~Chapter 1~
The school bell rings out, echoing through the empty halls of Orangebrook high school. All of the students and teachers are in their respective classes, packed and ready to go. All present except for Skylar Ward, walking briskly through the halls, silent aside from the occasional sniffle. She pauses outside the bathrooms, considering hiding in a stall for a moment before opting for the janitorial closet just a few doors down.
Skylar slides into the little closet full of cleaning supplies, letting the door slam behind her as the tears fall from her cheeks. She feels the door handle for a lock, but finds none on the smooth metal surface. With an exasperated sigh she drops her hand bag, finds the clean rags, and uses one to wipe the tears and smeared make up from her face. As the loud gossiping and laughing of students begin to fill the halls, Skylar presses her back against the door and slides down it to rest on the floor. She buries her face in the thick rag to suppress her sobs as she begins to lose it again.
After what feels like an eternity the noise in the hall slowly comes to a halt. Most of the students have made their way out to the front of the school to take their leave. Skylar finished her sobbing several minutes ago; however she hadn't the motivation to move until now. With the help of a sturdy shelf she rises on weak legs. Shaking a little as she moves she finds a little sink and mirror to clean herself up a with. A glance in the mirror showed her what a mess she had become in just the last twenty minutes. What makeup she hadn't got already with the rag was spotted across her face, while her eyes were red and puffy from the crying. She manages to keep calm as she wets a rag and begins to clean off the makeup revealing a slender and rather pretty face. She reapplies some of the makeup from what she carries in her purse for touching up.
Almost finished with the process and working on brushing her dark, nearly scarlet red hair Skylar feels much calmer. As she brushes down the black tips of her long hair her emotions finally stablilize. She gives a sad sigh, watching herself in the mirror and working the finishing touches as a soft knock at the door makes her jump. She feels herself shaking a little as she slowly opens the door.
“W-Who is it?” Her voice asks a little shakier than she expected.
“Just me, you forgot your book bag.” The familiar voice of her best friend, Jayce Reed, calms her as she quickly opens the door the rest of the way to pull him in. She hugs him tight, her face buried in his shoulder. There’s a pause as the silent seconds circle around them his eyes wide and showing confusion.
"He dumped me..." She finally murmurs quietly in explanation. His hands finally shift to hold her stiffly clearly unfamiliar with comforting hugs.
"I'm sorry..." He responds, uncertain of the situation he walked into.
“I uhm...we should get you home.” He mumbles quietly breaking the silence. With a groan she moves from his shoulder finally collecting herself and looking up to him with mild annoyance.
“I know this was sudden, but please next time don’t ruin the moment.” She says with a sniffle before giving a soft smile and saying quietly. “And...Thanks.”
With that Skylar took her book bag and purse from Jayce, and then took his arm dragging him out of the closet. In a hurry they head straight for the student parking lot, the halls empty and quiet. No other students are in the building and all the orange lockers are wide open and completely empty. As they leave the building, however, more students are hanging around in their cars or nearby chatting. Skylar’s grip on Jayce’s arm tightens and she comes to a dead stop forcing him to do the same.
“What is it?” He asks her quietly trying to find where she is looking.
“My...ex” She murmurs back indicating a guy in a football jacket, clearly a jock, kissing a girl with long blonde hair. Jayce makes the connection immediately a little surprised and then just sighs, knowing that a clean get away is going to be slim to none. They make their way towards the first set of cars walking around the football posse as best they can. The jock Skylar motioned to before didn't even acknowledge their presence. They were home free and standing by their cars, set to hop in and head home when someone passed by pausing in front of her car.
“Hey, ginger you dropped your soul! Oh my bad you don’t have one!” called a wiry kid in rather thick glasses. The jacket he wore showed off the fact that he was in with the football group, despite his body being obviously not trained for sports.
"Well, if it isn't the official bookworm and Jock homework service!" Skylar muttered coldly giving the boy an intense stare. Jayce notices the look and recognizes it as the look he’s only ever seen once. She moves from Jayce to approach the boy in glasses who dared even speak to her at that moment. He’s stuck in place by the intensity of her stare as she stops in front of him. Without a word she takes a subtle stance and brings her fist rocketing forward straight into his stomach. The next instant he’s writhing on the ground gripping his midsection as Skylar returns to Jayce’s side.
"I hate that kid..." She mutters looking up at Jayce's concerned expression.
“I’ll get him to the infirmary, hopefully the nurse is still here...meet you at home?” He asks looking at Skylar worriedly as she rubs her temples.
“Fine...take care of the little worm but you better get home in fifteen minutes tops. I have a headache.” She responds venomously noticing her ex looking that way. She gives a devious little smile and pulls Jayce into a small startling kiss. She then leaves without a word getting into her car and pulling out of the student parking lot.
Jayce blinks in confusion before sighing and moving over to help the unfortunate boy up.
