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Our Little Time Together

by NightFury1210


A small time

Full of happiness, fun and joy

With shared secrets 

And lots to say,

Our little time together.

Mistakes forgiven

Fights forgotten

Every time starting all over again

With smiles on our faces and in our hearts,

Our beautiful time together.

Building castles in the air

Day dreaming about a time that hasn't arrived yet

An unending love for each other

Feeling ecstatic with glee,

Our dreamy time together.

Then the suspicions arrive

We try to push them away

Feelings fight to change 

We fight back to keep them the same way,

Our uncertain time together.

Finally we break

Fights start and don't end

Mistakes made and never forgiven

Worst fears come true,

Our hateful time together.

Irritated with each other

Shouting and screaming all day 

An utter loss of hope 

A need to end it all.

Our last time together.

Separated and devastated

Thinking about it everyday and all day

Unable to forget

Constantly asking ourselves the same thing over and over again,

Will we ever again have a time together?


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216 Reviews


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Reviews: 216

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Sun Mar 27, 2016 3:20 pm
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This was really beautiful. I loved it!




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26 Reviews


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Sun Mar 27, 2016 10:00 am
KittyMew wrote a review...



I love the poem so much :) I like how you start and how it ends. Very very very fascinating :) It made me think that there are so much time, but you never know when or how long the relationship would last. That's why there is a question, "Will we ever again have a time together?"

Yes, many relationships doesn't last long. Although it's rare to find a couple that have long relationship. Communication is always the problem when it comes to relationship. They would never communicate. Not based on my experience though, but I've seen and heard a lot of couples breaking up because of communication breakdown.

Nicely written. Great job. Hope to see more of your poems :)






Thank You so much :)



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Sun Mar 27, 2016 12:52 am
TZH says...



Hey dear!
I love your penning. The way you carved the words its nice. But it lacks That ayention through which aperson can relate to ownself . But its just like a story. I hope you get what I want to say. Keep writing. Stay blessed !






Thank you! Yes, I got it. :)
I was trying for the story effect. Glad I managed it.



TZH says...


Great! Blessings ! :-)



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Sun Mar 27, 2016 12:07 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there NightFury1210! Niteowl here to leave a quick review on this poem.

Overall, I feel like you have a decent story structure, but I feel like you could do more with it. I like the ambiguity of the ending, how after all the ups and downs of the story, there's still perhaps some desire to be together.

Where I think this piece could be more interesting is in specificity. Right now, it feels like it could apply to anyone. I prefer pieces with a stronger voice, that show relatable emotions but that use their own images and metaphors to build something that only that author could have written. Ideally, a poem should show emotions and make the reader feel something instead of just saying those emotions.

Also, I wasn't a fan of the way you used punctuation in this piece. I know there's more freedom in this area in poetry, but you have long chunks without commas, which makes it especially awkward to read out loud. Generally, I suggest punctuating poetry like you would prose unless you have a really good reason not to.

Overall, I like the idea of this, but I feel like you could take it to the next level with stronger imagery. Keep writing! :D






Thank you for the suggestions! I will definitely work on the areas you have mentioned. I hope to write better next time.



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Sat Mar 26, 2016 11:06 pm
sympathyforshadows wrote a review...



Hi!

First of all, wow! The journey this poem takes the reader on is certainly a tumultuous but relatable one!

The structure is great. The anaphora in the the repetition of the phrase "Our [...] together" is very successful in giving the poem a natural flow and in carrying the reader along the narrative.
You capture the sequence of emotion created in the disintegration of a relationship perfectly, especially that of insecurity, anger and nostalgia.

Perhaps to improve, you could try to use more literary techniques, such as alliteration. Furthermore, a wider range of imagery could create a more in depth, captivating poem.

Overall, good job!






Thank you for your encouraging review! Yes, literary techniques don't come to me very easily, but I'll definitely work on them.




Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri