Published July 28, 2014
Matt sat in the office of his insane and possessed insurance agent. This was the fifth time that week he'd been called in over a claim he'd filed two years ago. You'd think the matter would've been closed. But no, where there was money involved, there was bound to be tight fingers, especially if the money didn't belong to the tight fingers.
So here he was, sitting in a decrepit old chair that was standing on a cracked concrete floor. He'd been here for the past two hours with no hope of getting back to his much beloved bottles at home. The smell of mold was unbearable. Matt sneezed. Then, he wiped his nose with a tattooed hand. He would have used the Polish Hankie but he was in civilized company and he didn't want to scandalize the hot-looking secretary across the room. Maybe, she wouldn't be that horrified or scandalized if he just had a smoke.
Matt reached into his pocket. His fingers found his half-smoked cigarette from the morning before. They also found a lighter. Then they brushed against something furry. Matt's brow furrowed in puzzlement. What in the world?
He pulled out the furry thing and stared at it. The secretary gasped. Matt ignored her and continued to study the strange thing. He turned in several different directions before realizing what it was. Then he smiled. This was the perfect way to get in good with that secretary. He stood up.
He approached the scratched-up and dented metal desk that served as the receptionist's station. He leaned over it and gave what he hoped was an attractive smile. In reality, all it did was show his tobacco-stained teeth.
"Hey, my name's Matt," he informed the stunned secretary.
"Nah, that's okey," Matt replied. "I just wanna give you this. It's good luck ya know and ya'll need it with me."
He pulled something out of his pocket.
"I beg your pardon-!" The secretary's voice cut off when she saw the furry, bloody, mangled foot of a deceased rabbit sitting on her already filthy desk.
She looked up in astonishment. Her face paled and she got up from her seat and almost ran from the room.
Matt frowned. Obviously, who'd ever come up with the story that rabbit's feet brought good luck, had come up with the biggest pile of bull shit ever thought of. Life just wasn't fair.
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139,093 Literary Works • 672,416 Reviews
Wow. This was hilarious. I can, like, totally imagine that in real life!
First of all, I laughed at the last paragraph which immediately ticks the 'purpose box'. Very clever and I could imagine what was going on but didn't know how you going to end it. Well done.
I like the line, 'where there was money involved, there was bound to be tight fingers, especially if the money didn't belong to the tight fingers' as the repetition of the premodifying adjective 'tight' and the common noun 'fingers' is very good as it reads well and is used to very good effect as the reader knows exactly what you are talking about and the phrase turns to possessive which I like.
The grammar is up to standard throughout and the use of paragraphs is very effective as nothing is too bunched up into one paragraph therefore I thought the organisation of this piece is very well done too.
The use of the taboo 'bullshit' works very well to coincide with how the piece ends as it shows the characters frustration as his plan to try and impress and seduce the secretary has failed and the information about a rabbit's foot being lucky has back-fired. Some people may find the use of this taboo unnecessary as, for the obvious reason that it's taboo, however I think you portray the character's annoyance and disappointment that his plan has failed excellently. This is important as it adds to the humor of the piece which of course is the purpose.
For the constructive side of this review try to use more of a range of language, for example, you use the common noun 'thing' various times to describe the rabbit's foot, at this point unknown to the reader. Instead other common nouns may have been used for example, 'object' or 'item', as this varies the language use and makes it more interesting to read which is what every writer strives for, an interesting writing style that people want to take the time out to read.
Best of luck.
Thanx for the review!
Hey there! It's me, here because you asked me to be here. The funny thing is though, that is going be quite a short review. Maybe because it's such a short piece, but also because there isn't really too much for me to pull out and comment on. You did a pretty brilliant job here.
What I liked was that although you gave a reason for Matt being here and making it seem like the story was going to go on about the case, you actually twisted that so it was actually about something else which was more humorous. Also, you did a great job of making a funny story, I loved it. As well as the deserved praise for having not a single nitpick in here for me to pull out (except for the one misspell of the word 'okay' where you used an 'e' instead of an 'a') everything was perfect. I liked how you built up Matt's character without saying much about him at all. You let us stereotype him to gleam what he was all about, with his tattoos, want of impressing women, cigarette and just wanting to get back to his bottles. Nice touch there.
I didn't get what you were trying to say about the secretary though. You made it sound like she was afraid of him and judging him in such a way that Matt noticed, but then when he approached her she was playing a video game (I am assuming on her phone? It might be a nice little thing to mention...) and ignored him completely, only sounding a bit tense. If she was ignoring him, how could she seem afraid? Perhaps mention that she was taking sneak peaks at him and staring and Matt could just see it out of the corner of his eyes. But whenever he turned to look, she glanced back down at her phone screen and resumed the game. That way it shows her being curious but at the same time pretending to ignore him, and we could even have Matt mistake it for interest (which is why he would go up to her and so on.)
Maybe change the second use of 'tight fingers' to 'the person who wanted it' because it would be nicer to avoid close repetition.
I wonder, did Matt think the gesture would be romantic or something, by trying to give her a did he think the gesture would be romantic or something? Maybe show more of his thoughts or something. Like as he is walking up there, have him imagining how grateful the woman is going to be and how he is going to hug him in thanks or something.
I wonder, why did Matt even have a rabbits foot in his pocket though? It did surprise him at first, but he smiles like he remembers. I like how you didn't reveal what it was until the very end (but I could guess for the title) but maybe try and give an explanation in his thoughts while still not giving too much clues away as to what it is? Now that is a challenge for you to try
That's all I have to say! Got to run now
Deanie x
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you!
Alright, let's start.
Well, the plot of this is nice, and the description is nice. For a short story, you really pulled this off well. I, myself, can't write short stories worth.... Well, anything.
Alright, Nitpicks.
Well, to be honest, you have a lot of short, choppy sentences you could easily mix with longer ones or elongate. That said, they didn't strike me as too out of place, maybe because of your MC's/narrator's personality, so you might want to consider keeping some of them.
Also, I was really confused when you said that he was still waiting for an appointment, midway through. Up until then, I was assuming that he was in the actual meeting, and then you completely threw me off with that.
That's all the Nitpicks I have for you, love.
Keep persisting,
Aurora.
Thanks for the review! I was trying to get across that he had been in the reception area for two hours. Guess I should probably clarify that lol
I was not expecting the ending at all! I honestly cracked up so bad that my mom got concerned! The narrator is so raunchy and concise that humour just leaked out without control. I was entertained with every word that was written. I absolutely love this story! It's short and funny and risqué all at once and it's something new and different. Thank you for sharing this story! I really don't have any nitpicks. This story was just about perfect. All of the abruptness was perfect for what this is. Thank you!
Thanks for the review!