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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You had me riveted right up to this sentence. It came completely out of nowhere, and it threw me completely out of the story. You need to tie it to the rest of the paragraph. Modifying it to "Even though she had no idea why or how this had happened, Emma ran on, trying to find a way out." or just cutting this sentence out completely would work to restore the flow.
Tense shift.
Other than those two issues, this was great. You had me gripped from the first sentence, and you held me (the one sentence aside) right to the end. The pacing was excellent, and Emma's character felt very real in a so-shocked-she's-become-slightly-detached sort of way, which was really good.
The Quinn section was a bit meh-ish, and I think it might work better if you placed it later on since it kind of ruins the sense of hopelessness Emma feels since we readers know there is hope.
In any case, please PM me when the next part is posted. I would love to read it.
Hi
First of all, you may want to space it better, at least for posting it here, so that it is less jumbled and easier to read.
I think you could begin with a really good image if you take out the "Piper get out of the way". Starting with Piper's eyes rolled up into the back of her head, will really draw the reader into your story.
You imagery is amazing, "Smoke swirled in the air, screams riveted off walls, and bodies slumped to the ground."
"Few of the dead faced resistance" that is unclear, what do you mean?
"Kendra’s lips away from her teeth as she snarled" I think you need another word in there, Kendra's lips...curled? away from her teeth
For the second part, maybe introduce Quinn a little better like what she looks like to better characterize her.
Lastly, at the end maybe say, "She worried that he was going to be trouble"
I like this piece very much, your imagery is fantastic and I love the first part because it really captures what is happening to the people and therefore what Quinn will be targeting. and then I like how you tie them together. This is a very neat idea and it would be awesome to see more.
I don't like how Emma died though, because she seemed like a central character. You might want to make her less personal if she is going to die and just be there to show the chaos.