“I would feel bad for you...but honestly you've got to be the biggest idiot I've ever seen.” He mumbled helping the boy walk to the infirmary a hand finding its way to his head. “Ugh, now I have a headache...”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there dec 12 here
First off I like that you jumped into a story in the first chapter it catches the readers eye instead of dragging on about the setting details! Well done! Onw this I would caution you to watch is your tense. I notice that you seem to jump back and forth between present tense and past . Also when she is in the closet you mention that she begins to open the door to see who it is talking to her but she recognizes the voice first. I feel like this would be a good place to described Jayce a bit. Maybe she sees a tuff of hair or a distinguishing mark as she peeks through the crack of the door . Just an idea! Over all I'm excited to see what happens next !
Hi Noaven!

Happy review day!
Of course I had to come and see what you're first chapter as like. I needed to review it today! I am happy to say that I am pleasantly impressed. Yes, there are a few nitpicks to be corrected and some things which might be nice to bring into the novel, but the first chapter is always the hardest and I think you did a good job with it. Especially as this is the first you've written as well! Skylar sounds like an interesting character, but I think my favourite so far is Jayce. I wonder where you will take this story, and I look forward to following it
Either you need to put a comma after the word 'halls' or make the word silent a 'silently' instead. And don't sweat it about mixing up the comma things too much. I am rubbish at dealing with them when I write a lot as well ><
Comma needed after the word bathrooms.
Comma needed after the word tight.
I feel like while she is in the janitor closet it would be the perfect time to start describing her. As she has her head in her hands say how her wispy scarlet hair drifts around her face, shielding it from view, and how her whatever-colour-you-chose eyes seem to harbor an endless amount of tears. That means when you have to go back and tell us about her appearance in the mirror you don't have to repeat too much and we have seen a few things already. Spreading out the description is always more desirable than having it all in one place.
I am also really curious to know how he broke up with her. I feel like the ex has a role in this story, or at least in this chapter, but we don't get to know too much about him. A good idea would be to possibly start with the break up happening between them, throwing us right into the action of the story and also letting us get to see more about what kind of guy her ex is. Is he gentle with her as he breaks it off, rude, or unfeeling? Just by the way he does things we can learn a lot about it.
Also, as Skylar is crying her eyes out I am sure she is thinking about all of the good times she had with her boyfriend. Show us a few of those memories so we get a little taste of how things were when everything was alright. That way the reader gets to judge their relationship and we can see if it really was a good one, or if he was sorta just using her, or just not a good boyfriend at all. It will again show more about his character and a bit about Skylar's as well. Plus, it's simply interesting for the reader to get to know this!
In general, what I am trying to say is that it stinks for us to only hear about the end of the relationship. With the above suggestions we get to see a bit of it ourselves. I also felt like we didn't get to see enough of the ex, so it should give us some more insight and all.
Whenever you're going to use the dots to trail off, make sure there is always three! You use two in the chapter in quite a few places, so make sure you check them all and give them the right number.
Another thing to do with ellipsis endings. When you have it in the middle of the sentence, make sure you have a space after the dots. If you don't, then you're connecting the two words likethis and technically that doesn't make sense. It should be... like this. So just make sure you go through and check for that little nitpick as well :3
Jayce, a supposed best friend, doesn't mind being kissed by Skylar? I have plenty of friendships with guys and I know it would bother me if they were using me to make their exes jealous. And especially if it was just for show. I would just find it... cruel to use someone like that, but Jayce doesn't seem bothered in the slightest by it. I wonder why? Show us more of this thoughts surrounding this.
I don't have much more to say! This was a brilliant beginning and I can't wait for you to write more. When you do post some, stop by my wall and let me know! I will get to it as soon as I can
Deanie x
Honestly a lot of my grammar is played by ear as I'm reading it. I tend to recognize where things sound right or wrong, but commas do get a tad bit complicated. As for leaving details out in several places, my intention is to have a little bit in this chapter and then expand it in Chapter 2. I probably do need more explanation though. I like my characters so far cause my intention was for them to be pretty different in a way that makes them even each other out rather than clash and fight. Skylar is meant to be cold, quick to anger, and impulsive, while Jayce is meant to be patient, apathetic, and supportive. I'm gonna get Chapter 2 out later today as a rough draft similar to this one, i'll see if that evens out the lack of details or if I need to add more to this chapter. Thanks for the review! I'm having fun with this actually, I like being able to write without condescending judgement and getting constructive feed back! I actually just woke up and seeing your review was pleasant.
Hey there. I loved how you jumped right into the conflict her. We've got a girl in tears with ex-troubles, who also has powers? it's a great, interesting start.
This a little awkward phrased, First you could delete, "In that moment" and instead of jumping, say, "But they jump from their desk..." And you need a comma after desks.I don't have any major comments, just some nitpicks and general writing comments.
1. Vary your sentence length. You have a lot of long sentences, but not very many short sentences. So many long, complicated sentences get hard to read after a little while, and they can really slow the story down. You want a good mix of long, medium, and short sentences.
