at her. It was even described as arrogant. You can instantly see that the vampire thinks himself better then everyone else. Then for appearance, you can already pull out that he has beautiful blonde hair, blue eyes, wearing a red cloak, and has fangs. It is quite simple once you get the hang of it.
Just work on that for a bit, and I believe your characters could be portrayed brilliantly.
IV. Writing Format
Okay, the first thing I have to talk about is your tenses. Your whole entire story was written in a jumble of all the tenses. You have to be very careful. As soon as you choose a tense, you have to stick with it. Of course, if you are having trouble with it, I have a link for you here that you can reference off of.
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art51567.asp
Now because I understand how you could still be confused, I will go through your story and set it to one tense if you really want it done. Just PM me. I would love to help you, after all, that is what I do. I do recommend you do so, so that you can get a better grip on all of it.
Another thing you have to make sure is that you describe the setting well. You have to make sure the setting is known and described well enough. You have gotten it started. You are good at making sure the setting is known, you just have to describe it more and make sure that it is clear. And again, you should not info dump here. It is a problem. Don’t load us with a whole assortment of information before you get the point across. Blend it in like how you would blend in the characteristics and the appearance of the character. Remember, setting includes the time, place, and atmosphere. Make sure the time of day, or actual day, or any of that is known, and then you need to also make sure the place is known also. The atmosphere is with the feel the setting gives. You need to make sure that your setting gives a feeling to the reader, and then your story would get more intricate and believable. Like a dark alley gives the reader a sense of isolation and foreboding. A happy meadow gives the feeling of freedom, and security.
Now time for my ramble on info dumping. You had slight info dumping in the beginning. It wasn’t a severe case, but it was noticeable. Info dumping is when you have an overload of information added. In this case your info dumping was the history of your character. Stay away from that. Reveal it slowly and over time through out the course of the story. Don’t have all the information in one part. And get rid of the information you don’t need. It just takes up space, and can loose the readers attention. Remember to stay away from that.
My last comment is about is about showing and not telling. Your whole entire story was mostly telling. You need to make sure you describe more. I am sure you have heard it before, and because I am too lazy to explain it, I am going to give you another link to help you out. xD
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic41426.html
Here you go. This article is something that I believe is quite helpful, and I am sure it will help you out a lot. It helped out me too when I first joined and even a couple months after.
V. Overall
Your story is quite interesting. I believe it has a lot of potential and I think you have a great chance with it. One thing for sure is that I believe this should be in Fantasy writing, not Other fiction. Your story is quite fantasy.
Now I am used to this whole vampire versus werewolf deal and the one thing I want you to make sure of is to make this your own, and nobody else’s. Make it creative, daring, do things nobody has ever done before. High school vampires for sure have been over done. What I suggest is to try to make the creatures your own. Make the vampires unique. Make them want to drink blood because that is a traditional kind of thing, but give them quirks, make them look different. Venture off and have fun with it. It is the same with werewolves. You should make them awesome, something different and never seen before. I myself am writing a story with werewolves, and I am trying my hardest to make them different. And they have become quite something. xD
You also need to make sure your plot is different then all others. There is always the slight romance with the characters in very story, but the love is always forbidden in some way. Make it different. Make it forbidden for some other reason. Add different conflicts in the story to make it something awesome. Right now your story seems awfully flat to me. It has its potential, but I believe it could be so much better.
Now make sure you have your issues fixed out, especially the tenses. Remember, PM me if you want me to do a run through and correct it all. I never touched any of it this time.
Actually, feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Keep writing, and I hope to see more of your work.
~Incognito
Can I just say that all the names sound really, really cliched? I'm sorry, but I find fault with names that illustrate who the person is; its like their parents had, via psychic powers, discovered what they'd look like, who they are, etc.
.
Ebony Cross - This I dislike because, to be honest, all vampires seem to have names like this. I mean, why is there never a vampire called Dan? Or Bob? Or Muhammed? Who says they all have to be white? Who says they all have to angst like a whiny emo kid? ETC.
Rose Valentine - Its a little too coincidental that she happens to be the vampires crush, with the name 'Valentine'. Why not, say, Jenkins? Or Smith? Or Freeman? Also, Rose is too... eh for a girl with red hair.
