Published April 1, 2008
Again, something from awhile ago that I took another look at. Fortune:
Halt for love,
But stop for fear;
Never will you
Find hope here!
Love to live
But hope to die!
Watch the scene
Before your eyes.
Your future’s fortune
I give to you.
I know not what
You’re now to do.
Look around
And you will find:
Lost love leaving
You behind.
Halt for love
But stop for fear;
In your dreams
Your hope is near!
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I'm not really a fan of this all together... it's too forced and a lot of it doesn't add up. You should probably scrap this idea as each stanza doesn't link with the other... I hate how I have to stop after two lines, it's such an unatural pause :/. I who also encourage hope, just don't like the end either. It's too cut up... I feel like it's basically five lines now. Overall: I'm sure you could do better and don't try to mimic the great until you've mastered the training ground. Poetry shouldn't be rushed, nor should ya limit it when the idea could so much be so much better expressed in better structure. The idea is good, the structure... nah...
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Op Critical - Wounded
via FoxyTunes
The structure there was pretty fantastic and I liked how you set it up. You managed your line breaks pretty darn good in this one because the rthym flows nicely--not perfectly, I would say, but enough to make a good impression. I also like the subject matter. You took something extremely cliche and made it fresh in my eyes.
Amazing. I really liked this. No errors. Rhyming and rhyming is very well done. Excellent work. Keep it up!
-Rick.
I see what you're trying to do with the beat, and I think for the most part you got it right. However, you got that part right at the expense of the poem.
Working within a forced structure is extremely hard to do; even for the greats. What's great though is that you're continuing to work on this poem, which you should continue to do. But what you have to do now is make sure your lines don't sound forced.
I would also take another look at your choice of words and sentence structure; it's quite confusing. Each stanza seems too random; there is just very little connecting them. Even within each stanza, the lines sound random except for their sound. Take this for example:
Love to live
But hope to die!
Watch the scene
Before your eyes.
Your future’s fortune
I give to you.
I know not what
You’re now to do.
Hope to die? When one is longing to live, they usually don't hope to die. They aren't afraid of death, but they aren't going to bed every night thinking, "Gee, I hope I die tonight."
Watch the scene? What scene? Life? But if you're watching it, how are you supposed to live it?
Your future's fortune just comes out of the blue. And then the line 'I know not what...' is awkward since it trips up the reader. It's also quite odd because just before you're saying that the person is giving you your fortune, so I would assume they do know what you are about to do.
But, keep working on it. It's important not to give up!