The revision is now posted.
I appreciate so much you looking over this. It's always feels great to hear comments like yours. Prehaps I should post the revised version. Unfortunately, Gaire doesn't come along until much later in the revision. Thanks again, and thanks for finding those spelling errors.
Among the rats and the sickness, there was never a point in the exploit on that Coffin Ship when we stopped our lonley cries for home, and our wretches from sea-sickness to look through the leaking cracks of our lowest-class, bottom floored cell to admire the icy waves.
I gave him half my portions when they were given, hoping to break his silence, and maybe glimpse for myself his detatchment.
But as at home, througout his entire eight mysterious years, he still had never uttered a word. Never once.
"Do you have a way there?" he asked feverently.
I expected perhaphs a spark in Proinsias's eye, but there was nothing more than the usual glazed stare.
"S'cuse me sir," I interupted, curiosity getting the better of me, "but what is a tenement?"
"It seems so," I said replied, remembering the black potatoes at home. "We were sure it would pass this harvest season. Is there anything to eat here?"
When I returned that night, Gaire was not yet home, but I layed down on the cold ground of the heatless tenement and fell into fitful sleep, the day having been full of many emotions.
"I wan' you to remember this, Murchadh, anytime you get lonely. You e'er heard this saying? I'll tell you: There is hope in the ocean, not in the grave. I'm sending you across the ocean because somewhere there is hope, and Ireland right now, is like the grave."
I know, isn’t that a ridiculous mistake? Again, I started writing this version almost a year ago, before I had really researched anything about the famine or the America Diaspora. Ellis Island opened in 1892, after Castle Gardens closed, having been open since 1855, I believe. This is where I have struggled though, because I have found no written accounts of where they actually were let out during the famine. I know the first shiploads berthed in the St. Lawrence River, and later in other places along the east coast, but the actual station where they would get their records and stuff, I don’t know. Was Staten Island the place during the famine then? Thanks.
Hey, fellow potato lover! lol The story's great!
I just have one correction: I noticed you said "Ellis" Island. That wasn't around until the late 1800s or early 1900s. I believe it was called Staten Island. Hope that helps.
Thank you, I really appreciate such a flattering comment. This story is currently going through a major revision, so I hope the new version will be as good. Thanks for reading!
I think it's fantastic! As Skoink says, the words literally DANCE! You really make the charecters and the settings come to life for me. I never really liked historical fiction set much more recent than a couple hundred years ago, but your work is changing my mind. Everything is very vivid and real; I can almost smell that tenement (sp?). I almost wish I had something half-way critical to say, I feel like I'm rambling here.
Revision now posted.
Thanks for your comments! That's a good suggestion about adding an explanation of Irish history, but adding introductions usually gets me in trouble, lol, because I like to ramble on with details. Maybe I'll try to work something up. Thanks again!
Irish Gaelic looks so pretty! - I want to learn it!!
Can't find much that needs improvement. I'd agree with the others in that both dialogue and dialect are very good. The subject also seems very original. I'd really love to see how this carries on.
One typo/spelling error that I did find::
as if he were exhasperated with me
Thanks so much!
For the first chapter, (I think it's a chapter) the writing dances. Which, between you and me, is a very good thing because it makes it that much more interesting. No longer does it seem like boring words but a living thing. Always good.
Two years into the famine, my mam came to me with the tidings I had often feared:
Thank you all so much! I'm so excited to see nice comments! Yes, I am taking it further, just slowly, so expect more soon. I hoped that the dialect was good, because the accents play a role themselves in stories of Irish immigration. Thanks so much to all of you! This is very encouraging! Torpid--the names are Irish Gaelic, but Proinsias (I just loved the name) is actually the Gaelic translation of Francais. I'm going to change the name Odhran though. I've decided I don't like it.
Ooooh, more please! (trying not to sound like an annoying orphan named Oliver.)
All hail the king! I wonder if it was just coincidence that I was listening to Flogging Molly, when I was reading this.
I agree with Jack, your diction is perfect. Can't wait to see where you take this.
i agree with firestarter. i tihnk this was very good and would like to see more. the theme/idea of irish immigrants going to america during the famine is original, well original enough and u wrote this very well. The only thing i wonder bout is the names because ive never heard Irish names like those.
I thought for a short beginning, this was brilliant. All your sentences were lovely: "Snow seldom kisses the hills of Ireland." Your lexis choice was delicate and it all just worked. The dialect representation was great, too.
Got any more?
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