Also, I found you told, rather than showed. For example, you'd always tell us immediately that Ebony's a vamp. Well, why not give it some time to develop? Like, for example, he's walking with Rose, as the slightly nerdy kid following the hot cheerleader or sommat, and then, bam, new kid in front of him, starting to flirt a little with Rose. He gets 'da rage' and throws a punch that makes new kid fly, smashing the wall. New kid gets up, and they split into mega fight! Before one of them accidently kills Rose
Also, why are werewolves and vampires enemies? Give more background on this; I mean, I always like my scenario:
'A vampire and werewolf were having a block party, with their vampire and werewolf chums. One of the vamps, drunk as a fish, starts to mock a werewolf, also tight, that vampires are the most loved supernatural characters. And the werewolf punched him in da face! Ooh, and they feuded ever since the block party.'
Yeah, its not all that exciting, but at least its different from 'They just are, K?'.
I'm confused about the tenses...
Ok... if its following the tense set with 'attacked' then it should be Jumped, kicked and threw, I'm sure you can find them in the paragraph
I feel the only way to express my feelings about this is to rant a little...
Ebony is a girls name, apparently he's as strong as a bull or very strong but not as strong as a wolf (bulls are stronger than wolves). Theres a battle going on it the hallway but noone seems to notice, they engage in the fight too soon, he should see him around, acting curiously and wolfishly before they meet, after school in the woods maybe? Overall, I find this story to be very cliché (don't blame me blame S.M for making vampires with emotions lame) You know, like the vampire who doesn't know if he can control himself who's in love with a human girl, but OH NO theres a werewolf there =[.
If you can make your story stand out from the crowd of vampire love stories that i am drowning in at the moment then it will be a good read.
I hope you learned something and I'm sorry if i seemed too harsh =I
-GreenGiraffe
One big error in your writing : ]
You "TELL" alot, start to "SHOW" more.
- Ebony at first didn't want to talk but he couldn't resist to talk to Rose.
- Ebony looked at her smiley face, he wanted so much to kiss her, hug her till the end of the day.
You can get away with it in certain parts - but it's overdone. Adapt them so that they start to describe his physicality - thats an easy way to show - instead of his thoughts.
Hope i helped :]
Lorril.
Hey I'm Phoenix here to give you a review.
I believe fifteen is one word.
I'm starting to notice a pattern of was's. Try to eliminate them and your prose will flow better.
Very awkward paragraph. I think it's because of the tense. You seem to be switching tenses from past to present. For instance didn't is past, the present of that would be doesn't as you did in the next line.
I'm curious as to why you called him Ebony. First of it's generally a girls names, and second it's generally a black name. He is the complete opposite of both. If you do have a specific reason for calling him this, please tell me.
See said is past. While Ebony's reaction is in present.
thirsty
".
walked or walks depending on what tense you choose.
First sentence is a bit awkward should be He went to his class to find it empty as always,"
sat or sits depending on the tense you decide to use.
Why does everything have to shine, Ebony's hair is shiny this boys eyes are shiny. Not to mention if Ebony is the view point character, I doubt he would notice a detail like this.
So I'm guessing he's the werewolf, I think it's a bit direct. Be a little more subtle. The danger part is fine but the sniffing is to on the nose.
"
Ok that's like getting doused with cold water, you're introducing the conflict too soon. If this is planned further then you need to tone it down, If it's just a quick piece you decided to write on a rim then ok. But even then I'd give more space for the reader to speculate.
"What the hell?" Ebony said and the new student attacked him, he was to fast and Ebony couldn't stop him.
I'm aware the room is empty but generally people pass by rooms in the hall. I find it hard to believe that no one notices a fight between two magical creatures.
"You are weak,you are not a vampire." The new student said laughing. Ebony stood up and look at the strange boy.
Ok it has potential if you clean up you tenses. Also if you stretch out your story a bit. Like I said, it happens to quick. One page in and the two are already fighting. I barely know anything about Ebony so I don't really care that he could be killed by this werewolf. Take some time to explore his character some more.
But like I said it has potential, and is a good start. PM me if you have any questions.