“I have to get going. Can you lock up tonight?” At first I didn’t know he was talking to me. So I continued working, assuming there was someone else there. “Jane, you deaf?” He yelled annoyed.
I turned around to face him. “Sure thing, Al” I smiled. He didn’t smile back. Why would he trust someone on their first day to lock up the factory. I stood there still until I heard the door slam shut. I hated to be alone, especially in a meat factory, with slaughtered cows hanging from the ceiling. I can’t believe I have to work here, I never thought I would be this desperate for a job. Al’s Meat Shoppe is the only place that’s always looking for new employees, I laughed at the irony of a vegetarian working in a meat factory.
The hanging bodies of the cows revolted me. It didn’t make sense how anyone can eat a living creature. I get the broom from the supply closet and started to sweep up. I stopped sweeping, when I heard the metal door knob, start to turn. It’s just my imagination; I always do this when I am alone. I heard the door softly close, I know for sure I heard this. I dropped the mop on the floor wishing it didn’t make so much noise. “Hello?” I called out, what did I think was going to answer the dead cows.
I heard footsteps coming towards my direction. I got scared and then heard the rattling of chains. Maybe it’s Al, he probably forgot something. “Al? Is that you?” I shouted out. The first row of lights flickered and then shut off.
I could hear the footsteps come closer and closer to me. I had to hide. I ran and the first thing I could see to hide in was inside the carcass of the dead cow. It was hanging from the ceiling, so it was easy to get into. I held my breath, and snuck in there quietly. I put my feet inside the body also, so it wouldn’t show. I closed my eyes to imagine myself somewhere else. The smell of the rotting meat filled my nose and churned my stomach. The rib I had been holding my leg on snapped. “Shit.” I muttered. I looked at the floor of the factory, and saw a pair of brown timberlands. They moved away from the carcass I was in, and the person whipped a chain on another cow carcass. The smell of the cow blood and the rotting musk, started to suffocate me. I opened my eyes, and saw everything; I saw the ribs and the meat, and the blood. Then it all faded to black.
My eyes fluttered open at first it was blurry. I could feel my hands tied in chains; I felt my feet not touching the ground, I was hanging. My feet were tied together, with barb wire. I moved my foot, and the wire pierced my skin.
“Jane, finally your up” a familiar voice called out ahead of me.
“Al?” I cried out.
“Of Course it is Jane. You know Jane, you know it’s weird that I own a meat factory, and I don’t even sell the type of meat I want” He said deviously.
I looked at him confused. There was a little boy next to him, and a woman around the same age next to him. I think they are his wife and son. “Get me out of this, Al,” I struggled, as the wire went deeper.
“Wasn’t really my plan” He pulls out an ax from behind his back.
“Dad, Can I get a leg piece?” The little boy shouted excited.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Nina!
So first off, this didn't really horrify me as much as I would have expected. Your overall plot was horrifying yes, but the way you wrote it wasn't. When I read a horror story, I expect to not be able to sleep for a few nights, or I keep imagining horrific sounds. The latter is usually from a particularly excellent horror story, though.
If you really want your reader to be gripped by it, to he horrified by it, and still read the entire thig, I suggest fixing your grammar and punctuation first. You had a lot of tense inconsistency, and that tends to pull the reader out of the story, and it takes time for them to get back into it again. For example:
Firstly, "I hated to be alone" is incorrect. Try "I hated being alone". Secondly, instead of a comma after "I can't believe I have to work here", there should be a full stop/period or a semi-colon. Thirdly, in the first line over there^, you use past tense. Which is good, because up until now your entire story was in past tense. But then, suddenly, BOOM. You dropped the present tense in the middle. It would be better if it was written like this:
There are a lot of grammatical errors such as that one, and I suggest you read and edit this piece thoroughly. If you like, I could point them out for you.
Next, this part:
So the MC tells us she finds it revolting that people can eat living creatures. And then she picks up a broom and starts sweeping. In this case, it's extra information. Describe the carcasses of the cows. Show us what the MC is looking at. If you want readers to be drawn into your story, make it truly revolting. Make the reader imagine it.
Another problem I found was that you didn't explain the setting very well. You and I have quite a different image in mind when it comes to factories. I couldn't really understand how the factory looked, which is something that I would like to understand.
This line confused me a lot. I think it might have just been a typo, but when I read it at first I thought there might be some kind of ladder which leads to an upper area of the factory. But then this line
made me rethink.
Basically, the major problems of your story were grammar, punctuation, and description. Work on those, and you'll have a great horror story! PM me if you have any questions!
Keep Writing!
~Lemony
Hey Nina. This is Storm to review your story.
First off, this reminded em of Sweeney Todd. (I haven't see nthe movie, just the play. I love it, it's not a bad comparison, don't worry.
You're biggest problem was an overall roughness, as thorgh the story is a first draft. I've always found the the most productive use of YWS is to post an edited draft so people don't get stuck on little grammar things and focus more on the story itself and nitpicks.
I'm going to edit the story here.
“I have to get going. Can you lock up tonight?”
At first I didn’t know he was talking to me, so I continued working, assuming there was someone else there. “Jane, you deaf?” he yelled, annoyed.
One thing I noticed is after "'Jane, you deaf?'" you said "He yelled annoyed." That's improper grammar. 'He' shouldn't be capitalized and there should be a comma before annoyed.
I turned around to face him. “Sure thing, Al.” I smiled. He didn’t smile back. Why would he trust someone on their first day to lock up the factory? I stood there still until I heard the door slam shut. I hated to be alone, especially in a meat factory, with slaughtered cows hanging from the ceiling. I can’t believe I have to work here. I never thought I would be this desperate for a job. Al’s Meat Shoppe was the only place that was always looking for new employees. I laughed at the irony of a vegetarian working in a meat factory.
The hanging bodies of the cows revolted me. It didn’t make sense how anyone could eat a living creature. I got the broom from the supply closet and started to sweep up. I stopped sweeping when I heard the metal door knob start to turn. "It’s just my imagination; I always do this when I'm alon," I told myself. I heard the door softly close, I knew for sure I heard this. I dropped the mop on the floor wishing it didn’t make so much noise. “Hello?” I called out. What did I think was going to answer, the dead cows?
The main problem I can see is just a lack of flow and editing, but with a bit of work you could really make this something that could shine.
Keep writing!!
-- Storm