Young Writers Society

First impressions of this caused me to question the structure. It isn't very well thought out, it almost seems ignored in your haste to deepen the theme of a psychopath. My eyes were at once met with a wall of text, without correct punctuation, full stops and commas.

Don't think that these details aren't important, because they are. Just look at the difference in the flow now that I've re-worked the first few lines:

I move quickly behind you ‘till I trip over garbage on the pavement,

you turn around and see nothing though I’m in the darkness.

I start to move more casually as I lovingly observe you,

you glance back nervously, unappreciatively.

The first time I read this it didn't quite capture me. Probably because you're trying to tell a story of a henious murder without a background story to build up tension or including many descriptions and adjectives - that is because of the format you've chosen to write in doesn't leave too much room for these things. You have to put a lot of weight in to that small space. The reader is thrown right into the center of events, the peak of the buildup.

The second time I started noticing some words were a lot more telling and moodsetting than I previously gave them credit for.
"unappreciatively", "lovingly", "disappointed", "apprehensiveness" (though I felt that this last word could've been replaced by something smoother.). It's within these words that the story of the murderer really gets told. You're telling us of his motives and his hopes.

The third time it became evident to me how some of your lines carry a lot more force than others.
"I feast my eyes on you; hungry with want, watching you slowly fail. " I love how it's not the killer that succeeds, but the victim that fails.
"I push you in, becoming an unwanted guest." A lot is being said in just a few words. This line sums up the situation perfectly.
"I laugh as I bring you to the ground to act upon my fantasies." That's what it's about, the culmination of fantasies.
"I smother my hands in the beautiful mess you’ve become." Gore, this is the picture that says more than a thousand words.


This inconsequence disturbs my reading.
"You try to dart inside, realizing my sick motives." Wouldn't she have realized those motives by the time she started screaming at him?

I also think the poem could be shorter and still convey the same meaning, which will add to the feel of it. Simply put, there's some filler text in here.
For example, there is little we learn from the first six lines that isn't already said in the first two. That space could be cut, or at least used better.

Same with this one "I pull out a butcher knife, my weapon of choice." We're already told of the knife and his passion for it in these two lines: "I decided to carve you..." and "You submit quickly..."


The Verdict
You show us the image of what I'd personally label the textbook example of the first-time killing psychopath. The killer feels no remorse or compassion with his/her victim. He/she gets off on the control and the ability to invoke fear in the prey. If there's a plan behind the deed we can't see it - the murderer does it simply out of curiosity or because it gives him/her a rush. This picture is painted well with decent subtlety. However I feel that segments of the poem could be cut to make it flow smoother and feel less clunky. Parts of it is very good, but I´m sorry to say that the majority needs improvement to work for me.

Chose your words with care. As a writer they are your greatest asset, but also your worst enemy. Every word carries meaning, especially in lyric, and none should be thrown in lightly.

/Kind regards, Kakburken.

holy crap... *quickly looks behind himself*
no jeezaloo that was creepy, I just hope your not as sinister as your work or else the worlds in for a shock.

Nothing to point out really, ill keep this brief by thanking you for rating this R, while kicking myself for ignoring it.

8/10 <--- a bit too Gorey for my liking but hey, life's tough
holy crap... *quickly looks behind himself*
no jeezaloo that was creepy, I just hope your not as sinister as your work or else the worlds in for a shock.

________________________________________________________
I stand here parylitic inside my own soul.

umm...gross...

no, this was really good...
i'd say i really enjoyed it, but that might come across as a little creepy...

i might just be a sick person, but i almost laughed at the end...
ha...i'm disappointed...that was really funny to me...
i almost laughed at how nervous the guy or whatever was...sorry...i'm just like that...and now i'm completely babbling on and by now you probably don't even care.

anyhow, great work!

-GC10

Well. It was certainly horrifying, which was obviously the goal here. So, success, I suppose! The only comments I can make are pointing out the lines I really like, which isn't exactly helpful.

Well, actually, maybe switch these two lines.

I rip out your heart, holding it tightly, wondering how fast it beat before.

You’re quiet; I can no longer feed off your fears.