Finding Home

The artificial lights were harsh and blinding compared to the dim orange lights that lined the streets outside. There was a faint buzzing sound coming from a light fixture overhead and it was making my head pound. I wandered up and down the aisles while I kept my eye on the cashier. He was sitting behind the counter, wearing ratty clothes. He smelt of cigar smoke and alcohol. But I guess it didn’t matter since he was working at a small gas station convince store. Who was really going to see him and care what he looked like?I was desperate to find everything I needed. I could hear the police cars echoing down the street, getting closer and closer in their pursuit to find a killer. I shivered. Were they still searching for me… or had they moved onto the real killer?

A news broadcast blared over the old TV that hung from a wall behind the cash register. A pretty lady with shoulder length brown hair spoke in an even, yet insist tone. Someone had killed six police officers and injured over twelve out on 52nd street. An investigation was under way on the whereabouts of the killer. There was a search party out for the suspect. Officials believed that it was the same person who had killed the three young men outside of a school dance.I watched the broadcast with wide, frightened eyes. Turning, I saw my reflection in the glass where the milk was stored. I looked different. I couldn’t be sure that who I saw in the reflection, was actually me.I turned away from the glass and looked back at the TV. It would only be a matter of time before they were able to dig up a picture. I was sure of it. I had to get out there. I had to go home.

I grabbed a pocket knife from a shelf and slipped it into the pocket of my hoodie. The cardboard around the cool metal felt hard and traitorous. I was positive the man would be able to see it. I didn’t like it, but I knew I had no choice. Slowly I walked to the cash register. I felt like a criminal walking death row. He would see the knife, a picture of me would flash onto the screen, and it would be too late. His beady black eyes would take one look at me and turn me in.

The lights above my head flickered more noticeably as my panic began to rise. My stomach lurched as it built inside of me. He was going to turn me in. I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

Cold, harsh adrenaline made my veins hum with energy and a strange calm fell over my features. Though my heart still fluttered, I couldn’t hear it ricocheting inside of my head anymore. The over head lights swayed on their mounts and flickered feverishly, but I wasn’t paying it much attention. My eyes were turned to the man behind the counter. He hadn’t looked at me yet, he was too engrossed in the broadcast. I didn’t want to speak, I didn’t want to be heard, I just wanted to get out of there and go home. It didn’t bother me that he hadn’t even noticed me come into the store. It just meant that I could get out without too much attention.

I walked past the cash register, my shoulders hunched and my head lowered. I don’t know what took his attention from the broadcast, but the man turned slowly, as if he were expecting a monstrous beast to be behind him. He’d see me in no time.

When he saw it was only me, he visibly relaxed. “Hey you…” I stood still, my blood pumping through my ears. He knew. Oh god, he knew. He was going to turn me in.

I waited for him to respond, to continue speaking, but a description was being voiced over the broadcast in a monotonic voice. I looked over to the TV, not letting my eyes fall on the man behind the counter. A familiar face looked back at me. He was wearing a suit and tie, and another man in matching clothes stood a little behind him. I had seen them in the dark basked in the orangey glow of a streetlight when all those poor men died. I could see them clearly now, though I couldn’t have then. Yet somehow, they had seen me clearly, and were now telling the pretty lady with the shoulder length brown hair, what I looked like.

“We have reason to believe that the killer is a female about five foot five with long blonde hair. The suspect has been injured severely and will be seeking out aid. Be on the lookout for an injured, solitary girl. If you see her, do not try to apprehend her on your own. We believe she is highly dangerous and armed. Please, call the number on your screen and tell us where and when you saw her. We are doing all that we can to make sure she sees justice. Thank you.”

The cashier was looking at the TV screen, his side profile just as unappealing as seeing him head on. He had liver spots all over his creased skin and looked like a lost toad standing there. I headed to the door, not waiting for him to continue with whatever he was about to say. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. But if I ran out he’d know I was up to something strange, and alert the man on the TV. I couldn’t give myself up like that. Not after getting away. I just had to take it one step at a time.

I took a step forward. One foot in front of the other. One step, then two steps.

Thump thump.

Three steps. Four steps. Five steps.

Thump thump.

Almost there… “Wait stop…”

Thump thump. Thump thump.

