Under one tent stitched with needles and thread,
live the sunrays of another land.
Dims into the moonlight,
that has always sung its song.
The wave lands, then follows the boat.
Chime to the craft of tricks.
Nobody can know; to search in the sea
As if searching in a fever dream.
Though we dream, though we stand,
Though we love, though we caress
To one rule that reigns—
To burn the nerves for the crown.
Let the rain be a play,
And let the buzzer buz to jolt every ray.
For they have danced in the sun stunningly.
Now they can turn to meet the sky.
And there is this dark day,
Where we don't draw on grey,
To dwell on it becomes the color of the tent.
And it made no sense,
while I searched for my hat.
Because I am the light, though I fear.
You'll meet me where the darkness lies.
Then I can understand a heart out of neon lights.
Even though the light would be gone.
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141,750 Literary Works • 675,677 Reviews
Heyy! I really liked how dreamy and mysterious this felt. It honestly reads like something you have to sit with for a while because the meaning isn’t immediately obvious. The whole light, moon, rain, sea, tent, and darkness imagery gives it this strange almost surreal atmosphere.
I especially liked “And there is this dark day, / Where we don't draw on grey, / To dwell on it becomes the color of the tent.” That part stood out to me because it feels like the darkness slowly becoming something you’re surrounded by. I also liked “Because I am the light, though I fear.” It feels simple, but there’s something vulnerable about being the light while still being afraid of the dark.
One small suggestion would be to look at a few lines where the wording feels a little confusing, because sometimes I wasn't sure what the connection between the images was. I think making a few of those transitions clearer could help the emotional meaning come through more strongly without taking away the mysterious feeling.
Overall, I think this has a really unique atmosphere. It feels more like a dream than a straightforward story, and I like that. Keep experimenting with this kind of imagery because there are some genuinely interesting lines here.
Thank you so much moon ☁