the storm has passed and the soil is heavy
sunlight flickers, filters, falls through summer leaves
fluttering outside the fourth floor window
"it is too cold in here" he tells us, biting his lip,
so they hand him a stiff blanket that smells of bleach.
humidity fogs the window
sanitizer burns my nostrils
his black hair is tousled, and our fingers tangle as we gather game cards
his lips are pink as the scar sliced thin
blue tubes sprout like summer flowers from his wrists, he pulls at them
the sun glints off his glasses
he laughs and raises a small fist
"i win!"
tubes blue lips pink hair black
i want my brother back
"girls don't kiss boys," he tells me when i bend forward-
though i am his sister-
he smirks, but gives in too fast for it to count.
i'm in the hall when i hear him bid goodbye
(it's the 15th time)
"i love you, my sister.
see you tomorrow."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
YES I LOVE THIS
You have a nice rhythm starting in the next line, but I think you can start it in this one. If you just change that "and" to a semi-colon, I think the rhythm would work much better. It's got a loose, bouncy feel to it that I really enjoy.It's delicate and heavy and standing on the edge of something greater than it really is. It's on the horizon, way out there. But it's so close, like touching the wall right in back of me. Cool and rough and wonderful.
All right so this is going to be a super nitpicky review because I really like this.
I like this line except for "summer." It gives us a time, but it doesn't really give us as much of an image as if you described a bit of what color or shape or even if they were withering with heat or something. You can give us a setting without telling it to us. Give us something like "sunlight flickers, filters, falls through thirsty leaves" or something. Give us a little something different.
I have an issue with dialogue tags in poetry. While this isn't too obtrusive, I still think that you could give us a little more of an illustrative dialogue tag than "tells." You add an action at the end, and I wonder if you could combine the two together? Perhaps something like "he shivers through bitten lips."
This is what I'm talking about when I say you can give us setting without telling us. While I kinda know what's actually going on because I keep updated on your stuff, I could easily infer that this place is utilitarian and trapping, and that he doesn't really want to be there. Like, dang gurl this is a good line.
This is long. Which is not bad, but I feel like it interrupts your jive. I think you could connect the images in this line more-- something like "our fingers tangle, gathering game cards, tousling his black hair." It's a bit more abstract, but it takes us through a process rather than just like, "this happened, and also this."
THe rest of it is just really nice and simple and heartbreaking and it just gets me because of that longing in there. You really did a good job of allowing your emotion to color this piece. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting, and happy review day!
Thank you!
Well we'll my little Zootopia sorry if I
Spelled it wrong but there are a few things I would like to say
And that is you need to tell me what
You mean when you say I win because to
Me right now I don't think I understand but if you
Tell me in the future please let me know.
There are some other things I would like to
Say like you need to kelp writing and tell me if you
Are going to write a new poem if so let me know
I would live to read it and write a long review about it.
Other than that one thing I told you about that is all
I have to say for now.
Your humble servant,
PusheenTheCat
Not helpful. Please review for real next time.
Hi Night,
Your first line lies heavy on my chest and I love it. I haven't read the rest of the poem yet, I just had to express how lovely I find it as a first line, as an introduction. The next best line is "tubes blue lips pink hair black" it's beautiful and minimalist and perfect.
I think your poem is sweet and touching and at the moment only barely meets the beauty of that initial line. The first stanza is the best, though I really mean the first three lines of the first stanza because while this is a narrative poem I don't think you'd lose anything by taking out the second two lines. We get a better sense of the scene immediately in the first two lines of the second stanza, and they're better lines.
I want to suggest in the second stanza, fourth line, to have "the scar sliced thin" because it's a sharper image and the line is at the moment a little clunky, not too noticeably so but it took me two reads to understand it fully. I think in this second stanza you could probably again lose the last two lines without too much detriment to what your poem is saying.
Third stanza I'm super happy to read, I love the first line and the rhyme works with the second line without any awkwardness or trouble. The rest of the lines are solid and sweet. The same goes with the the final stanza. It is sweet and soft and works really nicely. I'd go as far as to suggest a time or date stamp instead of the 15th time, but that's aesthetics, I just like the sudden look of numbers in a poem. The numbers here do work well regardless.
I'd like to say that you can of course ignore everything I've said here. I'm into cutting poems into thinner ribbons, giving impressions as well as images and that's often not what a poet may be going for. I do think my suggestions will give you a tighter poem that has more impact but it's definitely about how you feel the narrative should be expressed.
I've really enjoyed reading this though, thank you so much for posting.
- Penguin.
Thanks for this amazing review! It's incredibly helpful. I appreciate it and I'm pleased you like the poem!
hello night! I'm writing this on my phone so pardon any mistakes!
This is a beautiful poem. Even moreso because I know the story behind it. But I read the poem to my parents (because I really like it) and they could get the gist of what is going on too. And they like it as well c:
your pacing is perfect and the last stanza paired with the title just makes my heart ache.
This poem is both fantastic and personal. so anything I point out is 100% optional and personal-opinion-based.
I think the line "I want to give him the world" is a bit cliche. I'd remove it or replace it.
"when i bend forward
though i am his sister
he smirks,"
this feels like it needs a comma to me.
"our fingers tangle"
one thing that I think might be a little misleading for those who don't know the story offhand is that this is your brother. you make it abundantly clear later on, but I was afraid that my parents would think it was a romantic love poem that I was reading to them. maybe slide that detail in a little sooner?
I like the alliteration in the first stanza, but it was a little hard to read out loud. XD
"blue tubes pink lips hair black"
I thought it was weird that it went color noun color noun noun color. I mean, it works fine, but I did notice it.
But really,the poem was so clear and concrete and emotional. It was lovely. I'm glad you were able to get something so beautiful out of this experience.
always keep writing! I hope this review helped.
~fortis
Hey fort! Thanks so much for the review. I'm honored that you showed it to your parents and that you liked it. I appreciate the feedback and I'll take it into account! Thanks again!