The Boiler Chapter 1
Geraldine Hancock ran hastily. Her bare feet slapped the wet pavement while her breathe ripped out ice cold froth from her mouth. The night was cold and the streets deserted. All that remained were the homeless lying under street lights, dangerous drug-dealers in the corners, and desperate prostitutes hanging in the dark alleys.
It was the perfect night in Jackson for the Boiler. He was feared all throughout the county. Kidnapping woman who were unfortunate enough to be out alone at midnight to early morning, he took his abducted victims under- ground. The Boiler then cooked them alive, rumours said, and if he was in the mood he would eat them with his retarded son who had been raised to be a cannibal. His mercy, if he had any, was to not boil them but simmer.
A chilling story, but not something Geraldine had ever come to believe in from the past two years the Boiler had appeared. Ever since 2008, several late night women had disappeared and not reported to be seen again. There were only allegations of a tall dark man in several alleys, with a two foot knife in his hand cutting something open, and then he would seem to disappear.
Yet tonight Geraldine more than believed it. As she was running she regretted going out that night with her friends. They had all gone to a popular club for Geraldine’s eighteenth birthday. Hanging around for a bit, Geraldine got bored and decided to go for a walk. A walk turned into a run, after she had seen a strange figure in an alley across the street from her. He started to run at her from the end of the alley with something glinting in his hand. Geraldine remembered all the stories and rumours. That’s when she ran.
Now, running down Chaldea Street, the most deserted of all, with her high heel boots clattering together in her hand Geraldine kept looking behind her wondering if he was coming. Finally an inter-section appeared and across the main road was the Mermaid Club. The lights were bright and moving rapidly and she could hear the low strong rhythm of the bass.
“At last,” she sighed.
Running across the street was fine considering there were no cars passing through; it was the noise she heard that wasn’t ‘fine’. The music and shouts of people in the club was loud, but of all the things she could hear, Geraldine heard a chilling sound the most. It was a man back in Chaldea Street laughing, hysterically. She couldn’t see him but she could outright hear him. He was somewhere in that dark street, and under that laugh she swore she could hear him saying “you’re next”.
Geraldine walked back into the club with chills down her spine.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite an intense and a very unique one at that too. This is certainly kicking off on a very powerful note here and I am loving it. There's no holding back at all with what is clearly a rather horrifying situation, and it really drives the point of what is going on here home...and does not leave anything out all. I think on the whole it manages to come together as a pretty neat opening paragraph here.
Ooooh I am loving the way that you're handling the exposition in this particular piece here. You've definitely managed to create quite a chilling effect with what we have here on the backstory and it is included in such a way that it does actually manage not to break the flow of the story, so it only serves to make the scene more terrifying, which is all looking quite good here for this opening.
Hmm, well that ended a lot better for the character than what I was expecting. Things really looked like they were about to get quite bad there for a second, but it seems our protagonist escapes for now. I do however think that the chilling sense that this is not over does make for a pretty good ending though. Its a nice sort of cliffhanger that makes you now want to read on and find out more on what happens. Overall, I'd say this is a pretty solid piece that you've got here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Sheesh, it's not often I'm so hooked by the idea of a story as this. I had a read of the synopsis of the novel, and I was thinking: wow. There's so much potential for this, so much action that you could cram in. I'd imagine it to be tight, fast-paced, tense, on the edge. And I think that's the vision for it you've got in your mind as well.
I'd say to listen to Evi - she nailed what I was thinking completely. The mystery of the Boiler is revealed too soon for it to be, well, a mystery any longer. I do not like the description of him as 'tall dark' either - too much of a cliche. (I guess I want something a little more gory, or even just astoundingly different). Do you want him to be a hideous character, preying on woman, alarmingly disgusting, or do you want him to not stand out like that at all, but instead seem almost charmingly cunning, sharp, evil, clean-cut, blending into the general population a lot more save for a distinctly eerie 'edge'?
One big detail that is still niggling at my mind is this: why would she go out alone in the first place? Did she leave the club where her own party was being held, or is she getting to it (and why on earth would she be late?)?
Anyway, you've got a riveting and grossly fascinating story here, and I'd be interested to see what you come up with. PM me if you make changes (and I'd certainly recommend lengthening out the first chapter- this is a bit short, no? Or if that's too daunting, you might consider keeping it a short story until you can write longer chapters!) or would like more help.
Hey Nicko. Evi here. Hope you're finding everything well around YWS!
1.) The phrase "ran hastily" is repetitive. If she's running, of course it's hastily! As a general rule, adverbs are superfluous and unnecessary. Cut this one out. Without it, the first sentence is more of a hook anyway-- sharp, short, and intriguing.
2.) As lilymoore correctly pointed out, 'breathe' is a verb. You want the noun 'breath'.
3.) I think you mean "frost", not froth. Frost is the cold, white cloud that people exhale in the winter; froth is the white foam that comes out of the mouths of those with rabies.
Run at her? Perhaps you mean run after her? Or run towards her? It's not dramatically important, but it made me pause, and you never want your readers to pause at word choice.
Not much to work with here, huh? I'm going to suggest that you tweak this chapter a bit. Right now, as Lily said, you give a lot of background information. The Boiler, this ominous, thrilling mystery figure, loses some of his intrigue when he's explained so frankly by the narrator. Instead of telling us about his past in those paragraphs of info, try filtering the explanation through Geraldine. While she's running, have her thinking, wondering, worrying, panting. A glint of metal to her left-- is that a knife? What did that man whisper? If you inform us about The Boiler through a character's perspective, it'll be easier to keep us intrigued.
On a related note, panic! Geraldine is running, and she gets chills at the end, but I don't feel like her panic is portrayed enough. She's heard stories-- dreadful stories about a murderer. Is she superstitious? Does the believe the stories? What is she feeling, with this strange figure following her and laughing at every turn? That's seriously creepy. Have her react more-- her heart races, thumping in her chest with every step she takes. You say she was headed to an 18th birthday party. Is she in a dress and heels? What's it like to try to run in that? Does she rip her heels off, throw them to the side in a panic?
This is written well.
Best of luck, good job, and PM me for anything!
~Evi
Hi there, Nicko. Welcome to YWS! I’m pleased to make your acquaintance. *hands out muffins*
Anyways, shall I review? I think I shall.
First off, ‘breathe’ is the verb which means ‘to inhale.’ I think you want ‘breath’ which is a noun.
However, all together, I’m not very fond of this sentence. I just don’t seem to understand why the cold would make your mouth froth.
I think the thing you really need to look out for were a lot of sentences that were worded oddly to a point that they seemed to not entirely make sense. Your best chance of clearing that up is to slow down and read what you’ve written out loud, slowly and exactly the way it’s written. This will help you spot the confusing spots. I have this same problem myself, and I have to read things about six times just to clean up any confusing spots.
Another thing to be careful about is what can be referred to as ‘info dumps.’ It’s giving a reader a massive amount of information at one time. In this case, it would be your description of the Boiler, his killing methods, and his cannibalistic son. You can slip this information into the story slowly and gradually. It’s a lot easier for readers to then remember these details.
But if you have any questions, YWS related or writing related, just PM me and let me know. I’d be happy to help.