"What's that sound?" I asked myself.The sound was coming from the kitchen. So I went there to check. I saw my brother was looking for something.
I asked him,"What are you looking for bro?"
"Nothing,just the reason of my bad luck."
"Why are you saying that?"
"What else can I say?" I've worked so hard for get admitted in Harvard University. But I failed..."
"It doesn't matter bro. We all know you are a great student and you'll do something great in life" I tried to console him.
"Hmm... But I don't think so"
"Bro, you were in Australia. When did you come?"
"Just few minutes ago"
"Mom and dad know you are here?"
"They don't need to know. They think I can't come back."
"Really,you are talking too much nonsense. Just tell me what you want. I'll help you to find."
"I want promise, promise me you'll never do the mistake I've done."
"Why? What have you done?"
"You'll know. Just close your eyes."
"But..."."Just do what I say." I closed my eyes. I heard a groan and opened my eyes. But than what I saw really wasn,'t ready for that . I saw my brother lying in the floor. There was a knife in his hand and o hole in his stomach. He was bleeding much. I went near him. I was trying to scream but I couldn't. I don't know why but my tongue got tied. Then my brother told me," Dear, if you ever fail to have what you want never give up, never ever make this mistake." He was taking his last breath but there was mysterious smile in his lips .
"Zara!Zara,wake up! Why are you crying dear? I think you had a nightmare."
I hold my mother tightly and said her everything about the dream. She told me that it was just a dream and everything is fine. So I went to washroom for freshen up myself.
Mom went to the kitchen. But she didn't notice I was following her. She entered the kitchen and started crying. My dad hold her and said," don't cry, if Zara hear you she'll ask questions again."
"Then what do I do? I don't know what is happening. Her brother Justin committed suicid 2 years ago and now he is......."
"Shh... Zara must not know this. If she comes to know this she will totally break"After hearing this I was totally blank. I couldn't understand what was going on,my brother died I didn't know that, how's that possible?
My dad again said to my mom," I also don't know what's going on. At first I saw him than you and now..... I thought it was dream but seeing this....."
I looked at the floor of the kitchen. It was covered with deep red blood. That meant I wasn't dreaming. It really happened....... But how's that possible. People can't come back after death. That means thast was my brother's ........
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Okay i just want to first off say that i enjoy the premise of you story it was different and i liked it. Second i want to say that you wording is weird and therefore sometimes messes up what you are trying to tell us. Sometimes i got confused while reading what was going on but at the end i guess i kind of got an understanding of what happened. Its just that sometimes because of how you worded things i got very confused and thought in my head what you were really trying to say :/ but overall i think the story is good and has potential. I think you are doing good.
Sorry for that actually I'm not that good in English
I liked the story.It was unique. Although,while reading I did come across some things i thought didnt really fit. Not any scenes but words.some things could have been worded better. Also why was her brother in Australia? Wasn't he suppose to be in school to achieve going to Harvard? Including some details in the surrounding would help create an image as to what could or would happen. Which simply, explain the setting.I though other than that,it was quite nice. I enjoyed it
Hi Nishat! Writer here to review your work! Welcome to the site, first of all. I hope you enjoy it here.
I haven't read previous reviews, so please forgive me if I repeat something. (What I like to think is, if a mistake or a suggestion is mentioned twice or more times, it shows you just how important that part needs to be changed ^.^)
Let's get onto the review, shall we?
This opener is very vague, and a little random. You need transitions in here to smooth the information out. First of all, what is the sound? Describe it for us? What does it sound like to the narrator? Why does he/she feel the need to go look for this sound? What is the brother doing? I apologize for this spew of questions, but these are some you should be thinking about when trying to paint a picture for us/describe to use what is happening. Since us readers aren't experiencing this firsthand, create your work so that we are, if you see my point. So work on beefing this up for us. Add more description, more detail. Take the time to open this story up for us, because it feels like I'm thrown in with no true introduction to the story. Of course people can start stories in the middle of the action, but they need to be descriptive and intertwine the back story into their narration. So just work on that.
Few grammar nitpicks here, nothing major. Comma after "for" and before "bro." (Good use of dialect, by the way)
Also, in the second sentence, a space between the comma and "just the reason." I think you should change the "of my bad luck" to "for my bad luck." It just sounds more grammatically correct.
