The pattering of raindrops striking the umbrella, like a light drumroll, the beats quick and successive. The girl’s slippers squelched under her feet with every step she took. The semi-consistent squeaks were a metronome, the backdrop to the rhythm of the environment.
(For a moment, it felt like her own private pocket in the world, where the cacophony of sounds was, quite literally, music to her ears.)
Pools of water darkened the grey on the ground, alongside the occasional litter lying down in the grass, waiting to be picked up. Vibrant greens and browns flanked her sides, leaves ticking her skin, courtesy of the design of the self-proclaimed “City in a Garden”.
Though not intentional, she kicked up splashes of water as she walked, rimming her pants with uneven spotches of rain that slowly inched upwards. A gust of wind tugged at her shirt, as both her hands tightened their grip on the umbrella. The rod rested comfortably on her shoulder, the metal beams tangling with her hair.
Shifting the hooks of the two other umbrellas to her other arm, she sighed as the pain temporarily subsided. Her eyes flicked down. They’d already branded two rings of red onto her skin. Or maybe it looked more pink, now.
Despite the fact that her feet were dripping wet, the girl didn’t mind.
One, two, one, two.
Splish, splash, splish, splash.
She continued onwards, to the beating pulse of her heart.
She had people to “rescue”, after all.
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139,299 Literary Works • 672,525 Reviews
Hello NoOneInParticular!
This is D.B.,
I absolutely loved this read! You took one scene that has so many little moments that people tend to miss day-to-day, and made those moments come alive. Reading this, I was so easily able to reflect on a real rainy day.
Even in this short story, you are able to pick up on the character's traits of playfulness, and kindness, and just being a human in the rain.
Likewise, your pacing worked super well. Each sentence flowed into the next and also captured the pace of light rain.
I so look forward to other writings of yours, and would love to hear how you came up with this fantastic imagery! It is an incredible talent to take something so simple and draw the reader right in to a whole new perspective.
This short story had imagery, a sweet plot, a glimpse of the character, and such vibrant writing. Incredible work!
-D.B.
Thanks for reviewing! I mostly just drew on real life experiences to come up with this imagery. Real life is the most realistic and descriptive after all! Glad you enjoyed and have a wonderful day/night ahead!
So simple, yet so powerful. The plot leaves much to the imagination, but the imagery certainly doesn’t!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this was I think quite a lovely little scene right there. You certainly accomplished the little description angle I think. They were quite vivid there, and the way you touched on all the senses there really worked out quite well I think.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well this is a beautiful little start. I think really tapping into all of the senses really quite nicely there, showcasing each and every one as the scene is being set there.
You've definitely really done well on the descriptions there, really touching on every little aspect that you can expect to see in something like this. I think it really builds up quite the powerful scene here. You're definitely achieving the goal of being very descriptive.
Oooh an interesting little touch of mystery perhaps there to end on. It could be as simple as getting people out of the rain of course but I chose to think that maybe there's a little more to it. Either way a beautiful little display of description.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think we've got a lovely little tale right here. Quite a simple little idea but done really well and I think its got itself a cute little plot to it too which I think is good to see. Descriptive pieces can sometimes forget that something needs to happen too so I'm glad you kept that!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Thanks for the review! Sorry to disappoint, but it is actually that simple, just me getting people out for the rain. Have a wonderful day/night to you too!
You're Welcome!
Hi friend
Right from the start, you include a lot of lovely details to enhance the story and engage readers. I love how you describe raindrops as pattering. That really sets the scene and helps me hear, see, and feel the story!
Oooh interesting... but who is she? I want to know more. Is this a narrative of your own experiences... or is this a different character entirely?
So most of this story is documenting the girl and her experiences with the rain and nature around her in her city.And then at the end we get this really interesting narrative. I assume the one, two, one, two part is about her steps and the splash, splash represents the rain as she steps. It seems that she needs to rescue people... but who? I really want to know more. Who is this girl and who is she rescuing?
I would recommend adding more details about who she is going to save and more about who she is. This feels like a prologue to a novel. But just by itself, it was very well written with the amount of auditory and visual details you included. Fantastic work! And keep writing!
Your friend,
Ellie
I- uh, wish my works have as much depth as you think, but it%u2019s not that complicated. The people being rescued (in quotation marks) are my father and brother who are trapped (also in quotation marks) in a sheltered area with no way to go home. The two other umbrellas are for them. And the girl is me%u2026sorry, no novels today
.
But anyway, thanks for reviewing! I appreciate your feedback a lot. I mean it! Have a wonderful day/night ahead!
P.S. I realised I made a mistake while writing. It should be City in a Garden and not City in a Jungle. But the rest are still the same