Fights were normally held on the last day of the week. Sunday, the Old Ones called it. Everyone would swarm into the arena trying to find a good spot. The middle and higher ground were for the average tribes, the bottom floor was reserved for the noble tribes. As a youth my tribe would always be stuck at the very top. Now we we sit comfortably in the middle. Chief would always shrill for me as I would wander off without much care.
"Anastasia!" she would call and yank my arm back towards the hyperactive rest of the youths.
I never got on with the rest of the youths in my tribe. Even as a fully grown Amazon, I feel like an outcast. I may be somewhat weaker in strength but I do see myself as smarter than all the other idiotic brutes.
Tomorrow was a Sunday and I couldn't stop the fluttering in my belly. Chief would be in the last fight of her life. She was becoming grey and her strength was fading her. I wasn't nervous for her – I knew she was the best fighter in our area. It was the Lesser she would be fighting that made me excited.
Lesser 277.
Since I first saw him eight years ago I had this feeling of admiration towards him. Sure he was below me, but I still felt an ounce of respect towards him – though I'd never admit it. He had never lost; over twenty Amazons had fallen because of him – one from my own tribe. I wonder if they feel remorse. Do Lessers even feel anything? The only emotion I've ever seen from a Lesser was either fear or anger.
In my short life-time I've battled against three Lessers – a small amount for my age – but I never had a Pet. I didn't want a Pet who was small and groveling for its life. At a young age the thought of anything being weak of pitiful was vile.
I stepped out of my small tent and looked up at the sky. It was black and had flickers dancing within it. Chief gave birth to me at a time like this, she said it was a sign that I'd make a great Chief myself one day.
I didn't want to be Chief. If I did I'd have to bear children. I don't think I ever could after seeing that.
A shiver went down my spine, despite the air being warm; I wrapped my arms around my shoulders.
"Ana! Ana!"
I heard a small voice and the pitter patter of feet. I looked behind me to see a youth. I smiled and held out my arms to her, she jumped into them I swung her around.
"You should be sleeping Isabel," I said, trying to be stern.
"I know, but I didn't get to see you this morning after your training," she said, her lip pouting.
I flicked her bottom lip and laughed. "You know I'm busy now, Chief is getting old, which means I need to take on more responsibility."
It pained me to say that. I'm not cut out for leading at all. I follow – and that's all I am good at.
Isabel was the last to be born from our Chief, for her age she was surprisingly smart. She'd make a fine scholar Amazon. She wasn't put up for battle. Then again, people said that about me and I still continue to fight. Although I'm not the best – far from it. Maybe she'd change as she grew; perhaps she'll become one of the best fighters our tribe has ever seen.
I put the youth down and told her to go back to the huts where the other young youths stayed. She reluctantly went away, her lip in a pout and her arms folded. As she left I chuckled, she always was like this whenever I gave her an order. Tomorrow she would act as normal.
I took another look up at the flickers in the sky and hugged myself trying to get rid of the chill in my back – despite the air being warm.
I took one last stroll around the tribe before settling inside Chief's hut. I called for her but she did not answer. Again, I called louder but still there was no reply. Confused I entered her hut. I check her bed but it hadn't been slept in since this morning. Odd, I thought to myself, normally Chief would take early nights and sleep well past sunrise.
Chief's hut was the biggest hut within our tribe; over four rooms (I only had a flimsy little tent). I made my way into her study. Surely, I thought, she must be there. Nowadays that is where she spends her time. I was surprised to see her not there. I ran my finger along the golden rim of the green desk. Chief said that whenever she looked at the desk she was reminded of me. The green body matched my eyes and the smooth golden rim resembled my own long locks. I stopped when I noticed a piece of parchment lying on the desk.
It was addressed to me.
My dear, Ana.
I am so sorry.
Take my place, please.
"She's run away." I put my hand over my mouth as I dropped the note.
I don't remember much of that night. I must have gone to the Old Ones in a panic as they arranged an emergency meeting first thing in the morning.
I had only ever been the Hall once. It was a big round room built with icy cold grey stones. I could never feel comfortable in there. The presence of the Old Ones alone was enough to send an icy cold shiver down my spine.
The meeting would be taken by the Old One who was in charge of the area our tribe was in. I hadn't met her personally but she did scare me, with her dark eyes and crinkled skin. Also attending would be all the Chiefs in that area, since our tribe had no Chief any more it was to be the eldest to take the place of the former Chief. I was told to come along also, since the note was addressed to me.
I stood next to Gen – the eldest in our tribe - my face pale. Gen gave me a look which I assumed was her way of trying to comfort me, but it came across as her having a stomach-ache. I smiled and took in a deep breath.
"We are here today in order to discuss a runaway Chief – along with one of her Pets."
Apparently Chief had taken one of the Pets with her, leading some to believe that the Pet had kidnapped her.
"A note was given to Amazon Anastasia, correct?" the Old One looked at me and I nodded. "The note in question dictated that Amazon Anastasia was to be the new Chief. Since I hear no objections," the Old One looked around the room. "I conclude that Amazon Anastasia is promoted to Chief of this areas eastern tribe."
I suddenly found it hard to breath.
"Why me?! Surely, Gen should be the one to take over?!"
"Under normal circumstances, yes. However the previous Chief has stated that you are the new Chief," she shuffled some parchment on her desk. "The law may state that the eldest may take charge once a previous Chief dies or leaves. However, this law can be overruled if the previous Chief requests who should be appointed before death or leave."
My stomach churned and once the meeting was clinched I had to run out of the hall to throw-up. Gen followed me and patted my back.
The two of us went back to Chief's – my – hut. Gen sat on the wicker chair and looked at me as I paced up and down the room.
"There must be a way for me to step down," I said, frantically.
