z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Not Enough Pills

by Nike


I started writning this during class instead of learning... so yeah. There's more to this, I'll add later. I'm going to edit this soon. Hope you like.

I pushed the door open as I stepped into the Bar. It was where I worked for the past three months. My uncle John owned it. He believed I needed a better job rather than help on construction sites.

"Finally you're here,"

Checking the clock on the brick wall, I was actually a few minutes early.

"Dude, I'm early." I said.

Just from behind the bar, I saw Megan peep out with a broken glass in her hand.

"What happened?"

Putting on a soft smile, she stood up and put the glass into the trash can.

"Just slipped out of my hand while washing." she said sleepily.

I walked up to her and helped her clean up. After brushing up all the glass, I threw out the remains. She finished up washing the glasses.

"You starting the shift now?" she asked as she wiped her hands in a towel.

"Yeah," I smiled.

"Great. If you don't mind, I'm gonna leave now. I have this party to get to."

With a sigh, I said. "You end your shift in an hour. Can't you wait?"

She took a deep breath, fixing her blonde hair into a ponytail. "Cody... please," she tried.

"Come on! You do this everytime you have some damn party."

We just stood there looking at each other. I hated it when she did this. In that hour I had no one to work with and it got real busy.

"Fine," she huffed. "I'll stay."

I smiled, letting my victory shine.

We stayed behind the bar, cleaning everything up, ready for the rush. I stacked the glassses behind me, on the shelf just above the sink, she took care of the liquor, throwing out the empty bottles and stocking the new ones.

"Open," my boss, Walter chimed.

Our boss opend from four AM to nine AM then Lunch hour, twelve PM to two PM. Then there was night time, six PM to three AM. It's a weird schedule but that's how our bar works.

Walter opened the door, letting in some cool refreshing air. Taking a deep breath, I shut my eyes for just a second. Wally walked to the office inb the back as we waited for customers.

"It's just an hour so don't flip," I laughed.

Megan looked at me, flipping her bangs over her head. She gave me a 'watch it' look, I just smiled.

In a few minutes people started piling in. Some buisness men, others college kids like me. I even caught a glance of people from my school.

"Sherley Temple," a girl smiled.

She looked familiar, her dark blonde hair in her face and her blue blue eyes gazing at my green. I leaned against the counter, resting against my hands.

"Hey," I smiled. "I'm Cody."

"Hi, Oswin."

"Nice name, O-S-W-I-N,"

She giggled, her cheeks flushing a light pink.

"Can I have my Sherley?"

"Yeah," I bounched back off the bar.

I Turn around and started making her drink. Megan was busy dealing with the beer tap, pouring about seven glasses. Finishing up, I topped the drink with an umbrella and turned back around. Oswin looked at the drink full of glee as I handed it to her.

"Thanks Cody,"

"No prob," I smirked.

She took a long sip, her eyes closed and her face glowing. Was this her first drink or something?

"First drink?" I asked.

Placing the glass back down, she wrapped her hands around it.

"Technically it's my first-finally-twenty-one-drink," she smiled.

I chuckled. "When was your birthday?"

Bowing her head, she took a long gulp of her drink.

"Is it today?" I though aloud.

"Kinda..." she looked at the bar, drawing circles with her finger.

Out of this crowded place, I could only see her. Hear her. Even the dude belching next to her didn't bother me.


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696 Reviews


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Sun May 26, 2013 7:29 pm
Audy wrote a review...



Hey Nike!

I really love the casual atmosphere that is evoked, also I think it's an interesting set-up with Cody who works at the bar and this girl seems charismatic/personality, even though we only get a small snippet of it. I'm wondering if you're planning on continuing this?

In either case, I know you wrote it during your writing class, so it's short and sweet and brisk. If you plan on continuing it or expanding on it, my main complaint is to try to intersperse more description within some of the dialogue. You can add descriptions about the surroundings, or even about your characters thoughts, wishes, emotions -- the reason being is because right now, it feels like you have the skeleton down, but we want and need more meat! It's a bunch of talking heads, and not enough development!

Here's a great article that you might like from our knowledge base. It's one I always like to refer to once I'm finished with all of my dialogue writing :) I hope this helps you!

~ as always, Audy




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378 Reviews


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Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:25 pm
Omni wrote a review...



Here to review!

My name is Quest, and I will be reviewing this piece for you, because your piece is in The Green Room, and it is Review day. Two birds with one stone, eh?

So, this review will not be that long, since your piece is not that long to base off of. So let's begin, shall we?

I stepped into the Bar


Hmm, why would 'Bar' be capitalized? It would only be capitalized if it is a proper noun, which would basically mean that it is a name. Otherwise, it really isn't needed.

Well, I can't say much more about this, except that there are some spelling errors. The rest is fine.

I know that this isn't finished, so I won't say anything about the ending, for it isn't actually the ending.

I hope this helped,
Quest




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15 Reviews


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Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:54 am
halfmetal wrote a review...



This is a good start. I love the way you have portrayed Cody. However, I'm not entirely sure where you are trying to take the story. As more is added, that might become more clear. I think there is a lot of potential for the story. The main character has a great personality, and with the proper development, this novel could hit the shelves someday. Keep writing!





I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2