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Grim

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A pitch black cloud hovered over the lonely clearing. The calm crackle of a dying flame signalled the end of the evening, as Grim crawled into the small space created by the canvas overhang. He adjusted himself until his bare paws pressed against the pine that held his shelter up. He began to wonder if anyone would miss the four men. He recalled how the first one flailed, like a fish out of water. the other three had bled out before he started on them, but the first fought. He twisted and screamed as Grim’s teeth tightened around his neck. Grim smiled, remembering how his bones snapped in his jaw, he remembered the feeling of blood and flesh filling his mouth. Grim lifted his head to check on the dying embers. On his left he could see the pile of bones that had been locked clean and tossed in a heap. Broken pieces of human life pointed to the heavens, like hands grasping for a last chance at life. Grim smiled, noticing how silly it was, how much man struggled to live after death had lain its soft, caring hands upon their souls.

Grim was like the others, he liked to hunt. But Grim was still different. Grim was stronger, he was bigger, he remembered. He remembered the days before the change, before he became Grim. He remembered their language, their mannerisms, her face.Grim liked her. She was his blood-kin before the change. His… Sister. Grim nodded. Yes. Sister, that was the word. He tried to visit her during the last bloom, and had even picked some wild flowers that grew high up on the Sky Peak. But the villagers didn't like Grim. He fled the village after they got mad and ran after him wielding shiny, pointed sticks and fire. “Demon! Creature of evil! Man-eater!” they shouted as Grim bolted into the cover of the woods. Grim remembers that day. He felt hurt. He only ate people when hey needed to. He didn't even like man-flesh. It was too stringy. Grim looked around. He could see the others. On all fours, their fur matted with blood, their tails whipping to and fro. Grim wasn’t like them because they gave up their humanity. Grim liked his humanity. But, he also liked the freedom of being the creature Grim. He liked seeing the whites of his prey’s eyes as he closed in for the final kill. He liked the fear he saw, it gave him power, it made him feel big. He was so small before, so puny. He remembered the change too. He remembered when that black mist had washed over the forest months before he even went into it. He remembered how many men had disappeared hunting in the forests, or investigating the black mist. All those men were by his side now. Garrosh, Trei, Garth, Boro, the Longvine triplets, and the men the Duke sent to bolster the guard. They each disappeared in the first week. Grim was the last. Grim was the final one. Grim knows this because after the change, Grim was hungry. Not hungry for flesh, for retribution. He spent so long chasing that unholy bitch that set the fog upon his people. He found her that night, below the blood moon, all the unholy beasts gathered around her, so submissive, so weak. It sickened him. He remembered how she smiled at him. And how that smile turned into a look of pure fear as Grim rushed her and tore her to shreds. He liked how she tasted. She tasted… Powerful….

Grim prowled through the thickets, his hind legs taut with muscle, ready to spring on the men at any moment. There were roughly 14 of them, an unusually large pack, and they were not armored like the village guard. Their steel plated armor clanked as they moved through the forest with trepidation. Grimm knew what they were here for. Him. He circled behind the men and fell back. For many hours, he followed them, silently, stealthily, watching. The path they took was an old one, used by the tribes of wildpeoples that dwelled deep within the vast canyon to the south. It lead the men through the clearing, where young children used to come and frolic in the spring sunlight. It was a dead place now, rotted by the mist. The men camped there tonight, unaware of Grim’s presence in the towering pine that overlooked the small field of wilted flowers and rotweed. Even from his perch high up in the evergreen giant, Grim could hear their words. They were words of fear and anxiousness. They spoke of the witch that cursed the woods and all that ventured into it, they spoke of the beasts that once used to men and women of the village, and they spoke of Grim. It was obvious that they were hunting him, with their sharp sticks and shiny blades. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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This story definitely has its moments!

For me description is one of the things that brings a story to life and you certainly had some good description. You painted a picture in my mind and kept a similar voice throughout. In some points however the description gets a little awkward. Try not to contradict yourself. You tell us that the Grim is the same as the others, but then go and say he is different. Show us that he looks the same and then show us that he thinks different. Telling us comes across a bit confusing.

Edit your writing. I know it can be a chore, you just want to get words onto paper and send it out as fast as possible but taking time is key to having a well executed story.

Overall an enjoyable story and I think with a little more experience you'll write even more enjoyable stories!

Keep practicing! - Nes (Never Ending Story).

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MemoryHunter
Review

Hi there, MemoryHunter here to review your short story~

I have to admit, when I first read this I was amazed by the descriptions et cetera. It was nice for a beginning. However, as I got further, I felt that it was this huge blob of a story. A huge blob that needs to slow down. Slow down, and explain itself.

Of course, in short story, you don't have to explain everything. Never underestimate a reader. They can figure out stuff by themselves. But, in this case, I felt that you need to elaborate more because good descriptions of incidents and other stuff like that aren't just what makes a nice short story. It's also the clear thought that it represents.

Sure, we see that Grim is a creature or something, a human turned into a creature, a vicious one at that. But I don't understand; what are you trying to deliver/express with this story?

Everything can be improved in due time and I believe that you can do it, because you clearly have the description going on! You just need to work a little bit on the technical part. Cut your paragraphs also because huge chunks usually bore readers and it may be a sign of amateurism.

I HOPE TO SEE YOUR WORK MORE!

Happy Writing~

User avatar
Sujana
Review
Sujana wrote a review · Sat Mar 19, 2016 8:03 am

What a peculiar story, what a strange execution. I think you can sharpen this to some extent, in order to make it more coherent, because from what I've read I only understand roughly 65% percent of what's going on (and I'm sure there's a lot going on here)--first off, we have a beast who used to be a man, probably a werewolf. We have him sleeping, pondering over the pile of bones pointing at God in defiance. Then we have the story of his sister. But wait, whose this witch he's talking about? Is she his sister? Is she someone else? Oh, he's killed him. Well, that's good, I suppose? I wouldn't know. I wasn't given enough time to judge Grim's actions, let alone hers.

What I'm saying, currently, is that this is currently a bit of a mess. The story is summed up but never fully explained, and it never really develops into anything. The ending seems as if it was cut short, as if there was supposed to be one last paragraph to sum things up, but it got lost in the publishing process. Does that mean the work is bad? Not necessarily. Like any story, this could be made better with a little tender love and care and a lot of editing.

Let's start with how it's written. Usually, paragraphs should be short and concise, describing an action or a thought. There are exceptions, though I don't think this deserves to be one of them. Read over it again, try to catch points where the text is leading to different topics, or describing different actions. That's usually a good place to pause and make another paragraph.

I'm somewhat intrigued in the idea that Grim, whether he's a werewolf or some other turned creature, seems content to be both a monster and a human being--that would provide a good amount of internal conflict, and it warrants a story detailing said conflict. However, with the way it's currently written I'm having a difficult time to be immersed into said conflict.

Keep writing,

--EM.



There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
— Robert Kiyosaki