Gen smirked. "If the Old Ones say you're Chief then you're chief."
Gen was three years my senior. She was short but was built like a bull. Despite the fact that we shared a womb she looked totally different from me. Short springing ash hair and water blue eyes. She was the only one of around my age that I was close to. She took me under her wing when I was young and showed me the basics of battle.
"Then! Gen, be my lieutenant!"
Gen looked at me. "Isn't that already me anyway," she laughed. "As if I'd let you take on all this alone. You may be a full Amazon, but you're still just a youth." She grabbed my shoulder and shook it more roughly that she intended to.
The two of us laughed and set about cooking something to eat - we both settled on pheasant. We stayed in my hut for the rest of the day. Gen tried her hardest to cheer me up. When it was time to eat I could hardly swallow any of the meat.
"You can't act like this forever!" yelled Gen, her mouth filled with food. "You have the best job in the world!"
"To you maybe," I said, a lump forming in my throat.
"Think of it this way, you get to boss people about! You get the best hut in our tribe, the best food, the best..." she droned on and on about how spectacular this job was.
All of her reasoning was going in one ear and out the other. I only had one thought in my head. Now that I was Chief it meant that I would have to bare children.
After dinner Gen left to return to the hunters huts leaving me alone with my thoughts. I sat peacefully on a wicker chair watching the roaring fire flicker.
A messenger came rushing into my hut holding a piece of parchment which came from the old ones.
"They said I was to give it to you as quickly as possible," she handed it to me.
I recognised the girl. She was from the tribe next to ours where the arena was held. A scholar Amazon. I remembered that she was also an Old One in training. I thanked her for delivering the message and she left my hut.
I sat down and unfolded the parchment. It's funny how two pieces of partchment can made my blood run cold. The message explained that since Chief Hundi left before she could fight Lesser 277 the battle was then past onto me.
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You need a comma after sleeping, I think.
first off, the comma after "Surely" is not needed, and secondly, putting the ?! makes this look less professional. Try to to show the emotion through her tone and body language.
OK, done this chapter without much complaining. I saw a couple parts where I wasn't sure if commas were needed, but besides that I don't think I saw anything wrong.
I like your character Ana, but I think you could use more character development. More of what is going on in her head right when things happen. Also, I find the chief just running off and giving the rule to a youth, just a tad strange. I hope you will have a good reason for that, because if not I don't think it will be too realistic.
Hope this helps.
Keep it up!
Okay, so this is a really good first chapter. You got into the story really well. It was a little too fast for my taste. You may want to slow things down, give voice to some more thoughts and descriptions of the things going on. I like Anastasia as a character. And Isabel's cute.
Here are a few things that you might want to consider fixing:
"Only the middle and higher ground..."
I think you should take out "Only" here.
"As a youth I my tribe would always be stuck at the very top – now we are in the middle – Chief would always shrill for me as I would wander off without much care."
This doesn't go well together as one sentence. I suggest splitting it. Maybe between "middle" and "Chief". You could get rid of the dash and put in a period. I think that would make it more smooth that way.
""Anastasia!" she would call and eventually yank my arm back..."
Um, "eventually" doesn't go here. I think maybe you should consider taking that out.
"...top – now we are in the middle – Chief..."
"Even now as an Amazon, I feel out-casted."
Two things. One, I think that you should make "I feel out-casted" should probably be "I feel like an out-cast". That makes more sense, since I'm pretty sure that "out-casted" isn't a word. Two, you start off with present tense but then you later go on to use past tense. I'm not sure if that was on purpose, but you might want to fix that too.
"The only emotion I've ever seen from a Lesser was either that of fear or anger."
Switch "that of" and "either".
"...before settling inside Chiefs hut."
Chief's. Apostrophe.
"Apparently Chief had taken one of the Pets with her. Leading some to believe that the Pet had kidnapped her."
Put a comma where the period is between "her" and "leading".
"Since there are no objections I would grant that and now assume that Amazon Anastasia is now Chief."
Um, rewrite this. It's a bit confusing as it is. Rewrite especially this part: "...I would grant that and now assume that..."
"The two of us went back to Chief – sorry my – hut."
I know that this is how she would think, but you might want to take out "sorry" and just have "my". This one is just my personal opinion.
All in all, it was really good. Like I said in the beginning, it moved a little too fast for me, especially in the end. She was just freaking out about becoming chief and then she starts joking and laughing about the old chief. It just didn't seem all that natural.
You really are a good writer. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for pointing my mistakes out. I'll go back and change them when I have the time. I'll also try and slow things down. Thanks again for your reviews they're really helping c:
Hi there!
So I read your prologue, but there wasn't enough that I could say to make a proper review. I may end up adding a few comments about the prologue in this review, just to let you know. Ok, onto the review.
This is a very interesting concept. Very original as well. I honestly don't think I have read anything like it. A world where women are superior and the men are the lesser's. Since I am indeed a woman, I'm sort of fond with this world. I mean, who wouldn't be at least fascinated by it, right? And I think you did a great job introducing this world. I feel like I know a lot about it just from reading this and the prologue. Keep up the good work as you continue writing!
There is one thing I'm not quite clear about though. How do these women get these "pets"? I am assuming that these "pets" are actually men, right? So how would a man fall so low on the totem pole to become a "pet"? And what exactly do these "pets" do? Are they like a slave? These are just a few questions running through my mind after reading this. I guess I just want to see some further explanation before the plot is moved forward.
Like I said, I really enjoy this story and I can't wait to see where it goes. Besides adding some more information about this world, I don't see anything else that should be fixed or reworked. Good job.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks a lot for your review. Regarding the Pets I'll go back and edit so hopfully it'll be more more clearer. Thanks once again for your kind words
I can't get to a review at the moment, but I will try to later.
Take all the time you need.