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Where Lies the Ocean

by Niamh


The revision is now posted.


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Fri Sep 15, 2006 1:07 pm
Niamh says...



I appreciate so much you looking over this. It's always feels great to hear comments like yours. Prehaps I should post the revised version. Unfortunately, Gaire doesn't come along until much later in the revision. Thanks again, and thanks for finding those spelling errors. :)




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Fri Sep 15, 2006 8:54 am
Myth says...



Among the rats and the sickness, there was never a point in the exploit on that Coffin Ship when we stopped our lonley cries for home, and our wretches from sea-sickness to look through the leaking cracks of our lowest-class, bottom floored cell to admire the icy waves.


... our lonely cries ...

I gave him half my portions when they were given, hoping to break his silence, and maybe glimpse for myself his detatchment.


... his detachment ...

But as at home, througout his entire eight mysterious years, he still had never uttered a word. Never once.


... throughout ...

"Do you have a way there?" he asked feverently.


'reverently' or 'fervently'?

I expected perhaphs a spark in Proinsias's eye, but there was nothing more than the usual glazed stare.


... perhaps ...

"S'cuse me sir," I interupted, curiosity getting the better of me, "but what is a tenement?"


... interrupted ...

"It seems so," I said replied, remembering the black potatoes at home. "We were sure it would pass this harvest season. Is there anything to eat here?"


Take out ‘said’ as you already have ‘replied’.

When I returned that night, Gaire was not yet home, but I layed down on the cold ground of the heatless tenement and fell into fitful sleep, the day having been full of many emotions.


... I lay down ...

Really moving. Just a few spelling mistakes you overlooked. I’m beginning to like Gaire and hope he sticks around for a while and Mr Platt is cruel to the heart, deceiving Murchadh by appearing friendly.

I like his constant recollection of Ireland and what is was like.




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Thu Sep 14, 2006 12:01 pm
Myth wrote a review...



"I wan' you to remember this, Murchadh, anytime you get lonely. You e'er heard this saying? I'll tell you: There is hope in the ocean, not in the grave. I'm sending you across the ocean because somewhere there is hope, and Ireland right now, is like the grave."


[color=green]I love this part. It




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Fri Sep 08, 2006 1:10 pm
Niamh says...



I know, isn’t that a ridiculous mistake? Again, I started writing this version almost a year ago, before I had really researched anything about the famine or the America Diaspora. Ellis Island opened in 1892, after Castle Gardens closed, having been open since 1855, I believe. This is where I have struggled though, because I have found no written accounts of where they actually were let out during the famine. I know the first shiploads berthed in the St. Lawrence River, and later in other places along the east coast, but the actual station where they would get their records and stuff, I don’t know. Was Staten Island the place during the famine then? Thanks.




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Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:45 pm
Wiggy wrote a review...



Hey, fellow potato lover! lol :D The story's great!

I just have one correction: I noticed you said "Ellis" Island. That wasn't around until the late 1800s or early 1900s. I believe it was called Staten Island. Hope that helps. :D




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Thu Sep 07, 2006 5:13 pm
Niamh says...



Thank you, I really appreciate such a flattering comment. This story is currently going through a major revision, so I hope the new version will be as good. Thanks for reading!




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Wed Sep 06, 2006 5:47 pm
gyrfalcon wrote a review...



I think it's fantastic! As Skoink says, the words literally DANCE! You really make the charecters and the settings come to life for me. I never really liked historical fiction set much more recent than a couple hundred years ago, but your work is changing my mind. Everything is very vivid and real; I can almost smell that tenement (sp?). I almost wish I had something half-way critical to say, I feel like I'm rambling here.




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Thu Apr 13, 2006 8:27 am
Niamh says...



Revision now posted.




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Thu Apr 13, 2006 4:45 am
Niamh says...



Revision now posted.




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Mon Apr 10, 2006 1:05 pm
Niamh says...



Thanks for your comments! That's a good suggestion about adding an explanation of Irish history, but adding introductions usually gets me in trouble, lol, because I like to ramble on with details. Maybe I'll try to work something up. Thanks again!




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Sun Apr 09, 2006 9:33 pm
-KayJuran- wrote a review...



Irish Gaelic looks so pretty! - I want to learn it!! :P

Can't find much that needs improvement. I'd agree with the others in that both dialogue and dialect are very good. The subject also seems very original. I'd really love to see how this carries on.

One typo/spelling error that I did find::

as if he were exhasperated with me


Should be 'exasperated'.

Something you might like to consider would be an introduction, explaining history of Ireland, and why the Irish were having to emigrate etc. This could also contain name pronounciations, and anything else that might not be very well-known.

Hope I helped!

~KayJuran~




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Sun Apr 09, 2006 8:57 pm
Niamh says...



The revision is now posted.




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Sun Apr 09, 2006 7:35 pm
Niamh says...



Thanks so much!




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Sun Apr 09, 2006 2:41 am
Snoink wrote a review...



For the first chapter, (I think it's a chapter) the writing dances. Which, between you and me, is a very good thing because it makes it that much more interesting. No longer does it seem like boring words but a living thing. Always good.

Two years into the famine, my mam came to me with the tidings I had often feared:


I wish you would set it up a little more. Why does she fear it? What's going on? What difficulties is she facing? All these questions and more just pop into my head, and I want a little bit more background information before I get to the meat of the plot. This is, again, good, because this is an indication that this story interests me. Always a good thing.

Good luck. :D




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Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:45 am
Niamh says...



The revision is now posted.




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Mon Apr 03, 2006 1:14 pm
Niamh says...



Thank you all so much! I'm so excited to see nice comments! Yes, I am taking it further, just slowly, so expect more soon. I hoped that the dialect was good, because the accents play a role themselves in stories of Irish immigration. Thanks so much to all of you! This is very encouraging! Torpid--the names are Irish Gaelic, but Proinsias (I just loved the name) is actually the Gaelic translation of Francais. I'm going to change the name Odhran though. I've decided I don't like it.

Slainte!




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Sun Apr 02, 2006 11:28 pm
Caligula's Launderette wrote a review...



Ooooh, more please! (trying not to sound like an annoying orphan named Oliver.)

All hail the king! I wonder if it was just coincidence that I was listening to Flogging Molly, when I was reading this.

I agree with Jack, your diction is perfect. Can't wait to see where you take this.

CL




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Sun Apr 02, 2006 10:34 pm
Torpid wrote a review...



i agree with firestarter. i tihnk this was very good and would like to see more. the theme/idea of irish immigrants going to america during the famine is original, well original enough and u wrote this very well. The only thing i wonder bout is the names because ive never heard Irish names like those.




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Sun Apr 02, 2006 10:07 pm
Firestarter says...



I thought for a short beginning, this was brilliant. All your sentences were lovely: "Snow seldom kisses the hills of Ireland." Your lexis choice was delicate and it all just worked. The dialect representation was great, too.

Got any more?





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