He saw the knife in my pocket. That had to be it. He saw the knife in my pocket and then looked at me, just as the description processed in his mind and he made the connection. My fingers felt numb. I couldn’t breathe. The lights started flickering again and swaying but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

He knew.

The man came over to me, and grabbed my shoulder, yanking me around to face him. I yelped as the lights above us exploded into thousands of shards of glass. Sparks jumped out from where the bulbs had burst.

Thump thump.

“What the hell…?” The man didn’t release, me but his attention was elsewhere. He was looking up. He didn’t notice the shards of glass lift off the floor. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t bring myself to make a sound.

Thump thump.

The shards raced forward, sinking and burrowing into the man’s meaty flesh. Blood splattered, staining the white linoleum floor. His eyes widened and he looked at me. They glistened with moisture. I watched his life flash before his eyes. Blood, like a fine mist, sprayed out from his body when glass slit his throat.

Thump thump.

His limp body crashed to the floor and I was calm. I was calm and cold and just as dead as his eyes that looked up at me… accusingly.

Thump thump.

All I heard in the silence was the faint popping of sparks jumping from the light fixture above. Then the quiet was broken by a raspy voice from the TV. That man’s face was back on the screen as the video feed played back for a second time. His hair was brown but gray at the temples, and his eyes were cold and harsh. I didn’t like him and I didn’t want to be found by him. Luckily… the only man able to turn me in, was dead.

“We have reason to believe that the killer is a female about five foot five with long blonde hair. The suspect has been injured severely and will be seeking out aid. Be on the lookout for an injured, solitary girl. If you see her, do not try to apprehend her on your own. We believe she is highly dangerous and armed. Please, call the number on your screen and tell us where and when you saw her. We are doing all that we can to make sure she sees justice. Thank you.”

The mysterious man continued speaking. He was saying I had done all those terrible things, but I hadn’t. How could I do so much damage when I didn’t even have a weapon? He thought I did, but I didn’t.I flinched upon hearing that the suspect had potential life threatening injuries. I remembered I had injuries that needed to be looked at too. I just couldn’t remember how I had gotten them. All I remembered was the excruciating pain that had coursed through my body while I ran. My vision was blurry as I looked at the screen, my head light. I needed help. It was a welcomed relief that the lights had stopped flickering and buzzing.

I stepped over the dead man and headed to the door. I saw myself in the door’s window; my face was blank and calm and blood was smeared across my cheek. I didn’t care. I shoved open the door and hurried out into the cool night air, where the lights were dim and orangey. I passed a port-a-potty on my way down the street. It was just sitting there in the darkness. I cringed. I hated port-a-potties, they were nothing but germ infested closet spaces. I slowed as I felt the heavy weight of the pocket knife in my jacket. I had to do it.

I slipped into the dark, smelly space and yanked the door firmly closed behind me. I didn’t have much time. The body would eventually be found. I had to be long gone by then. I couldn’t breathe as I thought about what had happened in the store. I couldn’t explain it, so I didn’t try; I just slipped the knife from my pocket. With shaky fingers I tore off the cardboard and flipped open the knife. I had to do it. I had no choice.

Whimpering, I began chopping at my hair. The long white strands fell to the floor like feathers. They lay limp and dead on the floor of the port-a-potty, as dead and lifeless as the man inside the convince store.I closed my eyes and continued hacking at my hair. I didn’t stop and I didn’t open my eyes until I couldn’t feel anymore of the long wispy strands. I looked at my clenched fist where the last of it withered away. I felt dead and buried. This was all happening so fast. I hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. I dropped the hair and watched it flutter to the ground, joining the pile on the floor. I heard sirens in the distance. It was time to go.

I looked up briefly into the cracked, warped mirror to see what had become of my hair. I didn’t know the face looking back at me. I had shifted into something else entirely, something completely alien to myself. I couldn’t recognize who I was or what I had become. I was a stranger, a new person. But it didn’t matter. I turned to the pile of hair on the floor and gathered it all up in my arms. It was time to bury my old self and move on. I dumped it into the smelly hole, and then turned to leave. I didn’t look at myself again before I robotically unlocked the door and stepped outside into the night. The sirens were louder now. It was time to go home.