Young Writers Society

Heya, Rubes here with a quick review!

(I am a 13 year old student so some of this may not be your level or exactly the feedback you need but I will try and do my best to push and applaud you in as many ways as i can)

First impressions: I really love the story line here; and even though it is very short, the picturing comes through so vividly. I can see exactly the mental journey the protagonist traveled since the other character became part of them and their life. I love the way in which you convey the feelings of the character through juxtaposing adjectives. For example: Weeping to joyful ect

There is a bleeding heart

Weeping somewhere far out

They are in pain, clearly in mental pain. Not in a good place for definite with misery surrounding every connotation of the word 'life'. It is very clear on their state of mind and where they really are in their head.

Stung and burned that time too

Just had to point this phrase out. You said about having a sudden trust, now you are hurting. Is this relating to pushing people away when you are in a particular stage of sadness in your life? Or something else? Just need you to clear that up.

Let me grant you safety in my arms

Just a nice ending, I really liked it actually! The whole piece was excellent, have a good day/night,
Rubes x

Hello MellyBourne! Incoming review!

I like your poem here and as said in your description, we can't all be the heroes in our own story all the time. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it is key to becoming a better person. With that out of the way, let me critique your work here.

Then it opened, got bit bold

There is a small typo here, I believe. I think it's supposed to be , "...got a bit bold." But there is something about this line that doesn't satisfy. I have found that rhyming cold with bold does not satisfy a rhyme and in my reading experience, it left me on some tension. I would change it to, "Then it opened; Reaped what it sewed." It brings more spice and it's not too predictable in rhyming scheme.

Another thing I have to say about your poem as a whole is that it felt a bit empty. It feels closed off from yourself, when in the description I thought it was going to be more personal. I want to see more personal point of view. Like in this line

There is a bleeding heart

This is your heart.

Barely has more blood to bleed

Wonders why it got so betrayed

You could give the heart some pronouns to give your heart life!

One last thing I saw was in this line

an endless and joyful duet

"An" isn't capitalized here but all your other lines were. I would capitalize it for consistency sake.

Well, I'm done with critiques now, let me praise your work. I like the flow of the poem, I think it's well spaced out to give rise in tension and release.

Don't close or fall apart, little heart

Let me build you back, part by part

Me the hand that hurt you deep

These lines are so dainty and it reminds me of a villian who has been wrecking havoc but notices in their wake, they've hurt someone they love. They try and try to put them back together with the softest touch possible but they know it was their hands that hurt and they don't trust themselves to heal. It's so beautiful.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of this useful! I hope to see you improve even more as a writer! Anyway byeeeeeeeeee<33

Hey there! Forever here for a review!
This was an awesome poem.
A few suggestions

Then i opened, got bit bold

Maybe write it as: 'Then it opened, it got a bit bold'
It puts more emphasis and add that a

Me the hand that hurt you deep

Put a comma after me

Your little heart beats harder for me

Write it as heartbeats

Now, let me interpret the poem.

There is a bleeding heart

Weeping somewhere far out

Once so closed and so cold

Then it opened, got bit bold

So this talks about your heart. At a time, it was very cold and close. I didn't really understand this close-far thing. Maybe it means that it and you were friends at a time. Then, due to some incidence, the friendship broke. It seemed so far from you even when it was within yourself. The fourth line makes me think of the word close in a different way. It was an introvert or something like that and then it became an extrovert. Maybe it has a double meaning.😀

Looked at me with eyes of trust

Stung and burned that time too

Barely has more blood to bleed

Wonders why it got so betrayed

This probably means that it had trusted you but it got betrayed. It was so hurt that it couldn't take anymore. It was hurt before too. It was tired of being hurt.

So tired of always acting strong

Don't close or fall apart, little heart

Let me build you back, part by part

Me the hand that hurt you deep

Yeah, facade... Wearing a false mask. Here, u also show us one more truth. We hurt our heart so much and then try to heal. Whenever, it doesn't we blame it... Poor heart, I feel sad for it.

saw the truth, now I see

Your little heart beats harder for me

Than my desires and lust ever could

Let me tie it strong to mine

Right. After reading this, I went back to re-read the poem. After reading this, I understood that you were talking about someone else's heart and not yours. U represent that person by their heart.

Make each next beat, and our steps

an endless and joyful duet

With no mention of past sins

Let us be happy ever since

Let me grant you safety in my arms

Right. You want that person back and forget all the past. And live a happy life.

Overall, this was an awesome poem. I enjoyed reading it.
Keep it up!
~Forever