Jayden and Talia spent all of their days together, from the day they met three years ago. He had went through several girls since then, none of them seemed right for him and Talia knew this. "You really need to spend more time with the people you date." she said staring at him. He looked away slightly. "I'd rather spend time with you." he said.
Talia smiled but looked at him with a little concern. "You will ruin all of your relationships if you are with just me. Can't you tell by now?" she asked a little saddened. He shrugged. "I do spend time with them, just with you a lot more." he said with his crooked little smile she oh so loved. "Stop! I'm trying to be upset with you!" she yells. He laughed and rolled his eyes.
One day they were sitting on a cement brick outside by a park, he looked at her and just felt a fuzzy feeling all through his body. They stared at each other a while and all of a sudden he let something slip, "I love you." he said with a smile. Talia just looked at him like she had seen a ghost. Her face began to blush. Then anger rushed over her. "How could you even say that?" she asked him. He looked down without a word. Finally having a response. "It's true, I have been thinking hard on this one and you... you just always make me smile even when I'm mad, you are always here for me when I need you and I just feel so complete with you." Talia had no words, her heart beating fast, she took off. "Please don't go!" he yelled. She didn't listen.
Time had passed and still no call or even a text from her, he was going crazy. Maybe he was wrong about what he had said but he had to say it.. before it was to late.
Talia thought and thought about what he said, love had never came up, not once until that day. How could he tell her he loved her? That wasn't right to play with peoples feelings like he did. Besides doesn't he realize he has a girlfriend? Her tears instantly stung her face. Wiping them away she sighed. "I just can't talk to him anymore. I do love him too, but it's not right." she said thinking out loud to herself.
(Please talk to me.) Jayden sent to Talia. After about an hour he finally got a reply. (No, I have nothing to say to you Jayden.) she replied. Seeing that broke his heart, but he couldn't give up. (Please! I need you in my life. I'm nothing without you.. can't you tell?) he sent to her. No reply. His eyes were full of tears. He didn't know what to do.
Talia's eyes watered as she sent him her final message. (Dear Jayden, You can't love me. You just aren't the guy who knows how too. I have seen how you treated all those girls, you think I never watched you? I love you. You mean the world to me and yet I am just now saying it. This is goodbye. Nothing left to say...) She threw her phone on her bed in fear he might call or text back. He was the only guy she ever loved but yet she never could get it wrapped across her mind that he ACTUALLY loved her. She kept on thinking about all those other girls he had said things he didn't mean too. She wasn't about to be one of his toys.
After seeing that message, he couldn't bear it anymore, he threw his phone against the wall. "I do love her!!!!" he screamed, yelling at the wall. He fell to the ground and slammed his fists into it, crying he decided he didn't want to live if he couldn't be with her. Taking his keys he went out for a long drive to clear his mind. Without looking he passed up a red light and ran into a tan van. They collided and his car flipped and instantly caught on fire.
Later that night Talia was watching the news. She was curled up in a ball crying and thinking of Jayden, right then she heard his name on the news but couldn't hear what it said. "Darling, did you hear the news?" her mom ran in and asked. "All I heard was Jayden's name. What did it say?" she asked. "Oh baby, he is in a bad car wreck, his car is on fire, he died...." her mom said as tears ran down her face.
Talia didn't eat, move, sleep, or even talk for about 2 weeks. She didn't even go to Jayden's funeral/wake because she didn't have the heart too. "I can't be without my soul mate." she finally said. Looking into her cabinet she seen a few bottles of pills. All kinds of them. She put all sorts of them in her mouth and took them.
Two hours later, she was laying on the floor passed out. She took her last breath at 2:03 a.m.
No one could get a hold of her the next day, her mother drove over there to see if she was home. "Talia? You here?" she yelled as she walked in. No answer. She walked around and eventually walked into the bathroom.
"No not my baby!" she screamed and dropped on her knees next to her. Grabbing the phone she called 911 and not even 5 minutes later the ambulance was there.
Feeling her pulse, one of the doctors looked at Talia's mother. "I'm sorry, but I am afraid your daughter is gone." he says. Shock came onto her mother and she had no words. Nothing at all.
Talia was laid to rest right next to Jayden. Her mother knew that was what Talia would have wanted. Seeing her daughter's grave was so saddening but, for some reason she knew she was happy now.
