Young Writers Society

I really like this poem. I love how abstract and heartfelt it is. I would read more. I like that you made the choice to not really finish each line completely, so that they all blend together. It works really well. I love the verse ii; it's really great, and true for many things. I also love iv. I can't exactly explain why I love it, but especially: and feels the throbbing pain of a harsh bright impassive world. Just a fantastic part. The last line (is a sick one) is just wonderful too, as it ties the whole thing together. Were you writing about something in particular? A true event maybe, that made you feel all of this? I don't know, but it feels like it came straight from your heart. Truly excellent writing!
-ChloeJoelle

I'm not a believer in smalltalk before a review. I'll keep this brief because I'm sleepy, but this gripped me rather viciously and I'd like to examine why.

Your weakest points in the entire piece are the first and second stanzas, as they build star imagery that, while nice, doesn't feel connected to the cold meat of the poem until the very final cadence when describing the world as throbbing and impassive. It's for this reason that I don't think that the two stanzas should be removed, but definitely altered in a way that allows us a taste of content connectivity in preparation for the throat-cut at the end.

Furthermore, I would examine the line swirling roiling twirling and consider whether the playfulness of rhyme is really appropriate for your purpose here, or rather for the ambiance that you've achieved.

In stanza two, I think it's worth noting that stars do not just sear scorch burn up close. They consume. They engulf in nuclear flame. They are powerful and careless giants and I think you could accomplish a much more potent image if you were more accurate with the nature of stars in the first place.

iii. is the obvious and critical sweet spot for piece before the throat-cut, but it doesn't really GET me until the second half:

he's
part of an evolution of
man and nature and everything that
leaves
children
behind
and regrets
nothing.

Hey Epic here

First off I think this poem is great, you have explained what you are trying to say well and I understood it.

First thing, there are no capital letters, I do recommend adding them in. The title also hasn't got capital letters in it (which it should). You have little punctuation and in the fourth stanza there is zero punctuation. I don't know if it's just me being really bad at poetry but I didn't really understand the third stanza at all, my eyes just glided over the words with out reading it because I didn't really get what it's about.

Overall I think this is a great poem, I hope I helped you.
Keep writing

EPICnumber1~~