Erm, I'm going to take the time to say that a lot of your story is just dialogue. Which is perfectly fine, I know plenty famous works made mainly of dialogue. But you need some "He said," "He breathed" "He asked" thrown there, a long with a few actions, or else it will confuse the readers as to who is talking after some point. Also, the writing falls flat because it's as if I'm reading a script rather than a short story.
Sorry for taking out so much >.< But one thing: make a new paragraph for a new speaker. That means taking "Just do what I say" a new line, or separate it from the other sentence. Make sense?
Also, I want you to look at your sentence structure. A lot of mistakes. Your descriptions are pretty simple, and the chain of events happens way too fast. Especially the transition from
"I closed my eyes" to "I heard a groan". Also the grammar mistakes can easily be fixed
Few things here. First off, always spell out a number unless it's a date or a phone number. Here you should spell out 2. Also, ellipses (...) should be only three dots, with a period at the end. I have a hard time with ellipses myself, and get told that I don't type them correctly xD But we will all learn something at some point, and master it. So I suggest working on those ellipses, as I see you have them many times in the story (and they're all typed incorrectly :S)
Check for spelling, check for grammar, etc. All this needs is a simple look over (and then looked at with a fine tooth comb) and then you can fix mistakes, as most are pretty visible.
So I like where this story is going. The narration is pretty good, but grammar kind of blurs it so my inner Grammar Nazi distracts me from the beauty of the narration. I do think the plot is fairly interesting, and I like the start you have here! You're off to a good one, my friend. Just make sure to fix all those errors so the voice/narration is stronger and paints a more vivid picture.
Descriptions are another thing you need to go back to again. Here's a good thread Show, don't tell. that helps you with showing, and not telling. Most of what you have been doing in this story is telling us, and that's not a good thing. It can be fixed, of course
I hope I helped you! If you have any questions, please let me know ^.^ I will be happy to answer them. Welcome again!
~Writer
Ooh, one more thing. Work on tenses. "Happened?" in the title should actually be "happen?" You'll notice that as your revise
Ok, I'm going to start off with a few tips.
Check your sentence structure. You have many sentences, such as "When did you come?" and "I'll help you to find." that are just worded very awkwardly. This pulls a reader out of the story and focuses their attention on something irrelevant, thus making the story hard to fully understand. Example, instead of these two, think something more along the lines of:
"When did you get back?" and "I'll help you find it."
Basically, make the dialogue more natural.
The ........ are not correct. It should be ". . ." and that's it. I'm aware that adding the extra dots may make you think that it's even more suspenseful, but in reality, it's simply unneeded. The reader will grasp what you're trying to do with simply three spaced periods.
The way you group phrases is weird. You put two people's dialogue together in one paragraph, when a paragraph should only consist of one person's voice. As soon as it turns to someone's else, you need to start a new paragraph. Plain and simple. Also, separate the telling and 3rd person from the inner thoughts.
Here's one spot that I'm talking about;
"Shh... Zara must not know this. If she comes to know this she will totally break"After hearing this I was totally blank. I couldn't understand what was going on,my brother died I didn't know that, how's that possible?
You put someone else's words with the narrator's thoughts. To be clearer, it would be better to do it like this;
"Shh . . . Zara must not know this. If she comes to know this, she will break entirely," Dad whispered reassuringly.
After hearing this I was totally blank. I couldn't understand what was going on. My brother had died and I didn't even know it, how was that possible?
Simply, you need to be able to master pacing and story rhythm. Like poetry, storytelling involves a lot of meter. In the way you're writing currently, your meter is all over the place. You can effectively pace the story by correctly paragraphing sections that have the same over all topic. By doing so, your story will flow much nicer and will be easier for a reader to get into.
Alright, enough of my teaching, how's the actual narrative.
I like the idea of the loved one haunting the family members without the members knowing of a death. But in this case, it wasn't as effective because you made it rather obvious from the beginning that he was dead. In this case, you might want to elongate the conversation between Zara and her brother. Don't make it too obvious from the beginning that he's out of place, ease us into it, and the pay off will be all the better.
Other than that, there's really little I have to say in terms of narrative. It didn't scare me or anything, but I can tell that you do have some glimpse of potential if you continue working on your phrasing, grammar and so fourth (also, make sure you use the right tense of words "Held" vs "Hold" stood out).
Keep working and I hope to see more in the future.
~Maddie
Sorry for the mistakes. Actually I am from Bangladesh and not really good in English. And it was my first story but I'll work hard to overcome my mistakes. Thank you very much for the advice