R.I.P. TALIA & JAYDEN!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Okay, I love the story and I don't know why everyone is saying that your story didn't have enough details, when it did. Don't get me wrong, I fell like it needs a lot more details but there is enough here for me to follow and know what is going on in the story. From what I gather is your boy Jayden is like a player......he doesn't really have feelings for the girls he mess with and Talia, has got to be is home girl, or a girl who knows him really well. In either case this story has the same story for most players, they play every girl they get which makes it hard for them to get the one the really want. Which is crazy, because the one you want is afriad that you might hurt her so she like hell naw! Lol but I did like the story, and I see you said you plan on making this into a book and this was the end of it??? Well if so I would love to read the whole thing.
Haha aw thank you!
I have yet to make their story but hopefully I will.
I really liked your story. It's so touching.
Thank you!
Hi guys. I want yall to know, this isn't a story of its own. I am about to be making a real story about them. This is basically my ending scene.
Your story was really good, but I think that you should develop the characters some more. Every single thing that a character does is powered by specific motivation. And I think that in the story, suicide seems like a really far fetched thing to do. There isn't enough at stake. There isn't enough of a developed relationship between them for one of them to kill themselves over a squirmy fight.
Maybe you could include something in her past to set her over the edge. Because I feel like at the moment there isn't enough at stake for them to kill themselves.
But I do think that the story has great potential!
This story seems to me to be a classic love story that leads to tragedy. I've seem a lot of those, so I'd suggest trying to make it a little more original. Making the characters a little more unique is a good way to do that. Right now, we don't really know ANYTHING about Talia and Jayden. They have no background, no lifestyle, no quirks, no personality, no flaws. Try and mix up their characters a bit. It will really spice up your work. Plus, if you do the characters' actions will make a lot more sense. Right now, I'm still trying to understand why Talia reacted so badly when Jayden told her he loved her.
Second, this story has almost no details. This kind of goes along with the bland characters, but its more than that, too. For example, in the first scene when Talia and Jayden are talking, the reader knows absolutely nothing about anything. Where are the two of them? What time is it? Is the place crowded, or are they alone? What season is it? What are they wearing? How are they acting (with their bodies, not their voices)? And maybe even throw in a few sentences about what they look like. Every good story needs detail, and this just doesn't have any.
Well, good luck!!! Hope I could help!
Sorry about this, this was a mistake. Look above for my actual review!
So, I don't know if this is cheating or not, but since this is the revised version, here is a revised review.
First off, you've got some great improvements here. You've characterized Jayden and Talia a bit more, showed how they act around each other, and given us some insight into their pasts. That being said, I think you still could do a little more in making them unique and well-rounded, 3d characters. They need to be dynamic. Which means they act on their own. And they need to be like us. Which means the should act and talk like people do in real life. On the first point, you do great in this story. Talia and Jayden make there own choices. But they still seem a little stiff. Draw inspiration from life, look at the way people act around you. Take notes. (And I'm serious!) Good writing is about good observation.
While on that subject, here are a few more tips on character:
-give them a passion
-make them proactive
-give them likeable qualities
-have a character react in an unusual way to a situation... in a way that reveals more about their character
-give them flaws. Real, relatable flaws
-give them motivations unrelated to the story itself.
-"Don't write from the head, write from the body." (F. Steinmetz) Which means, they're actions should speak louder than their words.
-let them be vulnerable
Now, here are two small sections that I still think need some polishing:
Is there a way you could create more suspense here? Right now, everything happens on top of everything, so the reader never experiences that moment of "OMG! Did he just die!?"
Suspense is all about timing. Slow things down a bit. Give us more time to think that thing's are going to be okay. Internalize this. Maybe show what Jayden is thinking, why he's distraced when he misses that red light. Etc.
This still needs to be edited. It's distracting as-is.
Now, I only have two things left to say here. The first is that, while you've done a great job adding detail and description, be careful to add the right detail and description. Only put in what is important to the story, or what the reader needs to know.
For example, we don't really need to know that it was a "tan van" that Jayden crashed into. Maybe if it was a "hard sided van" or an "oncoming semi" or something instead. Make sure that what you're putting in is relevant to the immediate happenings in the story.
The second point is about the plot. You've got some great tension here, but is there any way you could make this more tense? More emotionally compelling? Brainstorm ideas for scenes that will allow for conflict, for slow revelation of details to=suspense, for a way to totally reverse the reader's expectations at the end. This is all just comes from handling things in a more structured manner.
So anyway, I hope this helps. Let me know if you still have questions/completely disagree with what I've had to say so far and want to tell me so.
