Before the turn of the 22nd century, the treasured resources of Earth have been depleted, ravaged, consumed. Desperate for more resources, humanity takes to the stars. But anywhere humanity goes, destruction follows. The greedy corporations that now controls the traffic of resources being sent to Earth take it upon themselves and begin to quarrel with each other, they soon reach a point were they would be the ultimate demise of themselves. With all of the colonies supplying Earth gone, the lonely planet is left to fester and rot.
* Chapter-1
Matt and I sit around the fire that we started, the heltite, caused by various radioactive waste from the orbital bombarment made the fire glow in an eerie green light. I pick up a stick and nudge the heltite inside I little bit more, letting it glow in a more lively manner.
"I can't stand this crap all day, Alex. It's just too much" Matt says in a nervous voice.
I look at him and give a slight smile, since I'm the optimistic one "You know, you are lucky you're alive." I said to him an a cheerful voice, but he's still pouting nontheless.
After we ate our food, we talked for a while, about our past lives before the solar war started, then whe slept after that. But my sleep was cut short by my PAG (Personal Assistance Gear), it seems to be beeping really loud. An orange holographic display popped out from my wrist and it showed me the map of our current surroundings. There was a little red dot flashing in the map. It showed the location of a distress beacon from a science vessel that crashed... 60 years ago.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! This is a short chapter isn't it? I'd suggest if you haven't posted a prologue already, that this became your prologue. Or alternatively, that you extend on the first paragraph, and make that the prologue instead.
I only have one point.
I think some punctuation here would help the emotion you're trying to portray when you say he is nervous a bit more.
I really like the concept, PM me when you've posted Part 2, I'm intrigued
Hey-oh!
Mm, little short chapter here, but I find myself rather intrigued.
Why not show us this? As is, we have very little to go on for these characters, or the solar war, or really anything. Conversation about it could be really illuminating, giving us characters to attach ourselves to and grow fond of, and it'll help worldbuild at the same time.
Is the distress beacon time-travelling? Or is it still there and it's only now being responded to, a whole sixty years later? If the former: Ooooh. What's going on? If the latter: Ooooh again, but for different reasons. Why did it take so long to get there? I wanna know more.
Mmm, this is a first chapter, but you've got it posted in Short Stories. Have you seen our nifty Novel feature? It'd be great when you have more than one chapter posted, so you can consolidate them all in one place and make it easier for readers!
This interested me, but didn't really hook me. It was really quite short and I didn't have time to really get into anything or attach myself to any person. It was just there and beyond curiousity about the distress beacon, I didn't have much of a reason to continue. Flesh it out a little. Give us some interaction, some background, some conflict. Make us care!
Feel free to PM me or leave a note on my wall if you have any questions!
~GryphonFledgling
Sounds like this could go someplace, but there are a few problems. First, the conversation seems too short, like it's been cut off in the middle. Basically, he said one thing, then the other guy said something. The end. Sure, it says he's pouting, but why? What is he so disgusted with? There's not enough to go on. I know you talked about how horrible things are, but the thing is, they didn't hear you.
Second thing is much less important and involves the part about the PAG. Normally, I think, it would be done, "Personal Assistance Gear (PAG)" instead of vice versa. This is based on the principle of saying, "Raymond, or Ray for short" rather than, "Ray, short for Raymond." Both will work, but I've mostly seen it the first way.
Third, you switched tenses briefly with, "It seems to be beeping really loud".
That's about it. I like the idea of them finding an old spaceship; that always seems cool to me. As it is, this story hasn't got a distinctly evident direction. Is it a mystery? An apocalyptic (or post-apocalyptic, as it seems to be)? Horror?
In any case, it may have more promise if you don't set us down at the end of the conversation.
Hey Vitamin Cakes! ^_^ Evi here!
This is a run-on sentence. I think you meant to start a new one at "The heltite...", so you'd either need a period/capital or semi-colon.
Inside "it", you mean? And I think there is a better way to say "in a more lively manner". What do/does the fire/glowing/flames look like now? Description!
Period after "one", as Solvalery said. Also, at this point you switch tenses. The first half of the chapter is in present tense, but from "said" on you use past tense. Make sure to be consistent-- changing tenses is one of the surefire ways to confuse your readers.
Well, this is short! It's an interesting spot to start a story-- it gives us a vague sense of characters and setting, but it's not exactly attention-grabbing. I'd be interested to actually hear the conversation they have about their lives before the solar war-- consider including that dialogue instead of skipping over it and going to naptime. As a first chapter, you want to engage readers, and to do that you're going to want to expand on the little things (characters, conversations, actions, descriptions) and worry about the big plot-points after you've got us hooked.
Best of luck, and PM me for anything.
~Evi
Hi there Vitanilo! I'm here to review for you. xD I really like this. o.o I never thought I could like science fiction, but this is great.
And that can confuse the reader. Other than that, it's great! I might as well check your next chapter when it's up. 
One thing I would tell you is to try to make sentences a little bit shorter, 'cause I noticed sometimes you overuse commas... even when you don't have to.
Sad, but true.
Now, I have some nitpicks for you! Yus, I
knowthink everyone love them. xDI think this should be another sentence.
*Runs after typo* HA! Got'cha! xD It should be "bombardment".
There's a missing comma in the dialog: "I can't stand this crap all day, Alex. It's just too much," Matt says in a nervous voice.
There should be a period after "one".
I think the comma in red should be substituted by a semicolon.
I hope I helped somehow,
#00BFBF ">Your big sister, Sol Valeria.