2. Commas, there are two instances when you should be using commas but aren't. The first one is to separate adjectives, such as "her dark, nearly scarlet red hair,." And whenever you have more than one subject or predicate in a sentence, it needs to be separated by a comma. Example: "Skylar slides into the little closet full of cleaning supplies, letting the door slam behind her as the tears fall from her cheeks." Here you have two verbs, sliding and letting, that need to separated by a comma. The problem is, without commas, all the ideas rush together, making it harder to keep track of what's going on.
I only have three nitpicks:
You need to tell us what's she considering, even though it may seem obvious that she's considering going inside.
This is an example of over-written dialogue, or dialogue that has more information than is necessary or than most people would say. This could just be, "Just me, you forgot your book bag." It says the same thing in fewer words.
You rarely wanting to have a be verb followed by and -ing verb, so "is feeling" should "feels".
And that's it. Like I said, it's a great start, and I'm interested as to what Skylar's deal is exactly. You've also got some great description and characterization happening here. I like Jayce and Skylar as friends, they seem very different, but still close.
Feel free to message me when the next chapter is up.
Thanks for the great advice! This was just a quick rough draft to get a feel for what I'm weak at in terms of writing. If anything it seems to be mostly grammar which I kind of expected.
Oh also as a side note she doesn't have powers..more of I didn't handle the details very well towards the end of the chapter so it came across as she stole somebodies soul (based off previous comments). In actuality she just gave the jerk a solid punch to the gut. The interesting fiction part comes in later after Skylar gets her couple days of angst and depression out of the way and she's feeling more herself.
heyyy there... rissymay here, with a few comments...

Well, well. This is quite an interesting thing you have here... it's interesting how your MC goes from sobbing to making the boy who insulted her writhe in pain... makes me really interested in what the cause of her sobbing was.
The thing is- and this is getting a little picky- what reason did the boy have to insult her in the first place? Is he just a mean kid or he just doesn't like your MC? even just a sentence of background would help
You're leaving information out- which is totally a good tactic for getting the reader interested, don't change that- but just because of that, it's hard for me to review. I'll be able to talk about more things in this when i get more information- so keep writing, and if you'd like me to, I'll keep reviewing
I think this can definitely go somewhere. I am interested and am excited to read more. I wonder where you're going to take this story...
so yeah. have a good day.
-rissymay
Thanks! I did get the feeling the end was a bit rushed, but overall I just wanted this to be a rough draft to get a feel for how my writing is. It'd be awesome if we could chat though! I'll need to work on getting better at details for sure.
Ah yes, rough drafts are wonderful that way. The thing I like to remember about rough drafts is that it's just getting your thoughts out of your head and on to paper... and sure, we can chat sometime.
welcome to YWS, btw. I didn't realize that you had joined recently XD hope you like it here
Yup joined last night! So far I'm liking the community here it's very friendly! I also wanted to get a feel for how people will react to what I'm wanting to write here.
This story is great there's really nothing I would change about so continue the good work and happy writing
Thanks! It's not as high school drama focused as this first chapter might imply. After the next chapter it'll start getting into the main focus of the story!
Yeah I only had two flaws with it the first that I thought it might be a romance but now youve said it will focus on story thats gone and the second it could use a tiny bit more discription dont get me wrong the story is great but a bitmore description could bring it an extra mile and did she steal the boys soul because thats what i thought happened but I dont know
Haha no his soul is still there. Yeah this was sorta more of a rough draft. I wanted to post it and see what reactions and advice I could get. It is a romance by the way! Basically what I was going for was this is the last day of school and she had a nasty breakup with her boyfriend the school jock. I'm not sure if i'll go into detail as to how she ended up with him or not, but Jayce is going to be there as her best friend to help pick her up and dust her off. The kid at the end was being a jerk and this got him a good solid punch to the gut, the idea being that she isn't some meak heartbroken girl. Basically I want her character to be very cold and quick to anger, she's going to be a bitch at times. Jayce is just her whipped best friend who's been with her for many years before she became so hot headed. She also has a bit of a soft spot for him and does play around with what few friends she does make. Jayce on the other hand is the patience and calm that evens her out, he understands her better than anyone.
Oh ahaha sorry I didnt mean to offend you romances are quite enjoyable but ive read alot lately so I was looking for a bit of a change But the soul stealing thing was he commented on how she didnt have a soul because she was a ginger and then she gave him a death stare and he was left on the ground cowering so I was like woah did she steal his soul But please do post more I cant wait to see what happens you have me quite hooked
No worries I wasn't offended just making sure to let you know that I intend for this to be a romance. I can see how you'd come to that conclusion about the soul stealing, I left a lot of it to reader interpretation. A common joke about people with red hair is that they "have no soul" or something along those lines. I was actually questionable about including that part at all. The death stare was just a really intense stare, the sort that if looks could kill would leave no survivors.
Anyway looking forward to chapter 2! Gonna be fun to write I think.