Published January 21, 2011
This is a very short introduction I am working on, and hoping to expand on. It's been a while since I've written anything, and I'd like to know what you think. :3
Writhing figures engulfed in a vortex of onyx flashed through time and space. Long, solid fingers dragged over the silky black sheet of reality, warping time as they caught on rips in the delicate material. The two figures danced gracefully on the planes of the electromagnetic spectrum, dove through the sun, played on the edges of imagination. All these things made the endless night more bearable, but the one toy they wanted to play with was a large sphere that housed many different species. It was unlike anything they’d ever touched before. There were objects that took in oxygen and used their mouths to communicate, deep pools of bright blue water that held ecosystems. It was about time they made a trip to a planet called.. Earth.
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
Hey,
As Chad said, this was trippy. I liked it which is weird because I don't like Sci-Fi much. Very eloquent piece but is too short for a in-depth review. Good work.
Favorite Line: 'The two figures danced gracefully on the planes of the electromagnetic spectrum, dove through the sun, played on the edges of imagination.'
Grade: A-
~Jas
A very interesting beginning. It is eloquently written and supplies the reader a vague idea of what will soon occur. The description of the extra terrestrials give them a godlike feel and remind me of the book 2001: a space odyssey. Keep up this writing and expand on your ideas, it should become a great story. I can't wait to read the rest of it!
Only ONE line bothered me throughout this short piece:
"All of these things..."
Read it, and see that it kind of slows your eyes down, doesn't it? Maybe get rid of the word "of" or use a different word other than "things". Other than that, a beautiful introduction that contained a lot of imagery. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you continue.
~Panda;;
Whoa, intergalactic trippiness. Very vivid and cool diction, felt like I was floating through the ether. I have this image in my mind of these eldritch kind of gods dormant in space, and their going to have some fun on the playground earth
. Intriguing but very short.
I like this opening. I have two suggestions.
You write:
but then I get a conflicting sense of motion from:
In the first sentence it seems to me that the figures are struggling because the word "writhing" (to me) suggests an unpleasant and chaotic motion. However, in the second sentence that I quoted, I get the impression that the figures are pleasant and joyful from the words "gracefully", "dove" , and "played."
I get the impression that they are just trying to make time pass and find amusing things to do, but the first sentence conflicts with the overall feeling that I get from the entire paragraph.
Second point:
I particularily like this setence. However, I have one suggestion....
...and this may or may not be nitpicking, but, you go from an objective point of view that is grand in scale to suddenly telling me that the figures are playing on my imagination. Instead of suddenly shifting to inside the reader's head, I think It would be better if you wrote "played on the edges of imagination" and omitted the word "your."
Hi, hey this real good, but real short.
I implore you to expand on this and make a great story, to go with a great opening paragraph.
Remember the path to being a good writer, is to not get bogged down and get down on yourself. Just let the words flow, don't think about too much. Finish this story, or it will be disappointing for me and for you.
~ T.K