This poem is actually a part of my story about a Roman Catholic/Protestant couple during the Troubles in Northern Ireland (1969-1998). The Troubles were times of turmoil mainly between Roman Catholic paramilitaries and Protestant paramilitaries, like the Irish Republican Army and the Ulster Freedom Fighters.
Too wide have I opened the door
Just to see what you held in store
I should have run against the sun
And then returned there never more
Our fate was written in the past
But in the trees a spell was cast
Our love was bound deeply and sound
But never secrecy does last
For bigotry wins all the ends
From my sewn heart it takes the mends
But with you tread needle and thread
Though never can your hand you lend
For in this land where I was born
Shankill and Falls* are still war torn
A bomb explodes in the crossroads
And leaves us nothing but forlorn
But if a day of peace can be
Solace will not return to me
Till you are near and safe, my dear
To love me for eternity
And if that day is just in lore
And never at our effort's core
I'll still be glad for what we've had
And still will love you evermore
*Shankill Road was a predominantly Protestant area, whereas Falls Road was mainly Roman Catholic. The crossroads between these two areas was often times a violent place to cross.
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even though the rhyme scheme causes you to add things just to keep it going this is really good. I understood the meaning just fine. Nice work!
~~Judi
This poem was good, sad, but good. It's a little cliche, but then again, most poetry is. I understood the meaning fine, I know some people above didn't. I do however agree that you can step outside of your rhyme scheme...
I love your wording, and I understood all of it just fine. it all depends on the reader, really. Whether or not they connect. Good work, keep it up.
This poem is really too general. It could be about any love story, except for the Shankill and Falls references; if you're going to write about religious problems in Ireland, put it in the poem, not in an introduction!
A focus within the piece will interest the reader, draw him/her in on a more personal level, inspiring feeling and connection, as well as set your piece apart from other love poetry. Show the clash of religions here, and the pain it causes the couple.
I commend you for keeping a consistent rhyme scheme, stanza length and whatnot. It would be nice to see some punctuation in here!
I disagree with Phorcys; you can keep the rhyme if you want to, it just means more work. Rhyming poetry does not have to sound silly or childish; it just happens that way because a writer forces the rhymes. I don't think you've forced them, really. This piece rhymes and sounds serious, and that's difficult to pull off, so kudos for that.
Love Ireland! (I'm not actually Irish, but everyone thinks so because of my name, skin, and hair, so I might as well pretend.)
Colleen
I think you have sacrificed all meaning and notion of the poem for the rhyme meter.
It just doesnt make sense because you have forced the poem to rhyme.
I mean - what on earth was this supposed to mean?
Abandon the rhyme scheme and rewrite.