Published December 9, 2007
I'm a princess, I guess. I live in a big old castle and have a king and queen for a father and mother and all that...but I don't exactly put myself in that category. I spend most of my time riding horses and practicing my jousting skills instead of planning outfits and staring at boys(Why spend time watching them ride horses and joust when I could do just the same, but better?).
I wear plain brown, baggy clothing instead of frilly dresses. I don't bother to eat "delicately" or spend hours on my hair (actually, I can't think of the last time I spent any time on my hair)Yet I'm still classified, to the public as a delicate, frilly, princess.
Why?
I have edited the first part over using the critique given. I have also added some of my own ideas. If you have any suggestions I would be very grateful.
Nikki
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Hi Nikki!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This seemed more like an introduction to a story or maybe the introduction of a character in the story. I am not really sure what to view this as because this is mostly just an outline of what the person our protagonist claims to be. There really isn't any plot in this story or any other element that actually makes it a 'story'. It sounds more like a declaration by the character who is exhausted by the stereotypes and the generalization that people immediately force upon her on learning her status.
I guess the main theme of the story is the struggle to find an identity for oneself. People hear that you are the son or the daughter of this person and they immediately create an outline of the person you are supposed to be. More than often these assumptions weigh a person down as they feel shadowed by the stereotypes and the ideas of other people. I think this is the case with our protagonist.
In every sentence, she tries to draw a contradiction between who she is and who people assume her to be just because she is a princess. She is rather firm and confident in her declarations and we can tell that she is tired of trying to establish her own identity and being rejected by society every time.
However, I think you can better establish that with the help of some instance or interaction where she was trying to be herself but was cast aside by the general assumptions of people. You have probably heard of the expression, 'show, don't tell'. That is exactly what you need to do here. You have told us who the main character is. But now you need to show us who she is through your narration because otherwise we have no reason to believe.
Overall, I thought this was a good attempt and I can feel that you have a really developed writing style. However, you need some plot to tie this together into a story. Otherwise, it is just a character introducing herself in the beginning of a story that is missing.
Keep writing and have a great day!
thank you! I'm really new to this and have very bad typing skills. So any help is appreciated. P.S. I wrote something in non-fic called A guide to snow shoveling that you guys can check out if you want....
*hint* *hint*
Hello! I like this... But its kinda hmm... Overused I guess cliched.
Instead of making a whole bunch of posts for one story just click on the edit button at the top of the screen and you will be able to put it all in your first post.
You need to review your work before posting it you have allot of spelling and grammar errors.
Keep going I would like to see where this story takes you.
PM me once you have written more.
_Good Luck!
Genevieve
xxx
Hey Nikki!
Before I start the review, I need to tell you this:
You should put all your bits in one post. Just click 'Edit'. :}
I think there is a name for it...*racks brains* but I can't remember.
I don't think you should have just one thread for all your stories.
I underlined 'kind' because I think you meant to say 'king'.
But anyways, this is getting off to an interesting start!
I like the concept of a Mage, but it isn't a real word and therefore, I don't think they exist in real life. So I'm kinda confused...is this something that would occur in real life? Or is it based on reality?
The 'and' should have a capital A as it is the beginning of a sentence.
Oh, and I think you made a typo...'ahve' should be 'have', right?
And one for thing. That last post really confused me. Is this story about you? If so, are you actually a princess? It's really a matter of personal opinion but some people may think that if you write about yourself in a fictional story and add things about yourself that aren't true, you're a Mary-Sue. Personally I don't care but I just thought I'd bring that up.
Overall, this was interesting.
There were some small errors but you're off to a good start and I like your simple prose. There's not many people who can write [in my opinion] engaging stories in a very simple style but you've managed to pull it off quite nicely.
Anyways, keep writing!
Narf,
-Ayra
P•S•- Please don't take my nit-picks too harshly! This has potential--you just need to make it longer.