This was for a contest I took part in, enjoy.
They say that whatever doesn't kill you can only make you feel stronger, but I don't believe that. I mean, I have nearly been killed on several occasions, both physically and mentally, and everytime, I feel weak and alone, falling down into a black hole of despair. But, everything that does kill me makes me feel human, alive and well. I don't understand it. When I was seven, I survived a car crash that killed my parents. That made me feel weak, the recovery from my injuries. But the thing that killed me was the death of my parents. I was lost, unsure of myself. Then I thought, I'll make them proud, and my life had new meaning. I concentrated harder at school than I had ever done before, I forced myself to make new friends and meet them often out of school. I was alive. I was a regular kid, not the recluse I was before my parents' death. Other kids bullied me, calling me a "good for nothing orphan", or saying "You have no money, you're just living off the care home," and I'd be losing sleep every night crying. Yet, something nagged at me. Forget money, count the stars instead, for they are limitless, and will always be yours. So I did. I left the dollars to the people who wanted to count them, and I started counting stars instead. My life has only gone up from my childhood. It is like I was drowning, but now I want to fly. So, now, I just think, everything that kills me only makes me feel alive.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
If this is nonfiction, my heart goes out to you.
If this is fiction, then it needs to be longer! If you fleshed it out, it could be a novella.
Okay, it's time for the couple of big complaints.
1. "Everytime" should be "every time".
2. "That made me feel weak, the recovery from my injuries" could easily be condensed into "the recovery from my injuries made me feel weak".
Overall, though, I liked this! Counting Stars is a great song.
Hey! Here for a review from the contest. Hopefully this will be helpful to you ^_^
You had "Counting Stars" and I must say I really like how you incorporated the song into your story. You took the route of taking the actual lyrics and went more literal. I must admit that where you put some of the lyrics in could have used a little more smoothing over, but overall you did a pretty great job.
As for grammar I see nothing pressing. No misspelled words or missing apostrophes but you tend to use a lot of commas where periods could go. In a piece like this that's more straightforward combined with the fact that it was first person, it could have used shorter sentences. This may just be my personal opinion.
Your story flow was also very nice. You had a catchy beginning that I really liked and overall it flowed fairly nicely. I would just look over some things because where you put the lyrics, at times they seemed a bit random. If you elaborate a little more on the lyrics you put in then it might seem less random.
Now as for voice, I felt like I got to see a lot of you in here, not through the plot but by the way you wrote this. Your voice shone through well, as for your character they were a little muffled. Give them more attitude, whether it be sassy, pitiful, ordinary, you need to make it just a bit clearer.
Overall this was a spectacular piece of work and I really enjoyed reading it. Honestly you have potential, and if you just focus on flow a little more and your characters you will be spot on! Keep up the great writing!
Sushi
Ohh.
This is a very short story...
I like how you rephrased the "what kills you makes you stronger" phrase. I absolutely hate it, because it doesn't make me feel stronger sometimes. It makes me want to curl up and die sometimes.
One thing that I didn't understand was, why 7? If that happened to someone so young, most of the time the impact is negative. I guess that's what makes this piece so powerful. The school reference is kind of bland, because who needs to try in elementry school? I know I didn't, but I guess some people are different. I think a better age would be 10 or 11. However, since it's your story, it can be any age.
I really do like it. It's very sad and inspiring. Stories like these can turn comedies into tragedies.
This is..... AMAZING! *0*
Good Job!
I really liked how you explained why everything that kills you makes you feel alive. It's really awesome! How you write it and stuff is epic! I like how you add in the child's thoughts. "I'll make them proud" Made me like: WOAH! Epic!
I also like this sentence:
"It is like I was drowning, but now I want to fly." Loved that simile and I just really liked it. It's hard explaining, but I just like it
I also like how you ended the story ended.
"So, now, I just think, everything that kills me only makes me feel alive."
Ending the story of what you thought at the beginning. Just awesome.
But I thought you could've added a paragraph or two.
You could have made a paragraph inbetween "I don't understand it." and "When I was seven," Because you are now talking about the past of how it all started - Parents getting killed in a car crash.
And the other paragraph could have been at: "and my life had new meaning." and "I concentrated harder at school" Because you are now talking about how to make the parents proud.
Other than that, I don't see any grammar mistakes. :3
This story is really good and motivational
-Gabbi-
Was it a rule that the story had to very short? I like this a lot and you managed to convey a lot of emotion and time into this one small piece, but I feel like there is so much more for the narrator to say. I really like when the speaker begins to talk about counting stars. How you phrased that is absolutely beautiful. You could revise this and add more so that is a fuller-length short story? I'd love to read more.