Author's Note: I'm still working on the rhyming in a few places. I need to find a few words, so if you think of anything, please feel free to stick it in your review. Thanks and Happy Reviewing!
The flat and rolling landscape
Was broken by the sudden rise
Of a man-made masterpiece
It marked a martyr’s demise.
The shining sun slanted through its windows
Making patterns on the ground
It shone across the altar,
Marking the spot where he was found.
It wandered farther still
Shining light into its hallowed halls
Finding its oldest secrets,
Written on its ancient walls.
The sun read the secrets
Feeling detached and aloof
But what it read changed it
Making it retreat to the roof.
He had read of a life
So perfect, pure, and spotless
He wondered why he shone at all,
Now his life seemed pointless.
As he sat there in despair
He heard a sound from Heaven,
Drawing his gaze upwards.
There he saw the Angels seven.
He fell upon his face trembling
As the Angels comforted him saying
“Do not despair, Bright One.
We know of the price you must be paying.”
“We know you long to live
A life with purpose and joy.
Do not despair, Bright One.
We have found you that life of joy.”
“You already live that life in the sky
Bringing warmth and peace to the Earth.
Shine on, Bright One
Of joy, you will find no dearth.”
Full of joy, the Sun retreated back to the sky
There to continue his lonely life
Now longer afraid to shine on
No longer afraid to feel the knife,
Of loneliness.
He would shine for God’s people
He would watch them live
Hoping to somehow make them happy
Knowing that whatever he would give,
He would get in return.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello Victorianbeauty,
This is Magenta here to review you poem, The Sun, which you have submitted to the YWS website. I first have to agree with everyone else that this is a truly beautiful poem. The rhyming was very good. Many poets have difficulties when they are writing rhyming poems because it tends to be forced or very elementary like. However, you did this expertly. I would suggest adding some commas and and periods at the end of certain lines so that this is punctuated correctly. I think that you did a very great job writing this out.
"It wandered farther still
Shining light into its hallowed halls
Finding its oldest secrets,
Written on its ancient walls.
The sun read the secrets
Feeling detached and aloof
But what it read changed it
Making it retreat to the roof.
He had read of a life
So perfect, pure, and spotless
He wondered why he shone at all,"
This is my favorite part of the poem. The description and words flow nicely together. I hope to see some more of your writing throughout this website.
~ Magenta
Hello there! Cirute here to review your poem.
Let me start by saying that, even though, personally, I don't believe in god, I still found this poem quite nice. Your rhyming and flow was impeccable, which makes it an even better read. The poem was also written in a style that I found to be quite interesting and cool. I kinda like the message behind the poem, for I can see why people could use religion as a means to better deal with their problems. I didn't find any spelling/grammatical errors either.
Overall the poem is quite a good read.
~Cirute
Hey there Vic!
I found this to be a very powerful and amazing poem! I loved how it flowed and rhymed and told that their is always hope! I also liked how it told a story with it; usually this isn't attempted with poems as they are more for expressing feelings or inspiration, but you pulled this of well! Your grammar is very good although I would like to see punctuation at the end of every line (Weird poetry rule). I also found the second line of this:
A little bit off putting with the suddenness of the end of the line. Maybe expanding it a bit?
Besides that, beautiful poem, looking forward to seeing it on the spotlight!
-Sushi
thanx for the review @AlexSushiDog. yeah, i was kind of thinking that it was kind of sudden. I'm still working on fixing that line. Oh and I see that i've got a new name
Vic! i think i've never been called that before.
Never knew my sister was a poet. But great job!
Hello! Ongoeslife here to review!
I love how unique and intriguing this piece is. I'm a Christian, so I also appreciate the spiritual aspect of it.
Okay, so first stanza/sentence:
Well-written, but while I realize that poetry doesn't necessarily follow the rules of English grammar, I feel that either a semicolon after 'masterpiece' or changing 'It' to either 'Which' or 'That' would make it flow a tiny bit better.
Okay, you've left me wondering; where did the windows and altar come from? Unless (sudden revelation), the man-made masterpiece in the first stanza was a building (perhaps Babel)? Then this would make a bit more sense... Though, I really have no clue as to who 'he' is. Again, I think that a bit of punctuation would help, especially since you did throw in one comma.
I just want to say here that I love this part. =)
I don't think I have much else to say, except advise that you do check punctuation throughout. Sometimes you use it, sometimes not; the inconsistency can throw the poem off a bit.
Great job on this wonderful piece!!
~Ongoeslife.
Thanx for the review!