Many people have fears. They come and go like the oxygen in your system. You can't escape it, but you can over come it.
Well, if you over come oxygen, you might just die. So, don't do that. Unless you want to, I can't decide for you there.
Fear is always the benefactor in everything. You can do something until you get scared. Fright grows upon you, crowding up all the hopes and dreams you had.
It's like a nightmare waiting to come to life.
But, sorry to tell you this, you got to get over it someday. Dismiss your fears. Ignore them. Go forth and do what you want or else you'll get to nowhere.
Let me give you an example here, : You have a crush on a boy/girl. You want to tell them, you want their love. But the only problem you've got there is that you don't know if the feeling is mutual. You're too afraid to ask them if they love/like you back.
Everyone has the same problem, even me. I don't like talking about love but that will be a different topic. I loathe it.
You have to push forth and overcome your fear. That's the only way you'll get anywhere in life.
The only way.
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Actually, you'll just pass out and then your body will immediately/automatically start breathing again, but for the purpose of this short story you might as well leave this the way it is.
I took out the word "to" - it was unnecessary.
This was an interesting story, but a slightly overused topic (although I've only mostly seen it in poems).
Other than the bits I pointed out above, I think you did pretty good on this, though you might want to run through and check out all your punctuation another time.
Your flow was ok, it could have been better, which is why I want you to check out your punctuation. And you grammar was fine.
Again, besides the stuff I've already pointed out, I think you did good.
The one thing that bothers me a bit is the example of fear you gave, the "do they have a crush on me?" part. This is an extremely overused sign of fear and you might want to see if you can find something else to use. It would make your story more realistic, interesting (as people are almost always writing about love, but, don't worry, it's a popular topic), and overall less cliche (though, it's not too cliche, don't worry
Good job, here
Keep writing,
Justagirl
Hey Nike,
Well -- although I agree with a lot of things in this piece, I don't really know whether I would class it as fiction or not. It is more like an article, or a blog post. It's fairly well written, but you're telling the reader something rather than showing them a story as you would through fiction.
Still, I'll review it anyway.
I'll point out a few small things first:
I'd change the "over come" to "overcome" -- just one word.
I'm generally a bit iffy with this paragraph. I can't decide what you're actually trying to say. Maybe you could change it to make the meaning a little clearer? To something like:
"Well, if you overcome oxygen, you might just die. So don't do that -- unless you want to. I can't decide for you there."
There aren't really any other points I have to pick with this, as it is quite a short piece. So I'll go back to my original point: I'm really not sure if this is fiction?
Perhaps you could post it in Other instead, and change it to be more suitable for an article or a blog post?
All I'm saying is that it's not really a story, as such. A story needs a plot, characters. And you need to do at least some showing rather than telling, making the reader feel as if they were there.
Still, keep writing, but I'd recommend posting this in a different section of the site.
~MorningMist~