ED here to review,
First of all, just let me say this beforehand: I don’t do romance. Romance and me have a rather… rocky relationship. So, you did a great job with keeping my attention!
That said, it’s nice that you’ve kept this so short, but don’t feel afraid to expand on this a little. Right now, the interactions seem stiff, and your characters lack something. Show, don’t tell. Make these characters come to life through how they act and what they say. Right now, what they’re doing and saying is a lot of cliché. Specify. Make this both relatable and unique. What stands out about them to you? What makes this couple, out of all other suicidal/heartbroken couples, different? Original? Try and get a different angle on this premise.
Now then:
I’m in disbelief too. Why would she say something like this to him? Especially to someone she’s supposed to love? It makes no sense. Give us a bit of context… show WHY she’s rejecting him. Otherwise, her actions will seem unbelievable and disconnected.
Also, this is your first sentence. Try to add a little more “kick” to the description of the characters and their actions. I don’t mean tell us what they look like. Rather, show us how they act. “She smiled and pushed him away to leave” has less of a visual impact than something like: “She smiled, choking back tears, and pushed him away. Please leave. she willed.”
Two grammar points: Allowed, not “aloud” and alleyway, not “alley way.” In fact, I would just say “alley.”
Now, I would like to see Jayden react more to what she has just said. I know that if I had just been told that I “couldn’t love,” I would feel pretty low. Like getting punched in the gut. Show us how he externalizes his actions, make this personal to his character.
You need to indicate more of a transition here. “---“ is rather ubiquitous and is mostly effective.
You can’t switch viewpoints like this. You need to stick with one view for the entire story (since it’s a short story, after all,) or at least to one viewpoint per paragraph. And by paragraph I mean something longer than two sentences. Otherwise, it’s too jarring and it distracts the reader.
… So… why does she still reject him? You need to make your characters realistic in their thoughts and actions. It needs to line up. You can’t have contradictions like this.
1. Their relationship, I’m assuming, progresses from “just talks” to a confession and rejection of love. This is much to sudden. Give them back-stories, a history. You don’t have to show us all of it, but provide them with some context
2. There has got to be more of a reason for Talia to reject him other than just her being unsure of her own feelings. And there has got to be more of a reason for Jayden to love her other than “she was the only girl who understood him.” I know this is supposed to be short… but in order to make his brokenness believable, there has to be more to their love. Make the hurt deeper.
You switched the spelling of his name. Stick to “Jayden.”
Refer to my earlier note on viewpoint. We shouldn’t be seeing Ember’s side of things. Just Talia’s. Also, don’t use all capitals in formal writing, even in fiction. Especially not in dialogue. The reader get’s she’s yelling just by: “What?” she screamed. Also, “Screamed and cried” is a bit to much going on all at once. There should be two sentences for each of those reactions.
EDITED:
“Talia did not (or didn’t) eat, move, sleep, or even talk for two weeks. She could not bring herself to attend Jayden’s funeral—she didn’t have the heart.”
This is simply TELLING us that Ember’s life was changed by her friend, but is there a way you could SHOW us this? Try to make the last line visualize, lasting to the reader.
Here’s an idea of what you could do to make things more memorable to the reader:
“Ember placed a dozen roses on the grave of her best friend. “RIP Talia and Jayden,” was inscribed into the headstone. Buried together. Wind blew through her hair, pushing her tears from the corners of her eyes. There was a pit in her heart, and she missed her best friend. Life was precious, love even more so.”
Now, that was just my interpretation, you’ll have to do this your way. But by just adding a few details, you can open a world of emotion and meaning. Show, don’t tell.
Anyway, I hoped all of that could help you in some way. This needs some revision, but it could turn out to be great. Keep writing!
~ED
Thanks for all the correctness but I actually have no clue how to edit this on here.
Go to your publishing center, click on the work you want to edit, and find the "edit" button.
Or rather, make the desired changes and hit the republish button.
Thanks!
You might want to re-read it now because I edited it a lot!
My five cents of advise on reviewing Eloquent?
You should seriously NOT concentrate so much on grammar and such -people can take care of that kind of thing themselves really easily.
Concentrate on plot/ theme/ character's more.
-_-
...What? That actually had very few points on grammar. And I often use a grammar mistake to make a comment about something else.
And anyway, the same grammar mistakes are often made even in revision if you don't explain why they're mistakes in the first place.
@Panda---I will look it over.