Hello there! I'm Ben, Here are just some quick thoughts and suggestions for your work 
Nick101 wrote:Prologue-
Hades#8000BF ">' footsteps echoed in the hall. The artificial moon’s light cast down through the bay windows. #8000BF ">Very nice, descriptive and engaging start! Hades#8000BF ">' (double check and revise work to avoid these small grammar errors) pacing was the only thing keeping him from trembling nervously. He rang his sweaty hands together. Everything and everyone in his mansion was in full motion. #8000BF ">I like this, there's a good sense of character and atmosphere, well done.
A door separated him from his wife; her painful screeches stabbed his heart #8000BF ">Atmosphere is constant and there is clear plot development - very good. Hades could hear the nurses shuffling about, the mid-wife shouting for more warm water. Hades pulled at his hair when suddenly he heard the mid-wife yelling in triumph. #8000BF ">This is good, you've shown the reader and brought him with you, I like this - very well structured.
“The baby is here!” T#8000BF ">(lower case 't')he mid-wife yelled wearily, assuring Hades that he could come in.
Hades burst through the door nearly tripping on his holocaust cloak. He saw the baby girl in the mid-wife’s arms. A silence came over the room except for the breathes of Persephone, Hades wife. #8000BF ">Nice atmosphere and flawless grammar wise. The baby girl’s black eyes were open to the world. #8000BF ">Love this! She came into the world without a single cry. The girl blinked then settled her eyes on the mid-wife’s face. The gaze turned into a piercing stare, directly into the woman’s eyes. Never in her life had a baby's eyes seem so ancient. A power resorted in the child. The woman smiled nervously at the beautiful innocent girl. #8000BF ">Beautifully well written, there is strong character development and you haven't info-dumped us which is fantastic, you've shown us. The mid-wife’s throat tightened suffocating her, her skin drained to a deathly white. The woman gasped for breath, foam formed at the edges of her mouth. Her eyes forever locked with the girl’s eyes. #8000BF ">Woah! Now you've gripped the reader and there is tension and drama, this is a good bit of writing.
“Hades, what is going on?” Persephone’s tired voice trembled. #8000BF ">Try to make her seem more panicked, naturalise the situation a little more - act out the events in your head. She tried sitting up.
Hades scooped up the baby from the mid-wife. The mid-wife clawed at her throat unable to breathe. She could feel the last millimeter of her airway closing. Looking over her father's arm, the girl’s stare intensified. #8000BF ">This is so well written - you were being modest! The atmosphere is shown to us fabulously and the plot is strong! The woman fell to the floor dead, but her eyes still locked with the girl's. #8000BF ">This is very dramatic so you need to be careful not to jump the atmosphere to a change as this will lose the grip. The baby dropped her gaze and the woman's eyes rolled to the side and her eyelids closed. A few nurses gasped. Hades worriedly looked at his daughter then at the woman and smiled. #8000BF ">You've handled the plot well here.
“She has the power of death, my love!” Hades held up the baby and spun around, happily chuckling. #8000BF ">Now we feel the fantasy, this is an excellent way of showing genre to your reader. You've motored the plot with character development, a way of writing I really enjoy! He came next to Persephone - who laid on the dis-crumpled bedsheets- #8000BF ">change "-" to commas - grammar and placed the girl in her arms. Persephone wrapped the girl in a blanket and lovingly smiled at her child. Hades signaled the nurse to leave, they carried away the dead woman, already knowing that her soul was being judged. Hades sat next to Persephone, beaming with pride and admiration. #8000BF ">Lovely, the reader shares the emotions with your characters and they're pulled into the story. Be careful not to lose the grip though!
“What shall we name her?” He rested his chin on her shoulders. #8000BF ">Good, actions are key to scenes like this.
Persephone chuckled, “I thought you didn’t want a daughter?” She gently swept her fingers around the child’s face.
“I never said I didn’t want a girl, just that I preferred a boy. But this girl has the power of death! And remarkable beauty!”
Persephone waved away a strand of blonde hair and looked at Hades. “What if she didn’t have the power of death?”
“Well, then she would still have her mother’s beauty.” Hades kissed Persephone.
“Better,” Persephone grinned. #8000BF ">Persephone's my favourite character! Love the personality you've created for her through dialogue.
“So, what shall we call her?”
“Labitina.”
“A Roman name!” Hades boomed perturbed.
“The definition of Labitina : corpse, funerals, and death. Labitina, she shall be called,” Persephone stated firmly. #8000BF ">Woah! Interesting name choice with those definitions, but okay I see where you're going with it and the important thing is that it works!
Hades sighed. “Alright.” He looked back to his daughter, “Welcome to the Underworld, Labitina.”
Labitina sneezed. Her parents laughed. The two parents cooed at their daughter like a child with a puppy.
#8000BF ">Haha! What a great way to end - Overall: Fantastic - I want more!
This is something I dreamed of and I’m not sure if I should continue on this. Please critique, and be harsh! (I know my description wasn't on full here, I'm sorry.)
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Reviews: 411
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