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12+ Violence

SHE

by Nightk


I’m in a battle and i need to win,

i have to win, my inner me doesn't want to lose

but a part of me have given up so easy

its like my life has no meaning she said.

I’m healthy i sometimes feel so wealthy she said

there is a thing inside of me a battle a war inside of my head

between my heart, soul and mind ... some times i pray to God with my arms

open but it's really hard.

"it is all gonna be alright " i tell myself sometimes

but i know i keep telling myself when this lies when I’m a broken wreck

suicide thoughts is all i get, but I’m afraid of Death

this voice keeps speaking to me , i always seem not to understand a

word it says. Vetitum is what is must be said.

i sometimes feel like i have drapetomania.

its kinda weird

but she is gonna forever say "i got this" even with tears in her eyes


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Reviews: 41

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Mon Jun 28, 2021 2:03 am
MayCupcake wrote a review...



Hey, Nightk!
Here's a review for you today!

I’m in a battle and i need to win,

i have to win, my inner me doesn't want to lose

but a part of me have given up so easy

its like my life has no meaning she said.


The flow of this works very well and seems to bring more meaning with it. It's a little strange to me that the pronoun "I" isn't capitalized anywhere except once or twice. Also, the fact that only the first sentence is capitalized is strange to me, but that could be just a stylistic choice.

I think that the sentences could be broken up a little more to provide more emphasis, so I'm going to try something down here. -->

(")I’m in a battle and i need to win(.)

i have to win(.)

my inner me doesn't want to lose,

but a part of me (has) given up so (easily.)

its like my life has no meaning(.") she said.

(")I’m healthy(.) i sometimes feel so wealthy(.") she said(.)

(")there is a thing inside of me(.) a battle(.) a war inside my head

between my heart, soul and mind(.)

sometimes i pray to God

with my arms open(,) but it's really hard.

(')it is all gonna be alright(' i've said before,)

but i know i keep telling myself (these) lies when I’m a broken wreck(.)

(suicidal) thoughts is all i get, but I’m afraid of Death(.)

this voice keeps speaking to me,

(though) i always seem to not understand a word it says.

Vetitum is what must be said.

i sometimes feel like i have drapetomania.(")

its kinda weird(,)

but she is gonna forever say "i got this" even with tears in her eyes(.)


I also put quotes around some places because when I got to the third person places, it threw off the flow a little bit without the slight pause before.

Anyways, I thought this was beautifully worded despite it being focused on such a dark and existential topic. I hope your friend is doing ok. Depression is a difficult thing to go through and it's important to know there are people there and to not always look at the bad side of things. On another note, based off of this work I feel like she would have a knack for writing poetry.




Nightk says...


Thank you a lot for the review. I'll fix things up next time.



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184 Reviews


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Sun Jun 27, 2021 6:49 pm
chikara wrote a review...



Hello there Nightk!

Ah this is really meaningful, and works with meaning are always my favourite because there are so many sides to them. I wouldn't call this an essay because it doesn't fit any kind of format and topic criteria, but I do believe it could work as a poem or something under that general umbrella if you were to want to call it that.

Now, let's get into the review~

I’m in a battle and i need to win,

i have to win, my inner me doesn't want to lose


I know you're taking words that your friend has said and probably not chopping them apart, so it's going to be hard to place them together for writing. I do want to point out that the beginning line is basically restated too soon in my opinion, because "need" and "have" are similar words that hold basically the same kind of meaning.

"my inner me doesn't want to lose" is a good line for something like this because it shows a kind of determination. I would say that cutting out the "i have to win" and reworking the way everything would lay together after doing so would be the best thing.

its like my life has no meaning she said.


I like the idea of adding phrases like "she said" or something to show that there's someone narrating her story like this one, but with no actual way to tell if that's happening or if she just said "she said" when talking about herself, it gets hard. There's obviously a lot happening, or well not happening, with punctuation anyway.

I personally don't like the lack of apostrophes and commas when it's necessary like this, as the way things are spelled and grammatically placed affects what it means as a word. Like the word "its" means something belongs to that thing, when "it's" is a contraction used to shorten the phrase of "it is" or even "it has." Small things can make such a difference in some cases, so I don't think that's the best choice.

"it is all gonna be alright " i tell myself sometimes


See? Now there's quotes here, when there wasn't any around the "she said" before. I'm a little confused about that because like you said, this is made up of things that your friend has said, so that can be seen in the wrong way possibly.

I don't have any other comments! Nice work!

Cheers!




Nightk says...


Thank you a lot for reviewing my work. I am glad you enjoyed it, also thank you for the fixes.




"The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings. It is a sad spectacle to see the weaklings bruised, exhausted, fluttering back to earth."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening