Crows often ask me – “How’d it feel
to be unreal for such a time?” Stark, morbid birds’
eyes always glint while they seek stories of my death.
Beneath the trees I tell them all; each detail
neither large
nor small – each knowless now recount once more until
they softly fly back home.
Warped trees congregate in the woods:
they could be misseen for scarred men. My hands
explore
their wounded bark; gently I say “I see, I know,”
I saw, I knew, it’s all the same, it comes to what
already came – it all falls down to rustling leaves
that bow
to heavy summer rain.
Clouds sometimes lead me to forget
to let it fall and not evade the warm attack or cold
embrace:
they lose me in their endless grey. They follow me –
I scan the sky; I try to wish the oceans dry
by shedding each tear I can find: fall very quiet
with long-closed eyes.
Dreams never ask me – “Where’d you go?"
They know not but they seldom care,
always faithful in my return.
We need be neither here nor there:
it rarely matters in the end.
Everything finds a quiet place
to deeply rest – even the rain.
At least for just a little while
before it starts to fall again.
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139,028 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hello there Niebla, The Silent Bagpipe here for a quick review of your work. It wont be much of a review, since your poem is almost already perfection but I shall try my best.
First off I shall start with the structure of the poem then move onto my thoughts, like I always do lol
- Your poem was very well done grammar wise, yet it lacked something in its structure. They way you lined it made it look less professional (which is totally okay but I just thought I would let you know). As an example of what I am trying to tell you Ill take a piece of your work and show you the difference it makes my way and your way.
*Note - you may or may not have meant to do this on purpose, some people like to. My opinion though is to make it less messy. It is fine the way it is if you like it that way, I just thought I would give you my personal opinion. Here we go!
You wrote -
I saw, I knew, it’s all the same, it comes to what
already came – it all falls down to rustling leaves that bow
to heavy summer rain.
I would have wrote it -
I saw, I knew, its all the same,
It comes to what already came -
it falls down to rustling leaves that bow to the heavy summer rain.
Whatever you want to do is absolutely fine!
On to my thoughts on the subject of your poem - I loved the subject of the poem, and it sparked something in me that related to me - which is the best thing I find in someone's poem, as I have said many times before. Your poem reached out to me, grabbed me in its claw and wont let go. Beautifully written, you did a very good job with it! Congrats!!
That is all I have to write, thank you for your poem!
The Silent Bagpipe
Niebla, this is now my favorite poem that I've ever read on this site. I love the line " “I see, I know,”
I saw, I knew, it’s all the same, it comes to what already came – it all falls down to rustling leaves that bow to heavy summer rain."
This poem has a great structure, flow, rhyme scheme, rhythm, word choice, voice...I have to say I love all of it. This is something I would love to print out on a giant poster and frame on a wall in my room. I think of my room as my quiet place. The last stanza really resonates with me. Also love the line about dreams. To be honest, I could go on and on praising this poem without offering anything constructive.
I was also confused by the word "knowless" but the definition on urban dictionary is "to have no knowledge of." Though I've never heard of the word before, I believe language is organic and constantly evolving, so I'm down for going with it!
I think fantasydragon01 makes a good point about the tear shedding line.
I have nothing else to add. Lovely poem.
- Dream.
Hi!
) But I liked "Between storms".
Only 4 nitpicks. That's good. Keep practicing. I think you did a great job. You are a very talented person. Good luck and keep writing!!! If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. I would be more than happy to answer.
I like this poem. It was very confusing, because I am not used to songs and poems that are written like this, without the "beats per line and the rhyme after every line". It was not my cup of tea. (*drinks tea*
Now, I have some nitpicks for you. (I know!!!! no one likes nitpicks. We all expect our works to be perfect, but the truth is: no one isn't perfect. (I wanted to say "ain't" but I stopped myself))
1. I don't think "knowless" is a real word. If so, what does it mean.
2. "Gently I say..." You should add a comma after "say"
3. "I try to wish the ocean dry by shedding each tear I can find..." I do not think that this made sense. You want the ocean dry, so don't try to shed tears ( aka water--I hope this makes sense). That way, the ocean will in time be dry. (Now, really, I don't think you can dry up oceans by preventing tears. In reality, it's not like that. But this is a work of fiction. I understand that and it's an excuse)
4. Dreams never ask me -'where'd you go?' I think you should have ended it with another quotation mark, as you did not. Otherwise, it would kinda seem that the rest of the poem is being quoted by Dreams.
Now, now, don't worry. I'm just being friendly here!!!
fantasydragon01
...
"Grammar and descriptions do not finish a book. Perseverance does." Anonymous.
"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to do is decide to do with the time that is given you." Gandalf. The Lord of the Rings. The Fellowship of the Ring. I love this quote. It's so inspiring. I hope it inspires you!!!!