Published January 23, 2011
It’s over now
It’s done, it’s gone
We started as the unstoppable force
But now our story can’t go on
We tumbled, we turned
We broke, we burned
We pulled each other over heaps
Over grief filled cannons cut so deep
But on our journey of perpetual bliss
Cupid shot an arrow and suddenly missed
And just like that true lovers curse
An immovable object out of ash immerged
With a forceful hand it split us in two
Though not completely cause it took my soul along with you
Left alone, empty in the ash full dust
Will ever again be able to trust?
Only proof that I was still alive was the burning hole I felt inside
It’s over now
It’s done, it’s gone
We were the unstoppable force
What went wrong?
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I loved this poem, but I'm a bit low on time, sorry, so I'll skip past what I loved and dive right into the critique:
This line flows well, but when it comes to what you're trying to say, I really have no idea. Can cannons cut deep? And I do not understand the metaphor relating cannons with grief. I would put a dash between "grief" and "filled" to clarify this a bit, but I think it would be best to just redo this line altogether.
"Immerge" is an old word for "immerse." It sounds a bit odd, and I'm not quite sure that that's what you were meaning to say. Did you mean "emerged?"
I have a couple problems with this. Firstly, it is very long and breaks the flow, and secondly, the "cause," I'm guessing, is a shortened version of "because." In this case it should be "'cause." However, this use of the word is extremely informal and should not be used in poetry. Another reason to redo this line.
Again with the length and the informality. Put a "the" at the beginning.
Again, I loved this poem. I hope this was useful!
-Kafka
This is a really moving poem with emotion and heart. You used interesting and descriptive language and the metaphors you used really set a scene in your head. I like the way in which you repeated the first and last verse and changed a few bits of it as this verse is a really key point in the poem.
Now, I just had a few tiny complaints.
'The unstoppable force' should be 'The Unstoppable Force' as it is the title.
This line seeme a bit out of place as all your other verses have a regular pattern of four lines and it ruins the beat when you decide to add a whole new line to one. It's a really good line so I wouldn't get rid of it but I would perhaps add another verse when you could just build on the subject of this person feeling 'dead'.
Also, remember to include your punctuation as it is really important while writing as you seemed to completely forget about it in this poem. I know it sounds stange, but punctuation can really add a whole new dimension to your work as well as telling the reader when to take a rest.
Other than that, great poem! Keep typing!!